Things I Learned While Eavesdropping on First Dates
posted in Word of Reason |
I live in NYC and because of that, or because of my parenting, I eat out a lot. I can’t afford to but I do all the same. Hey, it’s cool, my credit card company understands. Anyway, when you eat in restaurants a lot, you end up hearing a lot of other people’s conversations. Sure it’s immoral to listen, but whatever, if they really wanted privacy they could have stayed home or gone to the lousy Indian place near my apartment that is never crowded.
For some reason, I often get seated next to people on dates, usually early on in their courtship. And this was the case last Saturday night when my girlfriend and I were seated next to a couple clearly on their first date. I like to think that I’m a student of life, and this moment turned out to be a seminar in what not to do. Chances are, however, I won’t ever be on a first date again and won’t really be able to use this stuff. So, in the words of a train wreck of a movie, I’ll pay it forward. Here are six things I learned while eavesdropping. It might be immoral, but ill-gotten gains are gains nonetheless. Right?
1) Never talk about your ex
I’m not entirely sure why guys and gals alike feel like they need to go over their sexual histories during the dinner phase. It’s too early for that. I understand that there might be a need to cover this material eventually, but a first date really is not the time or place. I guess it makes stupid people feel like they seem more desirable when they broadcast the fact they used to be in a relationship. As far as I can see, it really makes your character circumspect. I mean, are you really bragging about dumping someone, hurting someone who could in the future be the person you’re talking to now? That’s awful. Are you talking about the guy or gal who broke your heart because they’re still on your mind? That’s even worse. Specifically, if I were sitting across from that girl from Saturday night and she told me about her psycho ex-boyfriend who was borderline stalking her, I think I might just leave. I don’t need to take a bullet from some jilted jerk because I happened to be the next guy to hit what he thought was his. No thanks, girly, death is not for me.
2) Never, ever talk about one night stands
This is far worse than talking about your ex. Ok, we’re all adults here and we all know what adults get up to sometimes. You’ve done it, I’ve done it, we’ve all done it. But, really sweetheart, he doesn’t want to hear about it. Is it supposed to be promising, like ‘I gave it up to some guy who bought me a couple of Long Island Iced Teas, so just imagine what a whole sushi dinner will get me to do’? That’s just a terrible thought. I know it seems like one night stands are liberating and empowering, thanks a lot Sex and the City, but I think it’s a little off-putting. Double standard be damned, is it too much to ask that you keep your sordid sexual past to yourself?
3) Don’t talk about misadventures with the dating service you met through
Alright, so you met through an online dating service; the stigma on that is totally gone by now, it’s cool. However, that doesn’t mean you should expound upon all the bad dates and weird emails that you’ve been subjected to. Even though the attempt to make yourself look really desirable is clear, it only makes you seem more desperate. What it says is, “I needed a date so badly, I took a chance on an obvious loser.” Look, I’m not gonna begrudge you for taking a chance on someone, sometimes it’s the only way. But to go over all the errors in judgment? Why don’t you just run down a list of your drug benders while you’re at it. Or was that covered during the one night stand portion of the conversation?
4) Going dutch can get awkward
I actually witnessed this happen once and it was the most awkward thing I’ve ever lived though. An older couple was on a first date and had spent their dinner swapping stories about their grandkids on their way to having incredibly disgusting wrinkly sex when the lady tried to float the idea of splitting the bill. The gentleman tried to resist, but he was overpowered, which was pretty awkward in its own right, but the whole ordeal was taken to another level when she produced her checkbook from out of her purse.
5) Never order rice-less sushi because you used to be fat
You’ve been hitting the gym, cutting out the carbs and now you look great. I am so super happy for you, really I am. You know who should be telling you how amazing you are for dropping all the extra weight? Your friends, that’s who. Your date should never even know that you used to go out in long flowing attire designed to hide your girth. Dates shouldn’t be adversarial, but you need to take that kind of attitude with some things every now and again, most specifically, never let ‘em see your weaknesses. Don’t let a guy know that you used to be fat and probably will be again. The worst way to start off a relationship surely is by having him worry about your waistline.
6) Stop talking about advertising
There was time when it was a big cliché that the biggest a-hole at any party was the guy talking about the ad biz and that time needs to come back. As someone who makes his living by being peripherally connected to this world, I know first hand just how bad it is and just how schmucky these people can be. So you can understand what went through my mind when the guy at the table next to me started trying to impress his date with details from the latest pitch his agency made for Mastercard. It was basically something along the lines of “I can’t believe I’m gonna have to listen to him detail the genius of Billy Crudup for the next twenty minutes,” and what actually happened really was that bad.
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So take heed of these rules and don’t be afraid to take the plunge. With a little extra knowledge in your pocket, I’m sure you’ll wow your date and be getting nice in no time. Just remember to make sure you’ve got enough credit to cover the meal and don’t forget to keep your voice down.
