In Spite of Everything, I Still Want to Nail Bristol Palin

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bristol.jpgThe news was so shocking, so wonderfully amazing that it took me a week to get off the mat and write this piece.  For that, I apologize.  I'm deeply, deeply sorry that it took me so long because I know you were dying for us to address a story that was one of the best things I've ever heard.  Yes, I'm talking about Bristol Palin going back on the market.  I'm not quite sure I've ever been happier.  You see, ordinarily I wouldn't be so enthralled that the latest Republican jailbait is available, but I've always (since August) had a little thing for Bristol, and her appearance on Greta Van Susteren's show last month just confirmed what I already knew in my heart.  In spite of everything, I still want to nail Bristol Palin.

Now I know what you're thinking: why would I want to jump all up in that ruined-by-childbirth vijay?  Let me answer like this: number one, you are incredibly sexist and misogynistic.  I can't believe you would say something like that.  Number two, did Michael Cera still want to get it on with Juno after she shit out their bastard kid?  Hell yeah.  And if it's good enough for George Michael Bluth then it's good enough for me.  I'm sure that she's had plenty of time to heal by now anyway and the body is very resilient when one is so young.  Plus, blaming little Tripp for any potential issues in the bedroom works great for me.  (And if you got that joke then I thank you for being a loyal follower of my oeuvre.)

But enough now with the unpleasantries.  Let us not get bogged down in this muck.  Bristol is extremely desirable for many reasons that in no way have anything to do with using a baby as a scapegoat for one's own shortcomings.  First, she's beautiful.  I know it's difficult for you liberal media conspiracists to admit, but objectively Bristol has the face of an angel.  That long dark hair, those beautiful almond-shaped dark eyes, that skin like virgin snow - well, maybe not.  But really, as for looks, they are beyond reproach.  And, second, you know she's gonna age well.  She'll probably be better looking than her mother when she hits fifty because she won't have to sire four more kids, not if I have anything to say about it.  And when she does hit middle age, oh what wonders approach!  Imagine that day when you go together to the local Wasilla LensCrafters to pick out her brand new sexy librarian frames.  Oh shit.  Gonna get down something freaky that night.  And just imagine the day she trades in all her cutesy skirts for a nice sleek power suit.  Just as long as someone else is paying.

bristol2.jpgBut there's a lot more to my Brissy than just what I can splatter with my DNA.  You see, the experience of being an unwed teenage mother has changed the way she looks at everything.  She knows now about the tougher side of life, the side that requires you to be somewhat responsible and not a completely vapid floozy all the time.  That interview with Van Susteren showed that Bristol has learned, she has grown.  She knows now that there's more to life than Mommy's policies and that means she's totally ready to be in a real relationship with someone who isn't a "fuck'n redneck," i.e. me.  But, she's still totally rich, which is awesome.  And with her mom so wrapped up in positioning herself for national politics and with her dad so wrapped up in being a puppet master for a national politician, that'll leave plenty of alone time for us in some wonderful sprawling Alaskan estate.  And, she clearly doesn't want to try college, or knows that she can't hack it, which means she won't ever have to go through a Sylvia Plath phase, a pretend-lesbian phase, a falling in love with guys who play Jeff Buckley's version of "Hallelujah" every time they see a guitar lying around phase.  (Jeez, how did I ever get laid in college?  Oh wait, I didn't.  Forget I brought this up.)

Of course, the most obvious thing that proves just how wonderful Bristol is is the way in which she has separated herself from her mother's policies by mumbling the truth at Van Susteren.  When Bristol stumbled her way to the notion that "abstinence is unrealistic," she didn't just say what everyone in fake America has known forever, but she drew a line in the sand between herself and her mother and you know some grade A cat fighting went down that night at the dinner table.  I can just see it now, the two of them going at it, the First Dude trying to keep things under control, Willow crying in the corner and little Piper attempting to nurse baby Trig.  What a scene it must have been!  A veritable last supper of Alaskan innocence.  Oh, to have seen it with my own eyes.  And now imagine if I were sitting there too, the unwelcome boyfriend so into this chick that he doesn't mind raising some jackass' kid.  Alas, I can only imagine it as I lie in bed each night.

And you know that when Brisol told Van Susteren that abstinence was unrealistic, it really meant that she loves dick.  You just know she loves it.  Damn.

But the truth is, there's tons of girls in America just like her.  There must be tens of thousands of less-than-intelligent, less-then-well-educated, dick-loving rich girls across this great land of ours.  But there's something that sets Bristol apart; actually, there are two things.  The first is that she is close to the heart of all that red-state anger, close enough to touch it and run into it during a midnight piss.  And, there is little Tripp.  He is truly the key.  For in him, one can implant the teachings of a better future.  And you can do it right under their noses, under their very own roof.  The chance to inact such change from the inside, to blow them up from the core, is simply too much for me to take.  It pushes me over the edge.  It makes me yearn for the day when I can wake up and I too can pretend to see Russia from that house.

When you think about it, there's too much at stake for this not to happen.  It's a lot of responsibility, but I accept my role.  I just hope Bristol can accept hers.  For it's clear, if I don't get it on with Bristol Palin, the world is in big, big trouble.


  • 1

    "But, she’s still totally rich, which is awesome." Indeed, Mr. Green. Indeed.

  • 2

    This is the most heartwarming piece of writing I've encountered in years. I feel as if, suddenly, the whole world makes sense. Birds are singing in my ears. Spring has sprung upon my senses. Life is a magical playland where all unwed teen mothers are fruit ripe for my metaphorical picking.

  • 3

    You've given my guilty pleasure boner a cause and direction. It's like my penis has found its very own PETA. Thank you Mr. Green.

  • 4

    I'd hit it!

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