I try my hardest to be a positive person. I even have bumper stickers that say so, so you know I am serious. But these days, unfortunately, positivity can be seen as an unrealistic view of reality. Sometimes people just need to face the facts and stop dishing out positive sentiment where it doesn't exist. If you find that hard to swallow, don't worry; this week's Top 5 is here to gulp it down for you. Here are the top 5 words of encouragement that I think are crap. But don't hate me! Next week I will take the opposite road and show you how sappy I can really be.
#5 All you need is love
I want to believe that in my time of need, a strong embrace and big long smooch from my loved one will pull me out of my fog and take me down the path of happily ever after. Obviously it helps but in reality, and I know my main squeeze agrees so saying this does not put me in danger of a dry spell, we need plenty of other things as well. Let's ask the 10.2% of the population without jobs, shall we? Sure your medical bills are piling up, you cannot pay your rent, and your future is unclear, but don't fear! Love is in the air so you should be fine. Choose your doctors and landlords wisely because I hear some of them actually DO NOT accept jars of love as a form of payment, the assholes. At least the recent Blackberry and/or MasterCard commercial has established that this phrase is good for something: ambiguous advertising.
#4 A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush
What if the bird in your hand sucks? Should you hold onto it while it pecks away at your soul and two sweet, lovely birds chillax in the bush? Not to get all patriotic and crap, but isn't this going against the good old American Dream? It doesn't seem like one can achieve a better, richer, and happier life by holding onto a mean and nasty bird, if that's what you have. If all people are endowed by the powers that be with the pursuit of happiness, then those birds in the bush are fair game. As for me, I would rather have no birds at all than one that shits on me all the time.
#3 It is never too late
I constantly think about changing my career and pursuing a dream I gave up long ago; something for which I had tremendous passion. But being a regular cast member on HBO's G-String Divas is only appropriate at a certain time in your life. And unfortunately I do not think that time is now. This time constraint not only applies to body-baring professions, but anything where physical and/or mental agility are needed to succeed. Can anyone think of a profession that does not call for these qualities? My apologies to all you struggling something or others, but sometimes it really is too late. So move it or lose it sister and get the show on the road!
#2 Tomorrow is another day
Who believes this? I want to meet that person and watch them when they sleep. Not because I am a creepster but because I want to know what happens during those magical hours of darkness that would make this person believe the slate is wiped clean come morning? Do you put your problems under your pillow at night and wake up with a shiny new day underneath? What would you say to the women and men enduring an 8 year long war in Afghanistan? Don't worry ladies and gents.. tomorrow is another day! Yes, another day just like yesterday. Wonderful.
#1 Everything happens for a reason
Load of Crap. Sometimes things just happen for no frickin' reason at all. For example, did we really need a new strain of the flu to add to our list of things to freak out about? Sure Swine Flu has a catchy name but I don't think that is enough reason to warrant such a wide spread epidemic. Is its purpose to discourage college co-eds from playing beer pong? Why would that be necessary? Beer pong kicks ass. Furthermore, on a smaller scale, I bumped my head for the bazillionth time today in my attic-style living quarters. What the F was the reason for that?