Dating Dealbreakers
posted in Word of Reason |
It’s tough trying to navigate the harsh winter that is the dating scene in whatever city you live in. And since we here at Steve’s Word are nothing if not helpful, we’ve put together a little list of some dating dealbreakers. These are some habits, attributes, or actions that should let you know that maybe it’s not such a good idea to approach that hot stranger on the subway or that the guy or gal you’ve been casually seeing isn’t worth your time. Because we all know how busy and important you are.
This isn’t a list of my personal hang-ups. Quite the contrary actually. This is a list of more general issues that should let you know it’s time to move on. This is a list that applies to both men and women and should be considered carefully whenever first making overtures to a prospective partner or when out on a date. I repeat, these are not my personal issues; these are rules to live by.
• Smoking
Not an obvious one considering how many youngsters smoke, but let me plead my case a little. First, it’s rude; walking behind someone smoking a cigarette on the sidewalk is like getting garbage thrown in your face every step. Second, consider the fact that there is virtually no way this will end well. If your prospective catch is a smoker it means that they don’t care enough about their life or their parents to not do this awful thing, so how much are they gonna care about you? They don’t care enough to stop killing themself one puff at a time but you really think that when you come home from a hard day’s work they’re gonna give a crap about all the little trials of your day? Jeez, a little naiveté never hurt anyone, but now you’re bordering on straight ludicrous.
Then there’s the whole hypocrisy aspect. Every liberal person who smokes is a gigantic hypocrit because it is the epitome of everything that they normally rail against. I’m talking about people who are green and care deeply about the environment but can’t bother to keep their own lungs unpolluted. I’m talking about people who (rightly) rail against the government, yet keep their biggest supporters in business. Really, there’s no point in marching against the war, starting a radical liberal blog, and voting Democrat this fall if you walk out of the voting booth and light up. Smoking cigarettes is no
longer just a stupid, unhealthy, smelly thing to do. It’s blatantly immoral, and anyone who smokes isn’t gonna cut it as a suitable match for you.
Ok, I know, I know, cigarettes are somewhat appealing and I get it, I smoked in college too. You know what else I did in college? Whippids. So there.
• US Weekly
Let me tell you a little bit about my day, every day. I wake up, shower, and leave for work. I take the local to the express and on the platform waiting for the express every morning I stand next to the same smokin’ hottie. Let me tell you, she is delish, and we’ve been on the same schedule for about two months now, ending up on that platform together nearly every day. I’m sure she has a man, but that of course doesn’t stop the daydreaming about what she’s like and how firm her butt is. Usually she just listens to her iPod, but this morning she pulled an Us Weekly out of her bag and with that the love affair was over.
It’s not that I mean to be too judgmental; everyone needs a little divertissement in their life and I would never suggest otherwise. But things devolve very quickly from a passing glance at a checkout to reading every word every week. Maybe I shouldn’t be so hard on my subway hottie (hi-oh!) but the habitual reading of this dreck can only mean one thing.
She hates her life and is too unintelligent to even know it. She’s so worn down by life that she would rather spend her morning commute trying to figure out “who wore it best” and understanding the ways in which she’s “just like” some celebrity or another rather than doing something constructive like reading a novel or realizing how witty and insightful I am. Not that I care anymore.
It means nothing how good looking the hottie you just rolled off of is, if you find yourself face to face with a stack of these magazines on her night stand, there’s no way you can get out of there fast enough.
• Shoes
If you can see more than ten pairs of shoes in her closet it means two things. First, there’s another ten stashed away in boxes under the bed. Second, you’re gonna spend the rest of your life with items from Nine West and Steve Madden showing up on your credit card statement. Isn’t life hard enough without having to pay off knee-length leather boots for the rest of your life? I’m now at the point where the sight of tissue paper in my living room sends me into the shakes. Don’t let yourself fall into the trap just because your lady happens to look great in tall leather boots and a long sleek skirt. It’s just not worth it.
This goes for the reverse as well. Ladies, is the stud you just bedded a sneaker whore? It’s a special breed of man who goes hunting for the latest and rarest retro Nike high tops so he can look cool as he struts around his office on casual Friday, or out on a Saturday night. And, you know what, maybe that type is right for you. But let me posit this, if you knew that already, why bother reading this? I didn’t mean that, please don’t go.
• Procrastination
Is it too clichéd if I skip this now and come back later on? Nah. Seems perfectly fitting to me.
• Dogs
I don’t hate dogs and stop comparing me to Michael Vick. Here’s the thing, it’s inevitable that you will either have to walk it late at night or early in the morning. It’s not even yours and you will have to pick up its poop in your hand. In your hand! The same hand that you use to rub your eyes and pick your nose. Seriously, if I wanted to root around in shit all day I would just give in and have a baby. Wait, I take that back.
