Dear Health Valley,

hv_leadEditors Note: This is a real and actual letter that Jeff wrote out of anger to the Health Valley corporation. We all found it so hilarious that we thought it would be a great way to begin "The Week of Jeff". Enjoy.


Dear Health Valley,

I have one question for you. Do you feel guilty when you label a box you've filled with mostly rice-crispies with a few measly bits of oats, "granola?" Well, I for one feel pretty damned duped by your marketing ploy.

Flabulous: Fan Girls Flock to Sex and the City

poster.jpgDon't ever say I don't go all out for you. Believe it or not, I gave up a large portion of my Saturday night so that I could see Sex and the City in a theater full of women. Usually, I hate seeing a movie in its opening weekend; actually I have a lot of problems just seeing a movie at all these days, but that's for another time. The truth is, Sex and the City had to be seen in a jam-packed theater, because the movie itself is only part of the fact that this is one of the most important events to ever happen to all of NYC's female population.

I wish that I had been able to get tickets to a sold out show in a gigantic theater, like at the AMC Theater in Times Square for example, but that didn't happen, by the time I got around to buying my tickets, every Friday night show in Manhattan was sold out. I really wanted to see the throngs myself, be able to bear witness to the masses that came out to see this. You see, I was much more interested in seeing how the women who love the show and can't wait to see the movie would react to it than to the film itself. In other words, I was hoping people would talk all the way through it because I just had to know what they thought. But instead, I ended up at an early Saturday night show at BAM in the Ft. Greene area of Brooklyn. I thought this would ruin my experience, since SATC is so inherently Manhattan-centric and one doesn't generally think of BK as the land of Manolos and Cosmos. And that's where I had a major realization.

RSVP To My Ass

Now that I’m in my mid-late to late twenties, it seems that everyone around me wants to be very adult. I’m not just talking about not drinking away a Sunday starting at noon and I’m not just talking about all my buddies being engaged and getting hitched before the calendar year is up, though both of those things are certainly true. Well, maybe I am talking about the whole wedding thing, but not in that way, and not because I’m going to three consecutive weddings next August and feel as though that month has been utterly stolen from me. Rather, now that people consider themselves adults and they are getting married, there have to be a lot of parties, extra to the wedding. Lots of engagement parties, announcements, showers, that sort of thing. These parties are very formal affairs and, in accordance with being adult, all those parties require invitations, which require RSVPs, those social prison sentences disguised as a guarantee of attendance.

A Life in Dulcet Tones

dulcet smallMy ten-year high school reunion is coming up and I can’t wrap my head around it. Maybe that’s because I don’t want to grow up and maybe that’s because I simply can’t grow up.

Dating Dealbreakers

dealbreakers_headerIt’s tough trying to navigate the harsh winter that is the dating scene in whatever city you live in. And since we here at Steve’s Word are nothing if not helpful, we’ve put together a little list of some dating dealbreakers.

Private Tattoos

tattoos_leadAre you familiar with those "my name" key-chains that you can purchase at your local tourist trap? Of course you are, silly. Well, my local coffee shop has taken this mindless novelty to a new extreme and is offering stamps that allow avid coffee drinkers to mark their own coffee bag with a personalized brew name. Is your name Biff?

Baby Soft

baby_soft_leadAs you know, Steve’s Word is a website mainly run by straight suburban white dudes now living in large American cities, and as such, we’re constantly concerned about “the next big thing in fashion.” We need to know what to wear and what not to wear each season or else we feel like huge idiots.

Talkin’ Spotes with Huck and Jim

spotes_leadAs America's undisputed leader in News, Entertainment, Relationship Advice, Art Criticism, Business, and Fashion, Steve's Word proudly adds Sports Commentary to this golden list. Read along as two icons of American Literature weigh in on the latest developments in the world of sports, and in doing so set the tone for water cooler conversations everywhere.

March of the Morons

march_leadThe 78th Academy Awards proved evermore predictable this year. Once again, Meryl Streep was nominated out of pure reflex. Once again, speeches were cut short by the band. Once again, it was an entire evening of self-congratulatory dick sucking by people a million times richer and more beautiful than you or I.

Faux Amateur Porn

faux_ameteur_leadI'm not alone just because I'm lonely. Or is it I'm not lonely just because I'm alone? Either way I beat-off a lot. And as Valentine's Day draws nigh, I'm once again reminded of my solitude. It's not that every single day I don't feel the crushing weight of my impending fate to die alone in a cold hospital bed without ever having truly loved another human being.

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