Editor’s Note: Welcome to Steve’s Word newest weekly series “Tips for the (Fellow) Unemployed”. Please embrace our newbie contributor Paul Elicker to the site. He has his own site with hilarious writings and even funnier drawings. We asked him if we could rip off some of his material and he graciously accepted our overture. You can find this piece and much more on Paul Elicker’s blog Thrillerverse.com.

You wake up screaming, then sigh, “Phew, it was only a dream!” NO! These are my tips for wading through the unemployment that is definitely real!

So say you get that call for that holy interview and even after your best efforts to dress nice you still look like a fat owl when you walk in the door, the interviewer won’t even want to look you in your big fat eyes. Thanks to our last tip you’ve hopefully stopped eating toxic amounts of Tostitos by now, but that’s only half way there.

Tip #5: Exercise!

- What were you most looking forward to this weekend?

I really wanted to rent a Zipcar and haul some bullshit to the Goodwill, but unfortunately for me I was too broke to afford it so my stuff will occupy the couch for another week (or two).

- Any updates to your Netflix queue?

I still have Tron from a few months ago.  What can I say?  The Netflix online has totally taken over the disc list.  Instant Wall-E and Persepolis overrides the Dennis Hopper "classic" Flashback on DVD time after time.

- How's that major life decision going?

None of your goddamn business!  Just kidding.  I've got approximately five and a half months to complete a certain film.  Still not sure if that's gonna happen, but I'm not gonna give up with out a fight.

“Extreme Peeing in Public,” posted earlier this summer, was well received by the Steve’s Word audience and is a great guideline for those with penises and peeing problems.  I agree that one’s dire need to drain the snake is a topic that cannot be ignored, but what about the people who have no problem going #1 and can typically find their way to a toilet but do however live their lives in fear of the other bodily function that is much more difficult to clean up? Those of you who travel to exotic locations, know the aftermath of Jamaican jerk pork chops, or must take a pill before enjoying an Oreo Blizzard, know exactly what I’m talking about.  This is your guide. Your guide to pooping in peace. How to keep your sounds and smells to a minimum.  You can now get a handle on all the crap in your life. At least the portion that comes out your ass.

1. The Courtesy Flush

This is the most widely used and time tested method for those #2 situations.  It is the easiest technique, as it can be done anywhere a flushable crapper is found.  The procedure is simple. Any patient person knows that defecation comes in stages.  When the first segment is complete and you release the initial burst that sent you running for the loo in the first place, you then have to sit and wait.  You are at the mercy of the excrement.  It commands you.  While you are sitting there, do you really want the first round to sit in the toilet, stinking up the place?  I don’t think so.  This is when you flush.  Not only does it take away the first load, helping to eliminate the lingering smell, but it provides background noise for round two.  It’s the perfect way to hide the two most unpleasant parts of pooping. Sometimes the double flush is a tell to the on-listeners but it’s better than having them hear or smell the actual act.  And when there is a sensor activated flusher, you can say it went off by itself, allowing you a clean break from your feces.

The other day Command+D was perusing the vastness of his internet world when he found a whole host of sites that hate

I've been reading Salon's Glenn Greenwald about as long as I've been intently following news and politics commentary on the web, and over the last three plus years, I've become quite a fan of his writing.  While not always entirely agreeing with his stance on certain issues, it's tough to argue against his credibility and journalistic ethics, a couple of traits sometimes in short supply these days.  However, all of that changed yesterday afternoon when Greenwald posted his third piece on the squashed feud between Keith Olbermann and Bill O'Reilly that had been orchestrated by higher-ups from the parent company of each's network, GE and NewsCorp, respectively.  (I guess this is also where I mention that, while I find his shtick to be sometimes tiresome, I watch Olbermann's show a lot.)

Because of the Olbermann-O'Reilly feud-getting-squashed story, I've lost all my respect for Glenn Greenwald.  Instead of being a man of ethics and truth, he has shown himself to be a truly petty person, interested only in his own standing and his own stake.  Whereas he was once someone I truly respected, especially in disagreement, some of his actions and responses over the last three days have made me question his journalistic integrity and his moral make up.  Instead of sticking to the truth of the story, and the pursuit of that truth, Greenwald has chosen to put his personal interests at the forefront and make his reputation the most important thing, to the detriment of not just his integrity, but the truth as well.

Editor’s Note: Welcome to Steve’s Word newest weekly series “Tips for the (Fellow) Unemployed”. Please embrace our newbie contributor Paul Elicker to the site. He has his own site with hilarious writings and even funnier drawings. We asked him if we could rip off some of his material and he graciously accepted our overture. You can find this piece and much more on Paul Elicker’s blog Thrillerverse.com.

LET ME OFF LET ME OFF LET ME OFF!! These are my tips for getting through the faulty roller coaster ride of unemployment!

So you were all set in mind and body – positive, attractive – and then you got shot down because you couldn’t find any jobs to apply to. And maybe you got a rejection email without even getting an interview. And also maybe you’re broke. But that’s OK – you’ve only wasted two-thirds of a day you’ll never get back, no big deal.