Coping with Erectile Dysfunction

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zacktateIt's been a tough decade-and-a-half for me and my wife Kelly. After our college years and Kelly's pregnancy scare, which led to our shotgun wedding in Las Vegas, I got a job selling used cars in Burbank and Kelly started teaching Kindergarten at Bo Jackson Primary School right outside of town. It might not sound like much, but those lean years were probably the happiest of our lives. We were in our early twenties, living in a little one-bedroom and eating tofu chicken three times a week. But, truth be told, we worked hard and played hard, and our sex life had never been better.

Years went by, friends got married and had kids or moved to the suburbs, my best friend Screech died of a painkiller overdose, and my cellphones got smaller as my hairline got taller. I was promoted to General Manager at the car dealership, and Kelly started going to night school to get her MBA. We got a mortgage and upsized to a nice little ranch-style house in South Pasadena and, a few years back, things really started to look up. Then, as my 35th birthday approached, something suddenly went wrong. Kelly and I were getting hot and heavy one night and then...nothing. My groin and brain had cut off the connection and my noodle was as limp as a bowl of Chef Boyardee.

I was impotent.

To Kelly's credit, she was really supportive. She's always thinking of others, you know. At first, she blamed herself, crying uncontrollably, looking at me with those big bloodshot eyes, asking me if it was because she had gained some weight after college. I held her closely and told her of course it wasn't her fault, that it was my disorder. "No, Zack," she wailed, "it's OUR disorder."

On Kelly's suggestion, I started seeing a psychologist, who talked me through some of the potential causes of my penile arousal issues. He seemed to think I had deep-seated commitment issues and that my less-than-stellar relationship with my deadbeat dad could've contributed to my sexual and emotional issues, making them bubble up to the surface and collect in my crotch. Psychologically. He also started talking about "latent homosexuality," after I told him about the biweekly squash games I play with my old friend A.C., but I don't know about that. Long story short, my shrink (no pun intended) and I talked it over for months, but my progress was incremental at best and Lil' Zach stayed firmly nestled in the sack. Kelly started to get impatient as her biological clock ticked away, so I decided to cut off my sessions with the shrink and go see a urologist for a physical.

As you may know, my middle school and high school, and even my university for a brief period, were the subjects of a long-running documentary series in the late 1980s and early 1990s. One day, out of the blue, a film crew showed up at JFK Middle School and just started rolling. We got used to it, eventually, and by the time we'd gotten to Bayside High, we barely even noticed them. We were so young. We had no clue that once they'd been edited and put into television syndication we would become semi-cult stars. We didn't even think people were going to watch it! We assumed it was all going to be cut down for a PBS special someday about teenagers in America. To be perfectly honest, sometimes I kick myself for failing to capitalize on my fame when I could've. I know the gang certainly does, especially Kelly. But you have to remember, reality TV wasn't what it is now back in the early '90s. People didn't know what to make of it. The documentaries about our daily lives pulled in the youth demographic, but we didn't have publicity managers, stylists, PR companies, all that stuff. So none of us became big Hollywood stars. Aside from Jessie, who went on to do some X-rated movies after she dropped out of Stansbury, and ended up shooting some movies in the San Fernando Valley. But me? Try as I might later on, my name recognition didn't open any Tinseltown doors.

Regrets? Yeah, I've got a couple.

But back to my point, if you've seen those documentaries you might know that I have a serious aversion to doctors and hospitals. Once, when I hurt my ankle in high school and had to be operated on by my friend Lisa's mother, I truly feared for my life, and the trauma of that near-death experience really stuck with me. Now I avoid hospitals like the plague and homework.

But, with Kelly's gentle prodding, I went to see a doctor in West Hollywood that A.C. recommended. The doctor gave me a thorough once-over and concluded that I had a case of run-of-the-mill erectile dysfunction. He assured me that it was a normal affliction and happened to lots of men, then prescribed me some pills and sent me on my way.

Again, if you are a documentary film-buff, you may know that I have a minor fear of pills.

Once, in high school, my good friend Jessie - who regrettably passed away a few years ago - became addicted to caffeine pills. It was a real mess, and nearly tore our circle of friends apart. I think it was this emotionally-wrenching episode that drew Screech to the painkillers, to be honest with you. He never really recovered from it, no matter what he may have said or what comedic foibles he would've endeavored to hide the pain. But I myself have always been something of a straight-edge kind of guy. You name it, I turned it down. From the joint and blow offered to me by former film star Johnny Dakota, to the booze offered to me at a college party, I was always the first one to look the pusher or the camera in the eye and say, "Nope."

So, after filling my prescription and nervously grasping the amber-hued prescription bottle as I sat in the driveway in my idling Mazda Miata that balmy summer evening, I made the decision, for the sake of my marriage and for the sake of helping Kelly fulfill her dreams of motherhood, to start taking the pills. Sometimes it's hard to share your life with someone else, especially if you're as stubborn as me, but I knew that I was doing the right thing by making this compromise.

