Stock Music, Let’s Do This
posted in Word of Reason |
I’ve been working in post-production for nearly two years now and a few days ago I had an epiphany. It happened while I was doing a music search for a thirty second Playtex Easyglide commercial when it finally dawned on me: Stock Music is, if not better, just as good as any “real” music that’s out there. Therefore, there’s no reason to buy or steal so-called “authentic” music.
From that fortuitous moment on I have taken a solemn oath to only listen to Stock Music. I say, “Phooey” to anything that’s copyrighted. At first it took me a while to settle on a brand that suited my generic needs. I mean, there are so many studios out there satisfying the commercial world’s thirst and necessity for cheap un-licensed music. How do you choose? After some extensive research, about ten minutes on-line, I whittled it down to a few worthy contenders, but in the end it was Extreme Music that took my Stock Music flower. To be truthful, I basically chose them because they promised to send me some cool stickers with my first installment for getting the Premium Package. Note: those stickers have not arrived as of yet.
Getting new music these days via Stock Music is as easy as putting my socks on. Except when I’m standing up. Sometimes I trip. All I had to do was make one phone call, pay a lump sum of $5,000, and now the music just rolls in like a TimeLife series of books about the Civil War. The best part is I have no idea what’s going to be next, but I’m never disappointed. It’s such an adventure! Whether it’s Atomic Hits, Cock Rock, Asian Beats 7, Sax Trax, Acid Jazz 3, or Drones, I rip that shit straight to my hard drive and let the unlicensed genius take me away to a place of musical bliss. They even have 30 second versions of every song, so I can get through an entire album in five minutes! Does Dylan’s “Blonde on Blonde” have 30 second versions? I think not.
To all you Stock Music haters out there, go suck on an egg you doodyheads. You’re just jealous. It’s the only way to listen to music affordably these days. Everybody knows buying a CD at the store is expensive and simply a pain in the tush. The last time I went into the Virgin Megastore I had a 37-year-old, balding hipster wearing an ironic t-shirt nearly strangle me to death with his lanyard because I said Wolf Parade wasn’t really my cup of tea. Legally, I’m not supposed to talk about it though. Oh boy, and you can forget trying to buy music on iTunes. That’s just confusing. Plus, there’s no way I’m going to steal tunes off of Limewire or some other shareware. How did everybody so quickly forget about that threatening music-pirating commercial that ran during the Super Bowl two years ago? Oh, that’s right. Janet’s titty.
Moreover, there’s no artists’ personalities to clutter the purity of the music. I used to listen to all sorts of licensed or copyrighted music (what I now call Copycrapped Music. Hee hee), but it was impossible for me to fully enjoy the music without having some hang-ups about the artists themselves. For example, I used to listen to The Counting Crows’ “August and Everything After” on repeat for weeks when it came out, but then I heard that Adam Duritz went out with Jennifer Aniston and I just couldn’t fucking believe that that whiney bastard with his caucasian dreadlocks got to lay pipe in America’s sweetheart. That album went straight on top of a pile jizz-dried Kleenexes in my trash can.
Hark, from now on when people come over to my apartment or ride in my car or want to take a listen to some slammin’ jams I got on my discman, the only sound waves that will be hitting their ears will be those created by studio musicians commissioned by a stock music company for a nominal day-rate playing their hearts out.