But I can see that you don’t care about all that. I guess it’s just me. If only the problems with dogs stopped there. The truth is you will always play second fiddle to the mutt. Fido is the first thing they think about in the morning, the last at night. And don’t get me started on how many times “I’ve got to walk him” has ruined my plans for the night. That mangy beast is truly the love of your partner’s life no matter what he or she might tell you. In fact, I have a gigantic poster-sized photo of my lady’s dead dog hanging over my bed. That’s not a joke. Seriously.
• Previous Marriages
This is an interesting one because it is very age-specific and, once again, I’m not one to stand on a soapbox and preach about never having made a mistake. Or never having gotten married. But that weekend in Vegas is immaterial right now. Starla and I haven’t seen each other in years.
If you’re looking for someone in his or her mid-thirties or higher, obviously this isn’t such a big deal. By thirty-five, people can be forgiven for a failed marriage, or at least it shouldn’t be held against them five minutes after meeting them. As well, some ladies out there might even think it to be a positive attribute in a guy, no matter what the age. It means that he’s serious, that he’s grounded, less likely to disappear. It also assures that when you two are at dinner he will not only answer his cell phone when his ex-wife calls, he will get up from the table and stand outside the restaurant to talk to her, even if it is bitter cold. That’s how strong her hold on him will be, forever.
The worst possible situation to ever find yourself in as a young man is sitting across from a really cute twenty-something and hearing her say, “people always get so freaked out when I tell them I was married.” Yeah, and for good reason. It means you are crazy. It means you are obsessive and clingy, co-dependent and severely screwed up in ways too deep and dark to get into here. It’s not the intimate connection that is the problem, every girl you’re gonna meet has been deeply in love at some point before you. It’s the assurance that there were fights with screaming and crying, bowls broken over people’s heads, and a litany of character assassination. Fights so bad, lawyers and a judge settle them while your parents wait for you like it’s the principal’s office.
• Parental Closeness
This is a tough one and an important one. Obviously, if you’re at the point where you are meeting his or her parents then things have passed the point of casual dating. Hey, we’re all happy for you; I always knew you would find the one. Now it’s time to get really serious.
Ladies, if you’re out with your man and his mom and feel like you’re the third wheel, you are. This doesn’t mean that he’s in love with his mother in some twisted Oedipal sense. He’s not a perv and he’s not gonna kill you in the shower dressed in his mom’s clothes. Nothing like that. It’s just you’ll never mean as much to him as she does. You’ll never understand him and relate to him the way that she does. Instead, for the rest of your life, you’ll only hear “she’s not that bad,” and “come on, give her a break” and “yeah I know it was rude that she told you your dress looked like something a hooker would wear and it was mean that she made you wear one of my sister’s dresses before we went to my grandfather’s party at that fancy Italian restaurant on Amsterdam Avenue and I’m sorry that happened but I can’t tell her to stop, she was right.” And I know you don’t want to hear that.
Guys, does her father still dote on her like she’s a little girl? Does he still buy her a little something every time he comes into the city for brunch on Sundays at her favorite place in Park Slope? If so, move along cowboy. She may not have showed you her unfathomably needy side yet, but now you know it’s there. It is surely there if he’s still acting that way. You’d think that he would have gotten over it by now, that he would have had enough of bending to her every whim and giving in to her every desire, that he would have tired of driving to our apartment to bring homemade chicken soup every time she has a cold. Apparently not. And guess who she’s pegged to keep up that lifelong tradition of getting everything she wants: you.
I know it’s tough to ascertain what separates a comfortable parental relationship from the sort of extreme closeness that is going to make Thanksgiving more like a level of hell than a holiday for you. Unfortunately, every family is different and it’s virtually impossible to just spout out some potential signposts. But, in my experience, if any playful teasing by you towards your partner causes your partner to laugh and her humorless stuffy parents and impossibly square brother to scowl, you might be in trouble.
• Smokin’ Hot Friends
But Matt, attractive women move in packs. Yes, I’m aware. Are you aware that you are going to be teased and tempted every waking moment of your life from now on? That you face a lifetime of “you like her better than me” accusations that always, always, end in hysterical crying, probably because you just said, “yeah, now I do.”
You think you can handle it don’t you? I did too. Then one day I came home after having a couple beers with my buddy to find my lady and two of her blazing hot friends sitting in the living room, a half empty bottle of white wine on the coffee table and an empty bottle in the garbage. I did some things that neither of us would be proud of, and now those girls wont set foot in my apartment again. But I’m sure you can handle it.
I don’t know how, but we’re gonna find you a nice young lass with nothing but plain friends who talk about interesting stuff, doesn’t smoke, was never married, and doesn’t need to call her dad every day. She’s out there, I’m telling you. Just believe. Come to think of it, if you see her, send her my way. I’ll be the one next to the hottie reading US Weekly waiting for the express train to arrive.
