Rio Takes Gold in Corruption

Article Tools
Rio Takes Gold in Corruption

Wow. Chicago didn’t get the Olympics. When that bitter pill fought its way down my throat Thursday morning, I had no choice but to take it. Now, I’m a die-hard Cubs fan*, so I’m used to swallowing that pill, but it still just bunched up my panties and made my asshole pucker up tighter than your dad after the 8th day of Hanukkah. I calmed myself using a familiar mantra: ‘don’t fret, little Michael. At least we’ll all be dead soon.’

Cold comfort but it’s true, of course. As any crackpot Doomsdayer knows, the world will end in December of 2012. Or, as the more upbeat (read, ‘naïve’) 2012ers believe, the world as we know it, ends in 2012, the present era giving way to a New Age in which all of our current negativity (war, famine, greed, despair) are left behind. So, even in that rosy (read, ‘unlikely’) scenario, we won’t need competition, so no more Olympics. Either way, while it stings to have the International Olympic Committee rebuke my city, my country and even my president, in the end it is purely academic. The final Olympics will be in London, rest assured, but there are principles at stake here.

First, the International Olympic Committee is SUPPOSED to be a democratic organization, right? So why did America—the country with the most bombs—not win? Did you guys forget what Democracy means? It’s that thing where corporations—supported by a government willing to fight illegal wars on their behalf under false pretense—are given carte blanche to screw over whomever they want. And that includes you, Copenhagen, so get with it. Get with the Big D.

Second, the speed with which the IOC eliminated Chicago’s bid definitely raised some eyebrows. In particular, the allegation that Rio secured European IOC votes by promising to buy a new fleet of EU manufactured airplanes, if true, is outrageous, shocking and deeply offensive. How on earth could the Brazilians possibly out-graft Chicago? Here in the City That Works, we pride ourselves on having the most corrupt political machine of any place you can’t see Russia from.

Mayor Daley and his predecessors (read, ‘father’) are notorious for opening up the Graceland Cemetery gates on Election Day; in Chicago, even the dead vote twice. The only reason Daley got so involved in the Chicago 2016 bid was to distract people from the Federal investigation of his administration and BOTH of Illinois’ previous two governors are in jail. So if anyone knows how to steal an election, it ought to be Chicago. I know South Americans are good at kidnapping and hiding Nazi war criminals, but if they can actually step up and out-vote-rig us, then it is a braver, newer world than any of us suspected. Shiiiiit.

And finally, can’t an empire in decline get a little help from time to time? I know the United States isn't quite the beacon of liberty and hope we once were. I can see how storming the beach at Normandy to Abu Ghraib is not unequivocally progress. I get that. But come on, world. Can’t you see we want to be friends again? Why do you think we elected a black president? What, did you think we just suddenly stopped being racist? We’re the same small-minded chauvinists we’ve always been; we just want you to like us anyhow. But you sure don’t make it easy. Obama was the first sitting president to ever grovel before the IOC on behalf of an American city and you played him like a punk. You know what, world? I think Bush and Cheney were right about you: you can eat a dick.

In any event, at least we’ll all be dead soon.

* This does not make me special among Cub fans. We’re all “die-hard.” After 100 years all the non-die-hards are already dead. As we all will be soon enough. Yay!

Web Design by okbreathe • © Copyright 2009 - Steves Word, All Rights Reserved