I sat down with Kelly at the dinner table, made her a little pot of Chamomile tea, and the two of us had a heart-to-heart. She's always been a good listener. So selfless. I put on her favorite Scott Gale tape and we discussed our past, my penis, and our future. She said she didn't want to rush me, and that she didn't care about my E.D., that she loved me no matter what, and that we could work through anything, just like we'd worked through that affair she had with her college professor freshman year. Kelly told me that we would be "Friends Forever," and that she'd always be there for me. So we sat, weeping softly to the sound of Scott Gale's instrumental keyboard canticle. I popped open the prescription bottle as a singular tear fell from Kelly's eye, placed a pill on my tongue, and washed it down with a mouthful of Powerade. Then I stood, offered my hand to Kelly, and we danced slowly until Side A of the tape clicked to its logical terminus. It was around that time that I felt a slight stirring within my double-pleats, and Kelly whispered softly in my ear, "Take me to bed, Zack."

"I hope you're ready for a Zack Attack," I growled, as we rushed into the bedroom, tearing off our clothes along the way in a fit of feral zeal.

As Kelly threw me onto the waterbed and mounted my love-seat, I felt overwhelmed in a way I hadn't since 1992, the first time Kelly tried the Reverse Cowgirl with me after a pep rally. I felt like I had really discovered something, a wild side of Kelly I'd forgotten about - or maybe neglected? - almost like the little pills I'd been prescribed were giving me a new lease on life. Friends, money, good looks, Principals, they all come and go. Now that I had gotten my old groove back, I realized that I really was a lucky man after all, and I was comforted with the knowledge that Kelly would love me just as much with an inoperable weiner as with a chemically-induced 4-hour rock-hard one.

Yes, Kelly may be a violent minx in the waterbed, but as she held my clammy hand that first night my impotence hit and softly sang "Get Down and Break a Sweat" into my ear as she rocked me back and forth and I sobbed quietly into her shoulder, I knew right then and there that this woman was the real deal. I only regret that Screech, Jessie, and my old mentor Dick Belding couldn't live to see me this happy.


  • 1

    [...] Coping with Erectile Dysfunction » [...]

  • 2

    What happened to Dick Belding?! Oh, say it ain't so.

  • 3

    I think he got caught up in a gang turf war at Bayside about 10 years ago. It was all over the news.

    Bayside IS in California, after all. Dangerous place to be a principal.

  • 4

    Diabetics, Impotence and Levitra
    Unfortunately for many men one of the most common causes for male impotence is due to diabetes problems. Almost half of the people affected by this disease have some sort of male impotence problems, and that is where Levitra comes in to help. As a matter of fact, by the age of 65 only one in every twenty adults will not have sexual impotence problems, needless to say that is a lot of people. In comes Levitra to help again.
    There is also a statistic that says that 1 I every eight men in between the ages of 18 to 30, that also have diabetes will have serious problems related to sexual deficiencies and male impotence the most, needless to say what an aggravation this can be when considering that this young adults are at the prime of their sexual life and desire. Again comes Levitra, with it's active ingredient Vardenafil to the rescue.
    Impotence happens on male diabetics because of several reasons, all of which Levitra, Viagra, Cialis, Kamagra or almost other all of the impotence medications out in the market can avoid. It's been known that diabetics have blood flow problems because or broad artery walls, which in turn restrict the blood flowing to the heart, extremities and of course the penis. Since Levitra and sexual health medications have the complete opposite effect (they dilate artery walls and allow blood flow normally) they are a great help in reducing male impotence.
    Another cause of sexual problems in diabetic men is high glucose levels which have a counter effect on the nerves and nerve endings throughout the body. Guess what…? Levitra, active ingredient Vardenafil and it's similar drugs like Cialis, active ingredient Tadalafil and Viagra, active ingredient Sildenafil, can also help with this problem. Levitra will help sexual dysfunction problems by allowing the proper electrical signals to reach the brain and command it to make the body respond with and erection.
    Finally men with diabetes also have a tendency to have lesser testosterone levels, which in turn facilitate the conditions for erection problems. Levitra, or generic Viagra, can helped ailed men get back on track and go about normally on their sex performance. Do not be ashamed to talk to your doctor, physician or pharmaceutics about this issues, ask them if Levitra, Viagra or Cialis are right for you and go ahead and change you life. Get control, pleasure and satisfaction back in your life with Levitra.
    More Information at:

  • 5

    Thanks for the recommmendation, Charles. Unfortunately, I had a violent allergic reaction to Levitra - it made my rectum swell up and put intense pressure on my prostate gland, causing the act of urination to become incredibly painful and take upwards of 20 minutes per session. But thanks nonetheless.

  • 6

    Study shows obesity, diabetes and high cholesterol can cause impotence and erectile dysfunction

  • 7

    check, check, and check! but hey, san man, i'm as stiff as excalibur day in and day out. the cougar's ALWAYS ready to roar. ROWOWWR!

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