I'm not a shy man. I'm balls-to-the-wall, full-throttle, piss-n-vinegar, no-holds-barred, ass-kickin-and-crack-lickin disaster-in-a-can. And I like to party. So you could say it's been a helluva decade for me and my little downstairs partner. Yep, little Jojo, nestled away in my cut-off Rustler jeans, has had a real rollercoaster ride over the past ten years, and I've got the scars both literal and figurative to prove it. I'm no spring chicken, and I've had my brushes with urethral pains in the old days, but I've gotta say, the diseases are getting more and more inconvenient by the day. But, as always, I soldier on, with one hand on my crotch and the other holding a jar of dick pills from Dr. Shit-for-Brains. In many ways, my list of top ten diseases I got this decade is both a badge of honor and a warning sign for the young ones. Remember, kids, it's fun to take a roll in the hay with a lady of the night, whom you met at Chicken Foot Pat's on Maple Drive, but odds are she's got somethin' lurking beneath those plus-size spandex tights that's gonna come back to haunt you. But don't let that stop you. Humpin's as natural as shedding a tear after ripping a kick-ass guitar tap solo.
10.) Gulf War Syndrome
People always ask me: Jojo, I hear you caught Gulf War Syndrome around 2000. How in the hell'd that happen, seeing as how you spent the entirety of the Gulf War mopping floors in Arvada? I say, hell, I dunno.
But it's true. Not long after Y2K, I started coughing, started feeling rough. While I was never diagnosed with having GWS as such, I had my suspicions. Luckily, after a hot night in a warm La Quinta bed with a painted lady called Fresca, I was cured. Which leads me to the next disease, my contraction of which cured Gulf War Syndrome as well as my lingering '90s candida infection.
No, I know what you're thinking and I did not contract Ebola by fucking a monkey. As stated, I caught it from Fresca, the Colfax comfort woman whose ample frame nearly shattered my pelvis -- and actually did shatter a La Quinta bed frame. Those were some heady days. Ebola wasn't that bad. It hurt something fierce, and I could've done without the constant diarrhea, but you get through these things.
I caught this one at a Chinese restaurant in Bloomfield. Sons of bitches didn't even give me an apology! They just said, no, Mr. Timmins, you did not catch Severe Acute Respiratory Syndrome from the Lemon Chicken. It's all in your mind. Well I showed them. Now I take my business elsewhere. To Panda Express over there by Marshall Place West.
7.) Avian Flu
I caught this one at Panda Express. I'd rather not discuss it.
6.) Mad Cow Disease
This one was a real pain in the ass. I finally broke down and went to the hospital after spending most of a weekend writhing in agony on the floor of my kitchen, head wedged between my refrigerator and the wall, babbling incoherently and pissing myself over and over. My roommates just thought I was having an acid flashback, but it turns out I'd improperly cooked my signature dish: budget chuck ground beef and pickles.
You might be thinking: how can a sexually learned man like Jojo Timmins have never gotten crabs before, especially in the heavily-pubed 1970s? Chalk it up to good luck and a stringent body-waxing regimen. But using the ol' weiner's kinda like playing Russian roulette: eventually that bullet's gonna get 'ya, in this case meaning sexually transmitted lice will take up residence in your crotch. I did manage to get rid of them after some concerted effort - slathering my three-part harmony with Sterno and letting it rip - but hot damn if the cure didn't hurt more than the disease itself.
4.) Foot-and-Mouth Disease
Now, I don't have a clue how I got this one, but I suspect it was transmitted to me by my pet hedgehog.
3.) The Clap
Again, this decade was one of firsts in the VD front. I got The Clap around 2002. But here's the thing: although 2002 was when I actually got diagnosed, I've got a sneaking suspicion that I'd actually contracted this mildly annoying disease in 1972 at a tractor pull outside of Niwot. I guess I'd just learned to live with it! At any rate, after getting the shot, truth be told, I kind of missed my old friend and promptly called my favorite girl Caramel to give me a re-up.
2.) Swine Flu
This is a new one, so I'm still trying to figure out how I got it. I'm pretty sure I contracted Swine Flu when I was making out with this girl I'd met on eBeaver.com on the Denver Light Rail.
1.) Penile Lockjaw
Doctors claim this one doesn't exist and that I invented it, but it is real and it is painful. Long story short, one sexy, sleazy night on East Colfax I'd gotten good and buttered on my favorite drink, Jager and tomato juice, and I was looking to get tender with an affordably priced yet amorously advanced Colorado female. I found her in the pear-shaped shape of Mandy, a resident of Pueblo just passing through town on her way to the prostitute mecca of Fort Collins. Over several cups of J-and-T's, we bonded, we set a price, and we made our exeunt to seal the deal -- in this case in the parking lot behind the Bluebird Theatre. Before I get too far with this one, I've got to backtrack. Earlier that night, after watching Pat and Vanna, I found myself engorged and I didn't know why. At first I thought it was the combination of Vanna-watching and the delectable Skor bar I'd just consumed creating a chemical reaction in my gullet and sending Jojo Jr. off to war with the inside of my zipper, but after the third hour I thought it must be something else.
Anyway, I'd been afflicted with Penile Lockjaw (P.L.), a stiffness of the penile area which lasts for upwards of 3 days at a time, which put a serious dent in my social life, though it did make me extremely popular with Denver's night-lady demographic.
While this debilitating disease is not yet recognized by the American medical community, I'm still lobbying hard (literally, in some cases) to get 'em to. I've have some success in Peru, where the disease is referred to in medical journals as Platano Doloroso En Los Rustlers (P.D.L.R).