Here I am again to make your life a little better. Those who know me know that I pee a lot. Those who know me also are aware that this should probably limit my alcohol intake due to the process known as diuresis that takes effect when consuming alcohol. It doesn't. Ipso facto, I have to urinate quite often when a restroom, powder room, water closet, toilet, or any other place where it is acceptable for a human to deposit his or her human liquid waste is not available. As someone with a tiny bladder and high metabolic rate, it's a scientific fact that I've urinated 67% more times than the average 28 year-old male. You can rest easy knowing that my expertise comes from an unlucky amount of experience. The following list of tremendously helpful advice that you're about to read with awe and admiration will begin with those moderately desperate situations that we all find ourselves in far too often. Then it'll be time to move onto some Extreme Peeing in Public. Those highly urgent and perilous situations when all hope is seemingly lost. I'm here to tell you that there's never a situation where you can't courteously pee in public, minimize offending your fellow citizens, avoid getting arrested, and keep your dungarees dry. Oh, please note, this is for people that live in cities. If you live in the burbs or the country, you already know you can pee just about anywhere you want. I envy you. For the rest of us left in cities, the weather is getting much nicer and you'll be finding yourself outdoors and without a convenient place to pee much more often in the coming weeks.
Places of Business
This is an easy one, but I'll give you some advice if you run into trouble with the standard options. Let me start by asking, where do you usually go when you're out and about on a lovely stroll and nature calls? Everyone knows that most establishments will give you a hard time asking to use their bathroom. The modern man knows that it is safe to stroll into a Starbucks, Borders, or Barnes & Noble stress free. Here's the pickle. What if there's a huge line at any of these places or if the bathroom is out of order? What if you're somehow nowhere near any of these places. I've got two solid tips for you. First off, Cold Stone Creamery has a bathroom. You can pee in there. I learned this the hard way. The second and more important tip is to find a bar. If the place is nearly empty you should ask to use the can and they will always say, yes. If there's a crowd, don't even bother. Pretend you're looking for someone. Get on your cellphone, "Jim, I'm here but I don't see you," and head strait to the loo. It's fail safe.
Know your Sight Lines
It's a common myth that if you can't someone they can't see you. What are you a fucking idiot? Just because your head is hidden doesn't mean the rest of your body isn't in plane sight. Burying your head and wang in some dark crany doesn't mean people can't see you. You may feel less self-conscious because you don't have to look them in the eye, but they can still see you. I understand that whizzing in plain sight is unavoidable. Like all tips on this list I'm just trying to help you minimize the risk of arrest and loss of self-respect if the opportunity is present.
Work the Shadows
You'd be surprised at how many people don't do this. Follow this simple rule, there's always a dark place to pee, you just have to work for a little bit. Go to the darker side of the dumpster, the darker corner of the alley, stand behind the Hummer not the Mini Cooper. This is easy folks, c'mon. The darker the place to pee the less of a chance anyone will notice what you're up to when they stroll by. You should also be aware of how the human eye works. If a police officer or passerby is in a well lit area, they cannot see into a dark space. However, if you are both in the dark, they will see you. Don't you know anything about the aperture of your own pupils?
Public Urination in Daytime
This is highly discouraged, but sometimes you just have to do it. I remember on one of our Steve's Word shoots we were shooting a scene out on a jetty in the middle of the Long Island Sound. I had some sort of cold and was chugging water like a diabetic camel. I had to pee like a mo-fo and there were tons of people walking. This jetty is probably the nicest place to take your lady on a stroll in all of Bridgeport, CT and do some necking. Moreover, it was the first nice day of Spring. Needless to say, there were a lot of horny teenage couples out there. I was less concerned about them getting in our scene then I was about them watching me pee which I had to do. So here's what you do. You simply determine in which direction less people can see your penis and you pee that way. That's it. That's the only thing you can do to minimize the damage. Repeat this mantra to calm your nerves, "Everybody pees. This is natural. I am just one small, glorious piece of the circle of life. Everybody pees." That should help. Also, be on the lookout for Park Rangers. If a Park Ranger is in the direction of less people, it's a shame, but more people are going to have to see your dong in the hopes you don't get arrested.
