WiR 05.18.08: Your Bias is Showing

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bill.pngOn Monday, a truly earthshaking thing happened. I am referring, of course, to the revelation that Bill O’Rielly is in fact an asshole. This is what I call news. It’s only so often that a 20-year-old video of a beloved and trusted newsman surfaces and forces us to reexamine all that we believe. When such a thing happens, it is our solemn duty to attend, reflect and release a collective sigh of judgment. It makes us feel morally superior. And shared moral outrage is the glue that binds us together as Americans. But we, the public, were robbed of this right by Mother Nature. Colluding with Big Media. What was the big news story on Monday? Some quake in China. Way to take the air out of Papa Bear’s sails, Mother Nature. I’m looking all over the cable news spectrum for developments in the O’Rielly re-branding and all I hear is “18,000 dead this,” and “entire city reduced to rubble that.” Why is the news always trying to get us to care about poor people in far away places whose lives don’t effect us? Liberal media elite, XYZ, your bias is showing.

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Did you guys hear about this? A girl in Dearborn, Michigan, sold 17,328 boxes of Girl Scout cookies. 17,328! People in Dearborn must be fucking fatties, that is a lot of goddamn cookies. And I wouldn’t have known about this were it not for the CaptiVision monitor in the elevator of the building I work in (which, incidentally, is slowly becoming the only news source I can trust). When ran I ran home after work to hear the full version, could I get any in-depth-coverage of this little lady magician who makes boxes of Thin Mints disappear? Noooooo. All that the news wanted to talk about was that election in West Virginia. Boring. No Democrat has ever won the nomination without wining West Virgina? Aren't we forgetting about a man named Abraham Lincoln? When he was elected, there WAS no West Virginia. Now maybe Lincoln was technically a Republican, but we all know if he were alive today, he WOULD be a Democrat. All I’m saying is that I know news and that aint it. I just want to see girl scout cookie girl get a fair shake is all.

suge2.jpgAnd on and on like this all week. Lot's of good stuff, but too many diversions. I couldn’t focus on Suge Knight getting knocked the fuck out because I was so distracted by some fluff piece about a cyclone in Myanmar (wherever that is). I wanted to learn more about this guy who poked a great white shark in the eye, but I was forced to watch “news” about Israel's 60th birthday. Remind me who controls the media? Obama wrapped up the nomination? Who cares? Give me some hard-hitting reports about the Los Angeles law banning bacon-wrapped hot dogs. Has the news media got it’s head in the sand? Why is it bothering me with The Farm Bill, the suspension of oil reserve shipments, California’s Supreme Court overturning the ban on gay marriage and John McCain’s vision for the future of Iraq? With all this going on, how am I supposed to keep up with who’s winning American Idol?

2 Comments

  • 1

    A home run on your first at bat. Nicely done, Mike.

  • 2

    Thank you, sir, for tackling the truly important stories of the week. I shan't be taking my travel dolars to Los Angeles, I can assure you of that! Keep writting...

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