Baby Soft
posted in Word of Reason |
As you know, Steve’s Word is a website mainly run by straight suburban white dudes now living in large American cities, and as such, we’re constantly concerned about “the next big thing in fashion.” We need to know what to wear and what not to wear each season or else we feel like huge idiots. For instance, last weekend Tim foolishly went out to the bars wearing a turtlenecked tank top, ribbed for his pleasure, and some British Knights after thumbing through a copy of People Magazine from 1992 whilst taking a dump at his parent’s house. To avoid any further egregious fashion faux pas, we’ve enlisted the help of fashion pundit, Melissa Rivers. It’s amazing what a few sessions of cunnilingus can get you these days. Below is our interview with the “unpaid” fashionista, Melissa.
Steve’s Word: So, Melissa, we’re dying to know, what is the “next big thing” in fashion?
Melissa Rivers: Excuse me, but you still have some of my lady juices on the corner of your lip.
SW: Oops (interviewer wipes). Did I get it?
MR: Other side.
SW: How ‘bout now?
MR: Got it.
SW: Great. Thanks. So, c’mon Lis, what is it?
MR: You’re not going to believe it, but the next big thing in fashion is handbags made out of a new product line called Baby Soft.
SW: Wow. Baby Soft? Is that like some new kind of hyper-fine synthetic leather that DuPont invented or something?
MR: No. Let me start by asking you a question. What’s the softest material on earth? The softest, most pleasing thing you’ve ever touched.
SW: Why, I’d have to say, a newborn baby’s ass.
MR: Exactly.
SW: But Melissa, you’re not telling me…
MR: Yes, I am. I’m talking about leather made from the hides of newborn HUMAN babies. Can you believe it?
SW: No, I can’t. What the fuck? This is wrong. This is an outrage. You’re taking human life for fashion. My god, you’ve gone too far.
MR: And Louis Vuitton is the first to do it.
SW: What the fuck is wrong with you people?
MR: You’ll change your tune when you feel this bag. Take a look at this fabulous piece.
Melissa pulls out an elegant and stylish hand bag from behind her diamond-studded Herman Miller chair. The interviewer feels the bag and immediately vomits from the intensity of pleasure. Something he’s never felt before.
SW: Oh my god. I’ve never felt anything like that. But where do the babies come from? Who, necessarily, I must now say, has to die for these to be made?
MR: That’s the best part. They’re mostly made of female Chinese babies. Since they’re not wanted, rather than simply being aborted, the pregnancy is carried out to full-term, agents from Louis Vuitton take said child and snuff its life out. The parents are given a $500 gift card good for LVMH products, except on certain Black Out dates. Other nationalities and races can be found but are significantly harder to come across and are much, much more expensive. Seriously, I shouldn’t have to tell you how hot Cambodian toddlers are these days.
SW: Fascinating.
MR: Indeed. The fashion world has combined the two hottest trends going on right now: designer hand bags and human babies. Tell me what celebrity right now doesn’t have a gaudy, overpriced handbag and a new baby or two? Hmm? You can’t, mother fucker.
SW: You’re Right, Melissa. Celebrities do seem to be cranking out babies at prolific rates these days. What gives?
MR: Babies are the hottest thing in Hollywood. They’re sooo this season. Ten pound hairless dogs are out. Ten pound hairless people are in. Just look at it: everybody is getting knocked up these days and poppin’ them out. Two at a time sometimes. Why? I mean, what’s more valuable than a human being? Plus, they’re fun to dress up in expensive mini-clothes, give $700 mohawks and tote around town. Especially when you have a team of Guatemalans actually raising the child.
SW: Yeah. Babies are hot. And it’s so fun to imagine what they’ll look like when they get older like Brangelina’s kid, but should regular folks be conceiving children just because babies are so fucking in right now? Most people don’t have the funds that celebrities do to have babies. Why do they do it?
MR: Fashion is about more than clothes it’s about life too. Women have babies for all sorts of reasons. Whether it’s to fill some sort of void in their lives, or they’ve reached a point where they’ve realized they won’t achieve what they wanted in their lives so why not be a mom, or all their friends having babies, or maybe it’s a way to trap their boyfriends. I don’t know for sure, but I can tell you women are getting pregnant all over the place these days. You can’t swing an umbilical cord without hitting some self-entitled bitch in a sundress with a bun in the oven.
SW: You are wise, Melissa. You’re saying a baby or an expensive handbag made out of baby hide is about more than simply looking chic. It speaks about the emptiness and desperation that most women long to end and perhaps if looking good or finding worth in raising a little one can cease this suffering than so be it.
MR: Maybe. I’ll I know is that I look good with this Baby Soft Louis Vuitton. It lets people know I’m rich and it feels so damn good.
SW: Can we expect any other designers to start using soft, supple baby hides? Will we see Baby Soft jackets and ass-less chaps?
MR: Probably by next season you’ll be seeing it everywhere. Baby Soft is the new cotton.
SW: Wow, once again Melissa, you’ve enlightened us all. Anything else we need to know about in the fashion world?
MR: There is one more thing that I’m sure you’ll be interested in. What’s the next softest thing to a baby’s bottom?
SW: Well, my fingers are never happier than when they’re caressing a women’s vagina. That’s a no brainer.
MR: Exactly. This Fall, Banana Republic is releasing a line of belts and shoes made from the excess, let’s call it “material” from labiaplasty procedures. [Be sure to check the link, Ed.] Look out for them to do to men’s accessories what LV’s doing for handbags.
SW: Mmmm. I like that. So my schlong is always inches away from vagina or I’m ankles deep in snatch. I love it.
MR: I thought you would. And don’t forget the environmental angle. Each belt is made with 100% post-consumer recycled pussy.
SW: Amazing. I get to tightly wrap myself with bona fide box all day, and help save baby seals and shit. What more could the modern man want? Any chance I can use this stuff to reupholster the interior of my Prius?
MR: Let’s not be ridiculous.
SW: Well, that about covers it. You heard it hear first folks. Baby Soft handbags from Louis Vuitton are the must have accessory of the season. And for the fellas, yet another reason to pay for pussy. Thanks for your time, Melissa.
