How to Blow a Done Deal
posted in Doin' Our Thang |
The other day I got a surprising letter from one of our faithful readers. Allow me to paraphrase, if I may:
Dear Tim @ Steve’s Word,
Love the site. You’re my favorite writer. Keep up the good work. Anyway, I’ve got a little problem, a big problem actually, that I think you are probably most apt to offering some sort of helpful advice. Here’s my issue: I’m up to my eyebrows in pussy and I can’t seem to get anything else done in my life. I’m losing sleep, I’m ineffectual at work, and my family and friends think I’m ignoring them. You seem like the kind of guy that has no problem deflecting all kinds of women. I don’t mind engaging beautiful women in conversation, but sometimes I just want to hang with my boys and then get a good night’s rest. How do I get these women to stop wanting my Johnson?
Sincerely,
Eyebrows Deep
After my initial gut reacting of wanting to punch this guy square in the testicles, I figured why the heck not let him into my world of pain and rejection. So listen up Eyebrows Deep, you’re about to get some knowledge dropped on you like a grand piano. I’m going to let you in on all the tricks of the trade of how to not end up in some hottie’s bed with her begging you to pull her hair harder and harder.
Method #1: Deconstruct, Decontextualize, Disappoint
You’re out hanging with a large group of friends and there’s a new girl who is a part of your group tonight. Maybe she’s a friend of a friend’s from work, maybe she’s visiting from out of town, or maybe she’s somebody’s impressionable little sister. Regardless, it’s nearing last call and it’s just the two of you sipping mojitos. You’ve done nothing but charm the soiled panties off of her the whole night and then it hits you: you’ve got this lass in the bag.
The first thing you do to blow this opportunity is deconstruct the situation. Attempt to remove yourself from the action and begin to view the whole courtship process from a critical distance, as if it’s happening to someone else. Start to think to yourself how ridiculous and obvious the whole thing is. Of course she realizes that you want to, at some point in the evening make a map of Hawaii on her stomach and/or face. Begin to obsess, in your mind, on the observation that all of this has happened before and that you’re both just following pre-scripted actions that have been done a million times over throughout history. Realize clearly that there is nothing unique about your current situation.
Accurately recognize every signal. When she gently touches your arm after you tell a stupid joke, know full well that she’s into you. When she tells you that she wants to show you her pictures from her trip to Cancun, have no mistakes that this is an invite to some finger play. When she sympathizes with you by being the youngest of her siblings as well, translate this as her wanting to gargle your nuts. All of this deconstructing and decontextualizing will retard your ability to proceed. Once you begin to view the whole thing like a Latin American Lit grad student analyzing Don Quixote you’ll no longer want to go along with it. In just a short time, she’ll instinctually sense your academic coldness towards the scenario and before she’s finished her mojito she’s gone for the rest of the night. Success.
Method #2: Try Too Hard
Once you’ve realized that she’s into you, a sure fire way to end up abusing yourself at the end of the night is to try too hard. Desperation makes you look like a nincompoop. She will quickly flee the scene.
Here’s a few ways to achieve this. Laugh really loud at your own jokes and at her jokes too. Start putting your hands all over her awkwardly, ie: giving her a neck message in front of everybody else. Get right up in her face when you’re talking to her. Make her smell the rum on your breath.
A good thing to keep in mind is that when you’re trying too hard, you tend to even forget pertinent facts about your own life. One time I was talking to a girl who was all up in my business and I told her that my birthday was July 30th when it is in fact July 18th. I then realized my mistake and quickly corrected myself. There was no reason for me to correct myself, because there was no way she could have known that I fucked up. I looked like a bona-fide idiot. She hooked up with one of my buddies and I ended up slamming my head against a brick wall for the next few days.
Method #3: Get Emotional
Closely related to Method #2 yet important enough to be its own method is getting emotional. Bear your heart, your soul, and if need be, some tears. Contrary to what women’s interest magazines tell us, girls hate it when you show that you actually care. Tell her that even though you only just met, you feel like you can tell her anything and then do it. Tell her how you’re still a bed wetter, but a girl like her could get past that. Feel free to mention your life long battle with psoriasis and that even though it looks nasty, especially on your penis, that it is an autoimmune deficiency and is not contagious.
The best way to try too hard is to be honest. Let her know repeatedly that she’s out of your league and in due time she will begin to think this herself and move on. An even better method, however, is to tell her that you haven’t been with a girl since your last girlfriend, who you went out with for six years and is the only girl you’ve ever had sex with. If she is somehow immune to this pathetic revelation, talk openly about your ex-girlfriend and that before tonight you never thought that you could find love again. I guarantee you that this will break any horny slut’s will.
Method #4: Vulgarity (Physically and Verbally)
Most of the time, if you can be as crude as your imagination will let you be you can be damn sure that no self-respecting girl, and even most skanks, will not want your love rocket near them.
A detailed litany of the many ways that you crave pussy will most likely send them running. For the courageous, mentioning that sometimes the urge to bust a nut is similar to the urge of taking a huge shit is a certain deal-breaker.
If you’re more a man of action than words, here’s something that I’ve seen work firsthand. Somehow you’re making-out either at the bar our outside of the bar. She whispers in your ear that she wants you take her back to your place yet all you want to do is go back inside and play some beer pong or maybe pick a fight. Here’s what you do: go straight for the vagina. Not only have you skipped the groping of the breasts entirely, but now you’re trying to manually pleasure her in a public place. This course of action will surely get her off your back, most likely a slap in the face, and undoubtedly some high-fives from your buddies.
Method #5: Be Yourself
The best way to make sure that you’ll never get any girl to allow you to touch her or get her to touch you is to be yourself.
