Vanilla is Delicious
posted in Word of Reason |
Why are people always hating on vanilla? What gives? The general consensus is that vanilla is plain and boring. On my last date, I opted to treat this seemingly rational young lady to some Haagen-Dazs ice cream at our local heladeria. By the by, this is one of my many flawless go-to’s when it comes to courting a member of the soft-skinned gender. Anyway, getting back to scoops: she ordered a sugar cone with one scoop of dulce de leche flavored hard-serve. “Brava, my sweetness,” I said. Yet it was when I commenced to order a waffle cone with two scoops of vanilla bean flavored ice cream that our formerly pleasant and inevitably amorous evening took a sour turn. “Vanilla?” this dumb bitch said, “isn’t that a bit plain?” “Fuck you, bitch!”, I shouted, “Vanilla is delicious! And you’re fat!”
Obviously, I could have handled the situation a little better, but I’ve grown weary of this unfair attitude towards the world’s greatest flavor. Look, I’m not trying to get into one of those vanilla is better than chocolate or dogs are better than cats type of arguments. That’s just silly. Different strokes for different…needs. Plus, dogs are better than cats anyway, but that’s beside the point I’m trying to make here. It is my belief that this prejudice against my magic bean begins at a young age.
Every child, except for the brave ones, like I was as a youngling, gives into the hateful propaganda disseminated by their imbecilic elders. Come on Mrs. Gelding, let little Imagen or young Theseus decide for themselves whether they prefer vanilla over any other far inferior flavor. This incendiary ideology is hammered into our little ones’ malleable brains in the same manner a corrupt Imam lectures his misguided flock of “martyrs”. “Those who choose vanilla over mint-chocolate chip or rocky road are infidels and should be made to feel inferior.” This hate-mongering must stop. We wouldn’t stand by and let someone say to their child, “Look at that Nigger over there. He’s less than you and you are only allowed to associate with your own kind or else I’ll hit you,” now would we? While we’re on the topic of race, I think the main reason vanilla is discriminated against is because of the very fact that it is white.
Let’s be honest here. Whiteness is associated with all that is plain or unhip. Ergo, vanilla is thought to be boring or tasteless. Aha, but here is where most people are total fucking morons. Much like myself, just because something is white that does not necessarily mean that that thing is boring. In fact, the vanilla bean is an exotic spice that, if I’m not mistaken, over millennia nations have fought wars as to who controlled the flow of this delectable flavor.
In closing, this goes out to all you vanilla lovers out there who have had to endure the scorn and humiliation that unfairly accompanies an order of vanilla ice cream. The next time someone says to you, “Vanilla? That’s so dull. Why don’t you try a Blue Raspberry Splish Splash?” I urge you to say, “Fuck You! Vanilla is delicious!”
