UPN Review

upn_leadNow that UPN and the WB are joining forces to take over the universe, I figured I better rush this article off the backburner and put it on your plate while it’s still hot.

If there is one solitary network that consistently poops out forgettable storylines and bush-league acting more than any other network it has got to be UPN.

Dumped via Email

e_dumped_doritoHave we finally reached the point in society where it is OK to break up with someone over email? I say, Hell Yes! If you knew me personally you’d say, “Hey Tim, my experiences with you lead me to believe you are a passive-aggressive coward, afraid of confrontation, and ultimately a fucking asshole.

McDonald’s Loves Black People

mcdonalds_leadMcDonald’s is cranking out some sweet beats these days. Do they have a CD out? If you’ve recently tuned into an NBA game or UPN you have, with 100% certainty, seen a McDonald’s commercial. Take your pick of the lot.

Peter Weller: Part Man, Part Machine, All Asexual Cyborg

weller_leadIf memory serves me right, RoboCop was released in 1987. I remember seeing it on cable television as a little kid and thinking how rad it would be to have an automatic handgun hidden in my thigh.

Stock Music, Let’s Do This

stock_music_leadI’ve been working in post-production for nearly two years now and a few days ago I had an epiphany. It happened while I was doing a music search for a thirty second Playtex Easyglide commercial when it finally dawned on me: Stock Music is, if not better, just as good as any “real” music that’s out there.

Moving In with Your Girlfriend

g-friend_move-in_leadSummer is right around the corner and lucky for me my girlfriend has decided to pork up. Her once snug, muscle constricting wardrobe has been replaced with a throng of shapeless free flowing outfits which quite frankly make me sick. Did I miss something? Is fat in fashion?

Vanilla is Delicious

vanilla_leadWhy are people always hating on vanilla? What gives? The general consensus is that vanilla is plain and boring. On my last date, I opted to treat this seemingly rational young lady to some Haagen-Dazs ice cream at our local heladeria. By the by, this is one of my many flawless go-to’s when it comes to courting a member of the soft-skinned gender.

I Mind, Body Spray

body_spray_leadDeodorant used to be enough. A splash of cologne used to lay the metaphorical steel tracks straight into Love Canal, USA. Today, we men are faced with yet another accouterment with which to mask our congenital stink. I am speaking of male body spray.
We've all seen the commercials by now.

Sexy Saddle Bags

The Black Eyed Peas inescapable hit single "My Humps" is perhaps the single most misguided, unappealing, and by extension, worst pop song of the last God knows how many years. Either that or it's a misunderstood and subversive feminist masterpiece challenging the way modern society views and objectifies women.

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