The Tie That Binds

dad_shades It's Father's Day, it's Father's Day, let's all pretend we care!
We’ll buy a tie to celebrate that you were never there!
The absent one who paid the bills, today's your day to shine.
In spite of all my shoulder chips, I seem to be just fine.

6 Things I Learned as the Steve’s Word Intern

nate_green.jpgHello everyone, I'm so glad to be here. Actually, I've been here for a while but not in the full capacity that I am now. You see, I used to be the intern over here at Steve's Word but I was recently promoted. It was a tough road, but I made it through. Congrats to me.

As my mentors around here tell me constantly (when they reject my columns): "write what you know." So, as my first official assignment as a full-fledged member of the staff (my Week in Review didn't count since it prompted my promotion), I'm gonna do just that, and present to you the six very most important things I learned in my time as the Steve's Word intern. Hopefully this will also serve as a classified for finding a new intern, 'cause I'm supposed to be doing that too.

Dear Mom, I’m Sorry…

mother1.jpgDear Mom,

I'm sorry, but this just isn't going to work out. In order to make sure that there isn't a big scene, by the time you read this, I'll be gone.

Let's be real with each other; this doesn't feel right anymore. We each need more, or maybe it's only me. Maybe it's me who needs more and I accept that. I guess I just need to experience more things, get myself out there and explore. I know you'll think that is a very immature attitude, but I can't help it. The heart wants what it wants.

Math Bus: A Retrospective

mb_retrospectiveEven though Matt took some time in last Friday's Week in Review to mention everything that happened with Math Bus last week, well, we still just couldn't get enough of ourselves. Or rather, we couldn't get enough of marveling at this totally unexpected turn of events. We can't legitimately call it "success" per se, not one of us has seen a dime, but the idea that people have watched and enjoyed our work is very gratifying.

Erection Detection

erection_detection.jpgI’ll never forgive her for this. Here we are supposed to be relaxing, and it’s all going wrong. It seems like everything is right, we’re in a small brick building in the spa wing of a fancy hotel on a Caribbean island, the lighting is soft and low, the music is new wave, there’s an unmistakable scent of eucalyptus in the air.

Thank You for Not Shaving

not_shavingPorn stars have been doing it forever. So have strippers. It's a requirement for the faux-amateur sluts on the internet. But, now that pop starlets and movie ingénues have taken to giving their nether regions the old Yul Brenner treatment, I can stay silent no more.

Greenberg Family Newsletter

greenberg_wreathWe’re not quite sure how, but we ended up in this poor woman’s address book and were accidentally sent this Holiday Newsletter. This was too tragic and hilarious to keep from the world. God Bless you, Mrs. Greenberg.

Dear Friends,

Greetings! Wow.

Switching to Men

switch_to_men_leadI swear to god having a man’s fingers molest my head and assure me that I look good feels absolutely terrific. For years I’ve been dealing with these women who in addition to possessing damn near zero experience, have the confidence of a kid with a speech impediment giving an oral presentation. I can’t have that.

This Gross Thing on My Face

gross_thing_listBaby, the reason I haven’t called you is because I have this ugly looking thing on my face near my eye. It’s nasty. At first I thought it was just a zit. Nothing to worry about. Something I could wait out until it grew a pearly little head and I could pop it, ejaculating its evil contents onto my bathroom mirror.

But now this thing has been on my face for three weeks.

Keeping My Life Simple

life_simple_leadI like to keep my life simple. Speaking in idioms and colloquialisms is but one of the disciplines I practice to preserve a straightforward approach to life and its complexities. It’s kind of like your friend who has a three to four day buffer in between bowel movements, for the sake of time conservation.

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