Pooping in Peace

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stallExtreme Peeing in Public,” posted earlier this summer, was well received by the Steve’s Word audience and is a great guideline for those with penises and peeing problems.  I agree that one’s dire need to drain the snake is a topic that cannot be ignored, but what about the people who have no problem going #1 and can typically find their way to a toilet but do however live their lives in fear of the other bodily function that is much more difficult to clean up? Those of you who travel to exotic locations, know the aftermath of Jamaican jerk pork chops, or must take a pill before enjoying an Oreo Blizzard, know exactly what I’m talking about.  This is your guide. Your guide to pooping in peace. How to keep your sounds and smells to a minimum.  You can now get a handle on all the crap in your life. At least the portion that comes out your ass. 1. The Courtesy Flush This is the most widely used and time tested method for those #2 situations.  It is the easiest technique, as it can be done anywhere a flushable crapper is found.  The procedure is simple. Any patient person knows that defecation comes in stages.  When the first segment is complete and you release the initial burst that sent you running for the loo in the first place, you then have to sit and wait.  You are at the mercy of the excrement.  It commands you.  While you are sitting there, do you really want the first round to sit in the toilet, stinking up the place?  I don’t think so.  This is when you flush.  Not only does it take away the first load, helping to eliminate the lingering smell, but it provides background noise for round two.  It’s the perfect way to hide the two most unpleasant parts of pooping. Sometimes the double flush is a tell to the on-listeners but it’s better than having them hear or smell the actual act.  And when there is a sensor activated flusher, you can say it went off by itself, allowing you a clean break from your feces.

2. The Match Lighting a match is a college favorite and has become a running joke for many who have experienced dorm-style bathroom quarters. “Oh man, someone light a match!” It is all fun and games and provides a hearty laugh between those who whizpop and poop with no shame. But for some people this is no laughing matter, fecal or otherwise, and sometimes emergency smell annihilation is required.  This is a necessity when one knows the stench will be particularly harsh, usually occurring after a night of consuming shitty alcohol or, for some, ice cream and cheese.  Lighting a match successfully abolishes the smell; however it is blatantly obvious that one has dropped a deuce. If the knowledge of your poop is not your main concern and you are only worried about not provoking the gag reflex of your friends and family, the match could be your method of choice.  Just make sure you light it, blow it out, then wave it around the bathroom. This is the most effective formula for the match method. And a travel note: you can carry them around in your pocket for smell abolishment on the go! 3. Spray ANYTHING Sometimes you will get lucky and a bathroom will be stocked with air-freshener, providing you with easy coverage of your offensive fragrance.  When the air freshener is not considerately placed on top of the john for your spraying pleasure, your initial reaction may be to panic, but remain calm!  You might be saved by another sprayable substance possibly hidden elsewhere in the powder room.  Look around.. under the sink, in the closet, behind the mirror.  If you find anything with a spray nozzle, do not hesitate to spritz the room with whatever aroma the substance claims to resemble.  Whether it is the classic sun ripen raspberry bath and body works spray or the "fresh clean" scent of scrubbing bubbles bathroom cleaner, either will do.  I do not know exactly what fresh clean scent means, but it has to be better than shit, right?  And another travel note: travel size hairspray works in this situation as well.  If anyone questions it, you just respond by saying you have unruly locks.  Works for me. 4. Run the Sink or Shower OK, I know this sounds like I hate the environment and before those door to door water saving people come track me down and force me to pay 10 cents a month to provide Nalgene bottles to underprivileged children, let me explain.  I live in a studio apartment.  And sometimes, despite every effort to hold it until later, you have to poop while others are visiting.  In such a small space, turning on the faucet of the sink or shower can provide a sense of privacy, at least for the moment. "No one can hear me! I am home alone!" This combined with the courtesy flush is the best way to fool your guests. If you are greeted with quizzical looks upon exiting the bathroom, you may say you were washing your hands for the length of the "Happy Birthday" song and the toilet doesn't fully flush on the first try.  They may not believe you but they certainly won't ask any more questions.  If they do, they are nosey.  The shower running is a little trickier to explain but another option is to actually take a shower after completing your act of excretion.  This works best for weekend-long stays from friends you don't know that well or during the early stages of out-of-town hook-ups. 5. The Pooping Stall (mainly for work related incidences) Every building has that one stall that is known for its outstanding ability to receive any crap that comes its way.  Perhaps it is slightly more hidden than the other less equipped stalls in the building or maybe it is merely at the end of the line of stalls, providing the most space between you and the other people who have only come to bathroom to go #1 (lucky bastards).  Once you find this stall, your work day will become significantly less tense.  This celebrated stall may be on your floor and that is perfectly acceptable; nevertheless, if you can find one on another floor, I urge you to make this your go-to spot.  Do you really want the people you work with everyday to know the smell and consistency of your BMs?  The next office meeting may be a little awkward if your boss just caught a whiff of your kids in the pool.  Furthermore, the pooping stall code is usually respected by other bathroom patrons and when occupied, others tend to move quickly in order to give the pooper his or her deserved privacy.  It is a beautiful thing. 6. Move to Another Location When nothing will hide the sounds and smells except for walls, floors, sometimes even city blocks, a pooper must really get creative.  Sometimes in my office, when the pooping stall is occupied (see number 5), I walk to a friend's office, a one and half block walk through North Philadelphia.  It is worth the effort, my friends.  This lavatory has a key, is always stocked with air-freshener, and is only used by a small number of people.  It is the Rolls Royce of shitters.  If you are home and this situation presents itself, fake an urgent errand and find a nearby Wawa or bookstore.   It may seem extreme, but these can be extreme circumstances.  A friend of mine recently braved the daytime mall crowd in order to let his persistent turtle head free. It was the only option he had, given he lives with his brother and sister-in-law in a house that currently has one working bathroom, inconveniently located adjacent to the TV room. Sometimes you must sacrifice your comfort to save the noses of ones you care about.  As Jenna Marony of TGS once said “Love is going downstairs to the Burger King to poop.”

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