Lifestyle

The Adventures of Schlong Valdez

schlong_valdez.jpgFor some reason, since I can't see your face right now, I don't mind telling you about one of the most embarrassing moments of my life.  It took place just a couple of months ago right here at the Steve's Word Home Office the night after some drunken ribaldry.  It was, and I don't mean to gush, the first time that the guys here had invited me out to go drinking with them and, well, I got fucking hammered.  I was so drunk I actually woke up at my desk at five in the morning having no memory of how I got here, when, or why our cleaning lady Esperanza now calls me "El Matador."  But that's neither here nor there.  The important part of the story took place while we were still at the bar, when for some reason I felt compelled to take off my pants.

Hott Lixx: My Bum Hip

pizza_faceI got a bum hip. It all started back in 1983. I gotta admit it - although nowadays I'm wowin' em, in those days, I was a bit awkward around the ladies. The really hard part about dating (or, as I like to call it, "eat 'n fuck") in the early '80s in the greater Denver metro area was the selection. Jeez, back then, height of Pat Benatar's heyday, the girls were so hot they could melt a Formica countertop just by licking their finger and letting it hover a couple of millimeters off the surface. Spandex, Lycra, Polyester, Bangles, Baubles, Beads, and Bodacious Booties and Boobies. Those were the days. As luck would have it, though, my adolescence was heralded not by gilded trumpets and wingéd angelic cherubs but by the curse of pizzaface-ism. Blogs are about honesty, right? Well, I'm pouring it all out right here and now. Although you all know me as the strikingly handsome, thick-maned Lucretio of lead guitar in the Ranch, what you may not know is that I was indeed an ugly duckling in my earlier days.

Hott Lixx: Handsome and Singular

baldingAfter Amy left me, I gotta say, I didn't really feel like getting "out there." I thought, c'mon, it's time for some "you time." I put my memories in little boxes, alphabetized them, and stored them in a safe deposit box in the "Amy" section of the back of my mind.

Politicos We’re Gay For

rnc_balloons.jpgEven though the RNC was mostly about spewing out snide digs at Obama and revisions of history, even though it was really, really scary for a multitude of reasons, even though we've never craved Labatt Blue as much as we do now, we here at Steve's Word didn't think last week watching the RNC was a total loss.  No, in fact, we fell in love.  Call it the cloud's silver lining, call it looking on the bright side, call it being bible thumped stupid, we just couldn't help ourselves.  Amidst the falling balloons and dulcet tones of Big and Rich, some people just wouldn't take lies for an answer, and we opened our hearts to that select few.  Here we present to you the Politicos We're Gay For.

Hott Lixx: My New Guitar Pedal

dream followerSo the other day I got paid. Following my dreams with the 'Ranch, you know, pays the utility bill (fucking right!), but sometimes when you follow your dream, you have to follow it by holding on to the back of a garbage truck and sometimes stopping in front of some people's houses and throwing their trashbags in said truck before hopping back on to follow that dream again. And when you follow your dream on the back of a garbage truck, you call it a "day job." Job? More like a "day throb" to me. Because that's what my heart does when I think of my job with the 'Ranch - lead guitarist - it throbs.

Hott Lixx : The Chronicles of Jojo Timmins

hvmr2Introduction to "Hott Lixx", a blog by Marcus "Jojo" Timmins, lead guitarist of the Denver Metro Area metal band Hidden Valley Man Ranch.

Blasting out of the Denver metro area's guts like vomit from a bum, Hidden Valley Man Ranch singlehandedly revolutionized the Colorado Sex-Rock landscape from 1982 to 1985. Releasing two, count 'em two, self-produced, self-printed, and self-distributed LPs, "All Cumshot No Foreplay" in 1983 and 1985's swan song "Early Bird Special," the Man Ranch pierced every convention in the books, shattering Denver music sales records like an old lady's hip after a hard night of bingo 'n drugs. Touring every city in west-central Colorado, from Arvada all the way to Broomfield, playing every bar, from the Gapin' Crevasse on E. Colfax to Tod's Joint on Harvest Avenue West, Hidden Valley Man Ranch was a white-hot phenomenon of the highest regard. Memorable hits like "Stuck in the Middle (of a Broken Heart)", "Extra Hott", and "Early Bird Special" helped HVMR lovingly cling to the brains (and genitalia) of central Coloradoans like a facehugger from Aliens, propelling bandmembers to superstar status within Denver's "Rock Triangle," the hallowed land between Edgewater, Wheat Ridge, and sexy, sleazy Mountain View.

But these things never last.

Steve’s Word Opens New Haberdashery

looking_duneIt's finally here. The Steve's Word Store. Now all of your friends can ask you, "what the hell is Steve's Word?" as you proudly display our logo on your t-shirts, grocery bags, hat, and coffee mug. We'll also have special seasonal items, such as our Barrack and Michelle "Pounds for Peace" t-shirt which you'll see below.

In order to help promote our little venture we headed to the beach and did a little fashion shoot. Check out all our hot, sexy & silly pix taken by photographer Jessica Sain.

http://www.cafepress.com/steveswordstore

(please excuse the bizarre formatting. we are limited by our intelligence.)

People I Should Apologize to for Being so High

jeff_high(Editor's Note: This piece has been edited down from a longer version. The original piece was over twelve pages long. The following contains the most coherent excerpts.)

Well, here I am again. It's three am on a weeknight and I am starring at my computer screen trying not to keep it together enough to type this piece. It's pretty difficult because I've gotten astronomically high... off of MARIJUANA for those of you who need it spelled out for you. I went to a friend's party and inhaled marijuana smoke from a water pipe until I couldn't even finish a complete sentence. Now I'm trying desperately to reverse gears and get back to the land of the normal person. I think anyone who's been too stoned to think can understand where I'm coming from.

Gals I’m Straight For

tina_fey.jpgEditor's note: As a response to Tuesday's column, we tapped Matt's next door neighbor brilliant playwright Matthew Lopez to give you a different perspective. You see, every coin has two sides and while we were all struggling with the notion of getting nice with another dude, well, Matthew had quite a different struggle. As a proud gay man, he had to consider which ladies out there would turn him away from the world of toned biceps and broad shoulders and consider who he might go straight for...

 

Guys We’re Gay For

ryangosling.jpgYes, it's true. No one can be hetero all the time, not even the manly men of Steve's Word. After Tim wandered in one day in such a daze he was walking into walls and talking about going down on someone, we knew something was up. It turned out that he had done a doubleheader of Lars and the Real Girl and Fracture and was never gonna be the same. That day we learned who Tim would go gay for, and everyone realized that we each had a lot of thinking to do. Who would we each go gay for, and why? Here's what we came up with.

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