Keeping My Life Simple
posted in Doin' Our Thang |
I like to keep my life simple. Speaking in idioms and colloquialisms is but one of the disciplines I practice to preserve a straightforward approach to life and its complexities. It’s kind of like your friend who has a three to four day buffer in between bowel movements, for the sake of time conservation. I too recognize time to be the main constituent of opportunity and have streamlined my dialogue to preserve life’s precious moments. Sure, when I volunteer my take on race relations, “Its all pink on the inside,” I might furrow a few brows, but this colorful expression has played an epic role in fostering interracial relationships worldwide: Succinct and to the point. Holla if ya’ mulatta, my peoples. Saving time and positively impacting lives in the process is nothing short of remarkable.
In an attempt to pay homage to the great minds of our time, the expressionists, I have assumed the responsibility of fathering a new generation of short phrases. This reservoir of wisdom I aim to produce will be available to all, in a multi-language format. I ask you, my reader to share with me your current struggles, joys, career experiences, passions, and good fortunes. Subsequently, I will paraphrase your life’s happenings in a short phrase, idiom, or colloquialism of my choosing.
Dear Dave,
My wife and I have been happily married for 11 years now. However, the thrill is gone, We’ve tried everything from sex swings to hot wax to role-playing various rape scenarios, but nothing seems to get me going. My wife has suggested we put an ad in our local classifieds for a young woman to join us in our expression of love. Is this normal? Is it cheating if my wife is in the room cheering me on with another woman?
Ménage a Timid,
Sheboygan, WI
Dear Ménage,
It seems you are seeking love advice. Unfortunately, the only type of relationship advice I am permitted and furthermore qualified to provide is internet-dating advice. I can however summarize your current state of affairs with an expression. Your love life is what we at the expression institute call “a ham sandwich short of a picnic.” Of course an ideal picnic is enjoyable for both parties. The basket’s packed. The utensils are there. You’re at the park. The treats are unveiled but unfortunately your wife packed only one hammy. Sadly, it was the one with cheddar and you’re lactose intolerant.
Dear Dave,
I really want a dog, but my parents say I’m not old enough to have one. I need to make them understand that I’m responsible enough to care for a young pup.
Puppy Love,
Greensboro, NC
Puppy Love,
Your parents are more worried about the pup than you. They are busy people and won’t have time to relieve your lackluster outing as the dog’s master. As history has revealed, children tend to neglect the basic needs of their pets. Until you prove to your folks you can “make scrambled eggs out of a broken omelet,” a puppy in your life will be as non-existent as my bathing habits.
Dear Dave,
My roommate seems to think it’s ok to leave her menstrual fluid on the toilet seat. I’m quite upset and I must get it across to her that this is unsanitary. Trouble is, I don’t want to offend her.
Bloody Confused,
Syracuse, NY
Bloody Confused,
“Everybody loves a sloppy Joe, but not everyone loves a Joe that’s sloppy.” I bet it feels glorious to unload that expired egg, but when it comes time to clean up the runny remains, a weak stomach might get the best of your roommate. Good luck with that.
Dear Dave,
I’m trying to install the latest version of Adobe Acrobat, but my computer says that I need to upgrade my operating system in order to obtain this new version. To say I’m frustrated is an understatement.
Adobe Flo-B,
San Antonio, TX
Dear Adobe Flo-B,
You have proven the age-old adage to be a sham. There are infact stupid questions. “You can’t make guacamole without an avocado.” I can’t put it any simpler than that.
Dear Dave,
My husband has been in the slammer for seven years and I’m beginning to fall in love with another man. I know my husband’s a good man; he just made one bad mistake of
robbing cars for 10 years and killing an off-duty police officer in a high-speed chase and taking a few innocent bystanders hostage in a fatal standoff. I still love my husband, but he can’t offer me the support, sexually and monetarily, that I need to have a full life.
Big House Blues,
Reno, NV
Dear Big House Blues,
Your situation has taken me back to my days of yonder when I played stickball with the neighborhood children in the streets of south central Chicago. “The game’s good and over when the ball’s eaten by rover.” Fortunately for you rubber balls are easily replaceable.
Dear Dave,
Why does God make retarded people?
Little Johnny,
Tucson, AZ
Little Johnny,
Your words have touched my heart. These days, human beings are popping up faster than hairs on my back. We people, are merely, triscuits on a Nabisco factory conveyor belt and God is the quality control manager. “9 out of 10 triscuits are square, the other one’s a trapezoid.”
That’s all for today.
