The Re-Up: Dumped Via Email

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e_dumped_doritoEditor's note: Originally posted January 30th, 2006, there's something incredibly quaint about this column now.  Gosh, the time when certain human interations were excluded from the internet seems like forever ago.  In a time when technology and socializing have not only merged but are also speeding forward at a similar rate, we're already starting to see facebook status updates that lead to broken hearts and it's really only a matter of a few months before the kiss off is delivered in 140 characters and the hash tag "#u been dumped."  With that in mind, let's all recall a simpler time, when the question of whether you could e-dump without being an asshole was a real head-scratcher. Have we finally reached the point in society where it is OK to break up with someone over email? I say, Hell Yes! If you knew me personally you’d say, “Hey Tim, my experiences with you lead me to believe you are a passive-aggressive coward, afraid of confrontation, and ultimately a fucking asshole. This is why you support the email break-up.” I would reply, “You may be right, but I still think it’s ok to break up with someone via email under certain conditions.” These certain conditions are such; you met on the internet, you are ending a short-term-long-distance relationship, or either you or the person you are dating graduated high school in or after the year 2001.

It is perfectly acceptable to give an unsatisfactory partner met online his or her walking papers through electronic message for a number of reasons. The first one is obvious. Isn’t the irony that you met online and now your getting dumped online splendid? What else did you expect? I personally have not dabbled in internet dating, but let me tell you what a friend told me about his forays into this curious phenomenon. For the purpose of preserving his anonymity we will call him Dorito Watkins. So this buddy of mine, Dorito Watkins, is an internet dating Mac Daddy of sorts. He’s batting 1000 on all the sites. Over a few soy lattes and make-your-own s’mores, Dorito quipped that he’s dumped all his internet bitches via email regardless of the length or intensity of the relationship. He explained that in this era of “hooking-up” most relationships, especially e-romances end with a Houdini. People simply disappearing. Dorito recommends doing the admirable thing. Send her a cordial, yet non-specific email outlining how “it wouldn’t be fair to either of us for this to continue” and don’t forget to mention she’s a great gal and wish her good luck on her search for love. Most non-psycho skanks will appreciate the generic gesture, recognizing you met online and it’s only fitting to break-up online, and not demand specific reasons as to why you broke it off. The-Guy-Visiting-from-Out-of-Town has always been my best role. I’m not quite sure why, but it’s always easier to convince a young lady that your hand belongs down her pants when you live far, far away. Nevertheless, such a predicament occasionally fosters a short-term-long-distance relationship that must inevitably end. If this were a normal distance relationship the break-up could occur peacefully and civilly at our neighborhood Applebee’s. Don’t even think about breaking up over the phone either. This should never be an option regardless of distance. It’s just cruel. Especially over a cell phone with that fucking little delay and people always interrupting each other. Moreover, I always get flustered on the phone and undoubtedly would end up saying something regretful like, “Don’t be sad. You’re going to make somebody with lower standards very happy some day.” Not a good idea. So in such a circumstance the email dumparoo is the only acceptable route. Have you ever had the pleasure of dating someone who graduated high school in the year 2001 or later? Do you know or are you one these kids? With the pace that things change these days, kids two years younger than me seem to have grown up in another world. These youngsters live on the internet. They all have their own blogs, are on friendster and facebook, and they sure as hell don’t feel the stigma that’s attached to internet dating that us dinosaurs feel. To them there is no difference between meeting someone through a friend of a friend or online and neither should us old fogies. If by the grace of god I were allowed the opportunity to woo a young lady of this generation, when the time came to bid her adieu I wouldn’t hesitate to send a swift message to her Inbox with the subject heading, “Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: You” because for her there is no taboo of conducting intimate business digitally. We’ve been living in a world for quite a few years now where everything we do is online. Our banking, our shopping, our business, keeping in touch with old friends and family, reading the news, checking a train schedule, checking the weather, or quickly figuring out what that guy’s name is in that movie is all done online. Why the hell can’t we tell some floozy that she’s not as cool as she thinks she is and that she shouldn’t let the cyber door hit her where the good Lord split her? I say we can. If you’ll excuse me, I have to go renew my membership because there’s a world full of women out there just waiting to be disappointed by me.

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