Blue Mountain Suck

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Blue Mountain Suck

Oh, Spike TV, supposedly the channel for men.  Why is it that Spike is so much more often just a channel for the lug-headed jackasses that give all of us gentlemen such a bad name?  I might suggest that these are the very same douchebags who watch television, but that wouldn't explain the prominence of basically every other male-centric piece of art out there, which is to say that it is possible to make television that dudes dig without creating something which causes this dude's eyeballs to bleed.

Last Tuesday, Spike unveiled their first attempt at scripted programming, a college football screwball-sex comedy called Blue Mountain State.  Interestingly, when ESPN attempted their lone scripted series back in 2003, it was also a show with a football back drop; that show was Playmakers and it (supposedly) addressed the dark side of professional football.  But, there's no dark side with Spike's show, unless you're talking about the dark side of quality.

Without a doubt, Blue Mountain State is the worst show I've watched this year.  It is utterly devoid of everything that makes a tv show worth watching; it's not funny, it's not fun, it doesn't have interesting characters, conflicts, or issues.  It is, in a word, terrible.  And boring.  And stale and cliched and revolting.  We've got all the standard BS here: the main characters are the white back up quarterback and the black star running back.  We've also the got the QB's best friend from home who is his roommate and also the team's mascot and the senior linebacker who is really, really gay, but in a like totally hilarious way because being a gay football player is super hilarious since it's so ridiculous!  Let me tell you what's not hilarious, the pilot's climax where our main characters race the length of a football field wearing nothing but jockstraps and with cookies shoved up their asses.  Guess what happens to the guys who don't win the race?  Give up?  That's right, they eat the cookies. 

I wonder if that's what they think we want.  (I include myself in the "we" of the supposed demographic since I'm a man who enjoys football and beautiful women and comedy, all of which this show aims to deliver.)  I find it really hard to believe that this is the case, but I'm sure that Spike thinks that they've not only given us everything we want, but that they've got a hit on their hands.  They've given us a show where the first scene of the pilot is a threesome and a large part of the second episode takes place in a strip club.  We've got pranks involving ass hair shaving and the aforementioned ass cookie eating.  There's two counts of masturbation, two poops taken on coffee tables and one incidence of secret lesbianism.  Our main characters do everything they can to screw each other over, including pissing in each other's beds, because that's also something that guys do: we hate our friends so much that all we want to do is fuck up their lives. 

I'm sure that it's the behavior of tens of thousands of dudes that has created this show, but I refuse to believe that anyone could enjoy watching it.  No matter what kind of frat asshole football playing and loving jerk-off they might be.



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