McDonald’s is cranking out some sweet beats these days. Do they have a CD out? If you’ve recently tuned into an NBA game or UPN you have, with 100% certainty, seen a McDonald’s commercial. Take your pick of the lot. I guarantee some asshole will be rapping over a hot track about how he’s going to roll down to McDonald’s and nab a Big & Tasty for his cousin and his boo, or maybe an Escalade full of brotha’s are just trying to holler at some McGriddles. All the while, their system blasts a melody with the complexity of a Barney singalong.

McDonald’s is targeting the Black community with the subtlety of a category five hurricane and it’s embarrassing for all parties involved. Now, not only is black culture closely knitted with the most ridiculous music in existence, in glam rap, but also my peoples are the poster group for the unhealthiest food a human being can ingest.

My big question is, why the hell can’t a massive corporation like McDonald’s embrace diversity and come up with some marketing campaigns that link together the people of our nation? Realistically, they are further segregating our communities and portraying McDonalds’s to be the next best place to the barbershop for Black folk to congregate.

What the hell happened to Ronald McDonald skating around, hand in hand with the Hamburgler, Grimace, and Mayor McCheese. White, Black, Yellow, Brown: everybody could relate to the camaraderie of four giant boobs engaging in buffoonery during the winter months. Now, there’s this fucking snowman with his top hat askew, a swagger in his step, and a head bob that makes Michael J. Fox look like mannequin. Worst of all his voice is that of a failed rapper who manages to rhyme the phrases “better recognize” and “cheeseburger, large fries.” Jesus Christ. I’m about to snap here, so I’m going to do McDonald’s a solid.

I have decided to take the initiative and hatch a few new non-offensive marketing schemes that McDonald’s should consider adopting. Don’t worry. I have a marketing degree. The plans are as follows.

Marketing Plan #1
Hire the legendary soul masters Earth Wind and Fire for a couple of spots. First and foremost, the 100 member all black ensemble will not exclude any member of the black community, which is obviously McDonald’s number one priority. Secondly, everyone from Lil’ Romeo to the Imperial Wizard can get down to classic jams like September and Fantasy. Lastly, at this point, Earth Wind and Fire are hungrier for work than an Arab in Paris, and would gladly sell out to a billion dollar corporation. It beats playing at an ice-skating spectacular, which is seemingly the only work they can get these days.

Marketing Plan #2

Why don’t they expand upon the alliance they’ve already forged with Parker Brothers for the McDonald’s Monopoly game? If there’s one thing that can tear down the walls of segregation it’s an invigorating game of Boggle. When funny words like “pubes,” or slang words like “grillz” randomly appear, laughs amongst competitors will embroider friendships, no matter what color they are. Install a Boggle station at every sit-down in McDonald’s and hold competitions on Friday evenings. Not only are you encouraging all walks of life to visit McDonald’s to order some brain food, you’re keeping our youth off the streets, and educating them in the process.

Marketing Strategy #3

Convert all of the old characters into new ones with inappropriate stereotyped ethnicities. Ronald becomes an Iraqi with dynamite strapped to his waist, The Hamburglar a drunk Native American, Mayor McCheese a pushy Asian, Grimace as a straight thug who wears throwback jerseys and slangs McNuggets, Birdie as a redneck, pregnant teen who chain smokes unfiltered Newports, and so on. Because all races are equally alienated, all will feel no resentment toward one another. Furthermore, members of differing races will be able to share a laugh at one another’s expense. Any psychologist will tell you, being able to laugh at yourself is the first step to strengthening one’s self esteem.

There you go, McDonald’s. Take it and run, buttheads.