Introduction to “Hott Lixx“, a blog by Marcus “Jojo” Timmins, lead guitarist of the Denver Metro Area metal band Hidden Valley Man Ranch.

Blasting out of the Denver metro area’s guts like vomit from a bum, Hidden Valley Man Ranch singlehandedly revolutionized the Colorado Sex-Rock landscape from 1982 to 1985. Releasing two, count ‘em two, self-produced, self-printed, and self-distributed LPs, “All Cumshot No Foreplay” in 1983 and 1985’s swan song “Early Bird Special,” the Man Ranch pierced every convention in the books, shattering Denver music sales records like an old lady’s hip after a hard night of bingo ‘n drugs. Touring every city in west-central Colorado, from Arvada all the way to Broomfield, playing every bar, from the Gapin’ Crevasse on E. Colfax to Tod’s Joint on Harvest Avenue West, Hidden Valley Man Ranch was a white-hot phenomenon of the highest regard. Memorable hits like “Stuck in the Middle (of a Broken Heart)”, “Extra Hott”, and “Early Bird Special” helped HVMR lovingly cling to the brains (and genitalia) of central Coloradoans like a facehugger from Aliens, propelling bandmembers to superstar status within Denver’s “Rock Triangle,” the hallowed land between Edgewater, Wheat Ridge, and sexy, sleazy Mountain View.

But these things never last.

I was innocently cruising our site the other night when I noticed that the same person, the aforementioned Ed Weems, had left several comments on the site. At first, like an a total naif, I was excited because a comment left means that someone actually read one of our columns. But, my excitement quickly dwindled when I got a look at his sarcastic remarks about the three columns that he had commented on [the tally is now up to seven]. Look, I wont sugarcoat things, clearly Ed isn’t a fan of The Word, and the truth is that’s OK. It’s just something I have to get used to.

It’s finally here. The Steve’s Word Store. Now all of your friends can ask you, “what the hell is Steve’s Word?” as you proudly display our logo on your t-shirts, grocery bags, hat, and coffee mug. We’ll also have special seasonal items, such as our Barrack and Michelle “Pounds for Peace” t-shirt which you’ll see below.

In order to help promote our little venture we headed to the beach and did a little fashion shoot. Check out all our hot, sexy & silly pix taken by photographer Jessica Sain.

http://www.cafepress.com/steveswordstore

(please excuse the bizarre formatting. we are limited by our intelligence.)

(Editor’s Note: This piece has been edited down from a longer version. The original piece was over twelve pages long. The following contains the most coherent excerpts.)

Well, here I am again. It’s three am on a weeknight and I am starring at my computer screen trying not to keep it together enough to type this piece. It’s pretty difficult because I’ve gotten astronomically high… off of MARIJUANA for those of you who need it spelled out for you. I went to a friend’s party and inhaled marijuana smoke from a water pipe until I couldn’t even finish a complete sentence. Now I’m trying desperately to reverse gears and get back to the land of the normal person. I think anyone who’s been too stoned to think can understand where I’m coming from.

Editor’s note: As a response to Tuesday’s column, we tapped Matt’s next door neighbor brilliant playwright Matthew Lopez to give you a different perspective. You see, every coin has two sides and while we were all struggling with the notion of getting nice with another dude, well, Matthew had quite a different struggle. As a proud gay man, he had to consider which ladies out there would turn him away from the world of toned biceps and broad shoulders and consider who he might go straight for…

Yes, it’s true. No one can be hetero all the time, not even the manly men of Steve’s Word. After Tim wandered in one day in such a daze he was walking into walls and talking about going down on someone, we knew something was up. It turned out that he had done a doubleheader of Lars and the Real Girl and Fracture and was never gonna be the same. That day we learned who Tim would go gay for, and everyone realized that we each had a lot of thinking to do. Who would we each go gay for, and why? Here’s what we came up with.

It’s Father’s Day, it’s Father’s Day, let’s all pretend we care!
We’ll buy a tie to celebrate that you were never there!
The absent one who paid the bills, today’s your day to shine.
In spite of all my shoulder chips, I seem to be just fine.

Hello everyone, I’m so glad to be here. Actually, I’ve been here for a while but not in the full capacity that I am now. You see, I used to be the intern over here at Steve’s Word but I was recently promoted. It was a tough road, but I made it through. Congrats to me.

As my mentors around here tell me constantly (when they reject my columns): “write what you know.” So, as my first official assignment as a full-fledged member of the staff (my Week in Review didn’t count since it prompted my promotion), I’m gonna do just that, and present to you the six very most important things I learned in my time as the Steve’s Word intern. Hopefully this will also serve as a classified for finding a new intern, ’cause I’m supposed to be doing that too.

Dear Mom,

I’m sorry, but this just isn’t going to work out. In order to make sure that there isn’t a big scene, by the time you read this, I’ll be gone.

Let’s be real with each other; this doesn’t feel right anymore. We each need more, or maybe it’s only me. Maybe it’s me who needs more and I accept that. I guess I just need to experience more things, get myself out there and explore. I know you’ll think that is a very immature attitude, but I can’t help it. The heart wants what it wants.

Even though Matt took some time in last Friday’s Week in Review to mention everything that happened with Math Bus last week, well, we still just couldn’t get enough of ourselves. Or rather, we couldn’t get enough of marveling at this totally unexpected turn of events. We can’t legitimately call it “success” per se, not one of us has seen a dime, but the idea that people have watched and enjoyed our work is very gratifying. Anyway, a night filled with Johnnie Walker Blacks, hipster cuties and Rihanna (don’t ask) had us reminiscing about the wild ride and we thought we might share some of those memories.