Take a Knee (Daytime)
Here's another daytime tip if you're caught in an urban setting. "Take a knee". Don't siddle up to a corner. You're still in daylight, buddy. Unzip your pants, crouch down on one knee, whip your thang out, and let it flow. Be careful that you don't put your knee down where the pee will flow. If you must, slightly lift your knee of the ground. This may require some strength training, so I suggest you start running or doing some squats. Let me give you a fine example when it is best to take a knee. I have this friend, let's call him Leff Jarson, who has the worst cell phone ever built. He also thinks it's a good idea to put headphones on when he's expecting someone to stop by in order to drop off a TV that he wanted. So, I was driving to Leff's in Bed-Stuy, coming all the way from Morningside Heights in a Zipcar I had rented. Somewhere along the 125th St. Bridge, I possessed the urge to urinate and urinate bad. My only hope was that I could hold out until I got to Leff's and that he would immediately let me in his apartment to pee. Well, because he has the worst cellphone and no amount of knocking or doorbell ringing could penetrate his headphones, I had to engage in some Extreme Public Urination. It was a beautiful day and the sidewalk was full of people strolling about. I had to piss so bad that I could barely walk. I was hunched over and shamelessly holding my ding-a-ling. The best solution I could come up with was to "take a knee" between the trash cans at the bottom of Leff's brownstone steps and then pray. Thankfully, no one saw me or if they did they didn't care. One advantage to peeing behind a dumpster or in between trashcans is that the smell of your urine is masked by the trash. One last thing here, if you can take a knee between two parked cars, preferably SUVs, then you're all but assured of not being seen. Plus, your tinkling in the street is much more courteous than peeing on a sidewalk.
The Physics of Creating Urban Streams
Please, dude, do us all a favor, if you can at all help it, DO NOT whiz at the top of a hill. Don't you understand that liquid is effected by gravity and flows downhill? This also brings us back to to taking a knee. If you must pee on a sidewalk that is on an incline, get off the damn sidewalk. There's a reason there are signs all over the city that say "curb your dog". "Curb Yourself, Bro". Furthermore, find some dirt or grass if you can. Again, think "what would a dog do?" and you'll be just fine.
On the Subway
Whatever you do, do not pee on the train. This is just completely unacceptable. Don't try to pee between the cars. You could die. It's not worth it. Your first real option is to get off at the next stop. We're going to assume here that you have to go so bad that you can't make it up the subway stairs and you don't have the time to locate some establishment with a bathroom. You're already beyond that. This is called "Extreme Peeing in Public" not, "I Kinda Gotta Go Bad." Here's really the only advice I can give you. Go all the way to the end of the platform and do what you gotta do. You'll be embarrassed and feel like an asshole, but this is the only way to minimize the damage that can be done. I've done this on the L train at the 1st Avenue stop on a Saturday night. My friends made fun of me and strangers derided me, but I kept my pants dry and still had a great night out. It's worth it.
Utilize a Wide Mouth Container
We've all been there. Trapped in a car on your way to a game or a concert. You thought it would be a good idea to start drinking on the way to the game, but you didn't anticipate how horrendous the traffic would be getting into the parking lot of the venue. You feel like all hope is lost. You're in the car and traffic is at a complete stand still. Your bladder is filling at an incredible rate. You know that you're not going to be able to park anywhere near the stadium and it's a huge gamble to think you'll park near a Port-a-Potty. The thought of just getting out of the car and peeing in the road crosses your mind, but then you see that there are police all over the place. What do you do? Remember that can of Coors Light you just downed? It has an extra wide mouth for chugability. That's right. Piss in it. If you had your wits about you and were realistic about your bladder's capacity, you could have better prepared for this. One option is to purchase a large gatorade bottle or, if you want to go green when it comes to pissing in your car, buy a Nalgene bottle that's totally dedicated to capturing your drunken pee.
Don't Pee at All
If you think you're hardcore and want to roll like a rockstar, you have two more options. 1) Adult Diapers. Sure you won't be able to wear your Skinny Jeans, you'll have to put on some legwear that is a bit more "flowy". You should still probably get to the bathroom when you can. This option will simply allow you to "let a little bit go" while you swim through the crowd of douchebags and frat boys in the concourse of the concert. The second and more extreme option is using a catheter. What? You think that's too harcore? Well, do you want to be an Extreme Pee-er or not? Look, all it requires is a little surgical lube and overcoming the deep psychological barrier of inserting something in your urethra. However, if you're strong enough to do this the benefits you reap will be beyond your wildest dream. You can go an entire evening without having to hit up the john. Can you imagine how liberating that feels? Note: remember to keep a watchful eye on your bag and empty it when you can. However, if the bag breaks, you can say someone spilled a beer on your. Everyone else will be so drunk that they'll never suspect a thing. Just trust me on this one.
Come on, Eldrick.