Faux Amateur Porn

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faux_ameteur_leadI'm not alone just because I'm lonely. Or is it I'm not lonely just because I'm alone? Either way I beat-off a lot. And as Valentine's Day draws nigh, I'm once again reminded of my solitude. It's not that every single day I don't feel the crushing weight of my impending fate to die alone in a cold hospital bed without ever having truly loved another human being. Valentine's Day merely exacerbates the persistent feeling. Alas, there has been one thing that has given me a reason to live through these years of romantic isolation: The Miracle of Internet Porn. Here I will review not just any Internet porn though. A specific breed of porn that I like to call “Faux-Amateur Porn.” As a man who has spent the majority of his 10 to 11 reproductive years alone, I'm somewhat of a connoisseur. In honor of the most holy of holidays, Valentine's Day, let me count the ways these Faux-Amateur sites have made me reach for my Lubriderm more than others.

What makes these sites better than most is the set-up. It's beautifully simple. If you're a man, I'm sure you're aware of these sites: Mike’s Apartment, Captain' Stabbin, Big Naturals, Cum Fiesta, and so on. They are predicated upon the premise that a guy and a buddy with a camera cruise the streets in search of some willing, vulnerable female and convince her either through promises of money or just having a good time to have sex with them either back at the dude's crib or on some sort of traveling vessel. This plays off of a deep-seeded, universal male fantasy: To be able to bone any girl you want. What elevates these sites to their Brechtian heights is that it's all obviously fake. The girls in these videos are clearly not amateurs, what with the collagen, fake boobs, and lightening quick willingness to get railed on camera. More importantly, the “filmmakers” don't hide this fact at all either. That's the real genius. This delicate, self-reflexive balance between reality and play allows your mind to rest easy knowing that these girls truly aren't being taken advantage of, well, for the most part.

Other than the carefully constructed artifice of the initial set-up, what sets these sites apart from others is that they are devoid of the usual distractions. There's no story or dialogue. There's no corny music to throw you off your rhythm. There's no lens filters, bizarre premises, or outlandish settings like a spaceship or the Old West. Just fucking. It's straight guy on girl sex with maybe a little dash of anal thrown in for good measure. Sure they change positions to spice it up, but there's no over-aggressive abusive shit that you see by accident sometimes. I don't want to see some girl get strangled. I'd rather not have to make the choice between reporting a website to the F.B.I. or finishing myself off. There's no extreme close-ups or gauging. I mean, c'mon, I'm trying to spank it here. I don't want to see some chick get a colonoscopy. And there is certainly no squirting. Which by the way is an unexplained phenomenon that seems to have surfaced circa 1999. Can anyone explain this? Even Wikipedia has no idea what's going on here.

Finally, what makes these faux-amateur porn sites the best pornography available on the World Wide Web is that they set the gold standard for independent filmmaking. No other production company has done so much with so little. Basically, they have one DV camera that doesn't even seem to be of professional grade. There's no lighting and the sound is the mic on the camera. The only thing they have to continually buy is tape stock. That's it. Also, there are no female stars they have to pay. Sure, it's nice to see Jenna Jameson getting manhandled, but honestly, hot girls are a dime a dozen and if you've seen one get railed you've seen 'em all get railed. Moreover, these guys came up with one idea and have altered it dozens upon dozens of ways to satisfy every man's desire. You'd think they'd run out of ideas to tweak this ingenious set-up, but if you've watched as much 30-second porn as I have, you'd know that the options are limitless. You've got hot moms at Milfhunter.com, hot Latinas at 8thstreetlatines.com, black girls at Roundandbrown.com, young girls at Firsttimeauditions.com, party girls at IntheVIP.com, girl on girl action at Welivetogether.com, and so on and so on. This type of guerrilla, independent, highly profitable filmmaking should be taught not only at every film school across the country, but in every business school as well. No shit, these guys are my heroes, but more importantly they exemplify that the American dream is still alive and well.

There you have it. If you ask me, Faux-Amateur Porn on the Internet is the way you should fill up your wastebasket with Kleenex. Maybe next year I'll write an op-ed piece about the beautiful time my girlfriend and I had on Valentine's Day, but most likely I'll still be alone. Come to think of it, revealing my masturbation habits probably doesn't help my cause either. All I ask is that you recognize that it is with great sacrifice that I bring you these wise words. Nevertheless, I'll be happy to spend my Valentine's Day chilling on Captain Stabbin's yacht at CaptainStabbin.com with some lovely young ladies. You should too. Maybe we could convince him to finally take his t-shirt off whilst he's giving it to some broad on the poop deck.

3 Comments

  • 1

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  • 3

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