I Want to Murder the Kid Next Door

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apartmentHere is yet another bridge to cross in the journey of New Tim. I'm doing my best to be a calmer, patient, spontaneous, worry-free man, but that doesn't mean I still don't want to murder the 10 year old boy that lives next door to me. There are three main things that he does that drives me batty and I will explain each of them for you.

1. He runs back and forth. This is loud and shakes my entire apartment. It was slightly annoying when he was 8, now that he's 10 and much bigger it's quite a dilemma.

2. He shouts and cries all the time thus causing his mother and/or grandmother to yell at him in some harsh Slavic language. Have you ever heard a woman scream in Russian or Polish or Slovenian. I have and it's terrifying and I blame the little rascal for all of it.

3. I don't know what the fuck it is but apparently he rolls something back and forth across the apartment floor. The only thing that I think it might be is a dumbbell with hexagonal weights. Not a roundish dumbbell because it goes "clunk, clunk, clunk, clunk" across the apartment. Obviously, this isn't what the object is, but I can't figure out what the hell it is and why the hell he has to roll this thing. How the fuck does he get away with it? How can his mother and grandmother who he lives with stand it?

So what's the point of all this complaining? When you live in an apartment there are certain things you can and cannot do that you would otherwise partake in in a stand alone home. Moreover, there are certain things one must tolerate living in an apartment, but there is a balance that must be struck. I'm here to tell you what those things are so that you can use this as a guide as to how you should behave when living in an apartment.

Here's what you Shouldn't Do:

1. No Running
You just can't do it. Ever. It's loud and shakes the apartment on all four sides of you. I don't care if you're a little kid of full of life and energy. Go outside and run around. It's not my fault you didn't get to grow-up in the suburbs with a yard and a big house. You live in an apartment and you have to calm the heck down.

2. No Slamming Doors
This is just nuts. You can't even do this in a regular house. How do you think this is ok? Have you ever had some jerk, probably in middle school or high school, sneak up behind you and then clap his hands really loud? This is what it's like. You make people literally jump out of their couch or $30 office chair from Staples. Stop it.

3. No Loud Music or TV Past 11pm
Doesn't everybody know this? Especially if your taste in music sucks, you cannot play it past 11pm. Look, I like Peter Tosh and Bob Marley too. I really do, but you are aware that there are other types of music and musical artists out there, right? Cripes, you live in an apartment. You live in an apartment so put some dang headphones on after 11pm and you ride the "Babylon Bus" as loud as you want.

4. No Yelling
This one is obvious. If you need to engage in a domestic dispute, do it in a park or through Google Talk. You have neighbors. You don't need to let them know how disappointed you are in your husband or how much of a controlling bitch your wife is.C'mon.

5. Leave Your Wooden Floors Bare
I'm pretty sure it's in your lease that you have to put some rugs down. Unless my lease is different from yours, but I'm confident it's not because we moved in at the same time. This is especially true if you're a prostitute or have some other job that necessitates you wear high heels. Maybe you just don't understand that you wake up your neighbors every fucking morning. Is it so hard to wear flats one G-D day?

6. Vacuuming ONCE a week is plenty
Sure it's a perfectly good way to hide your argument from the kids, but again, you live in an apartment. We know you don't need to vacuum every day at 7pm right when you're husband gets home from work. Give the guy a break. Plus, the kids know what's going on and the neighbors know that the kids know what's going on because the kids are always crying in the hall when you're vacuuming. I think it's time to get a duplex in New Jersey. I hearMontclair is lovely.

Here's what you have to endure:

7. People walking around in the apartment above you
You CANNOT bang on the ceiling if people are just walking around. You have to deal with this. You live in New York City in a first floor apartment. Fucking deal with it.

8. No Confrontations
If someone complains about you slamming doors to management, you cannot confront people in the building about it. The whole purpose of complaining through the management is to maintain friendly neighbor interactions.

9. Introducing Yourself
If you're a hot girl in her 20's, you still have to stop and talk to the handsome men that live in your building. It is not ok to just give a pathetic, "hello", or "thanks". You must stop and talk and ask, "so what apartment do you live in? Really? How long have you been here? Wow, so what do you do? Oh, that sounds cool. You guys should totally stop by sometime and have some drinks. No, really, just knock on the door whenever, I mean it. We're new to the city and would love to meet some new people. Especially people as cute as you.Hahaha, but seriously, c'mon by sometime." Is that too hard?

10. Overhearing Sex
When your neighbors are "banging it out" it is not okay to bang on the wall and interrupt his stroke. I'm sorry, but sex is a part of life and it is never an inappropriate time to engage in loud, passionate sex. Didn't you go to college? Oh, that's right, you're from Central Europe. Fine, then your son was going to learn about sex sooner or later lest he produce a bastard child like himself.  Education is the key to preventing unwanted pregnancy and young boys learn best by example.

Now, I plead you, use these easy to follow and universally applicable Apartment Living Rules in your own life. You'll be much happier. Trust me.


  • 1

    his 'stroke'? is he (you) alone banging it out or is this a slavic term?

    anyway, i agree with most of your terms....however, i myself have not complied with the rug deal since that causes more vacuum use.

  • 2

    "Banging it out" actually does mean jerking off to internet porn without headphones.

  • 3

    i thought jerking off to I.P. without headphones was called "jerkin' bareback."

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