Tips for the (Fellow) Unemployed #5

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robot-trainerEditor’s Note: Welcome to Steve’s Word newest weekly series “Tips for the (Fellow) Unemployed”. Please embrace our newbie contributor Paul Elicker to the site. He has his own site with hilarious writings and even funnier drawings. We asked him if we could rip off some of his material and he graciously accepted our overture. You can find this piece and much more on Paul Elicker’s blog

You wake up screaming, then sigh, “Phew, it was only a dream!” NO! These are my tips for wading through the unemployment that is definitely real!

So say you get that call for that holy interview and even after your best efforts to dress nice you still look like a fat owl when you walk in the door, the interviewer won’t even want to look you in your big fat eyes. Thanks to our last tip you’ve hopefully stopped eating toxic amounts of Tostitos by now, but that’s only half way there.

Tip #5: Exercise!

Without a job you’ve got enough free time to exercise four, five, even six hours a day. You could be the most fit person you know, but if you want the best results, you can’t do it alone -

Use certified personal trainers

If you really want to get fit, and I mean cut, then you’ll need to hire a personal trainer. They’ll be able to guide you through the proper ways to run and jump and lift heavy things.

“But what about the cost?”

Well, it’s true, personal trainers can get expensive. And because you have no money, you’ll probably be tempted to try the cheaper option: robot personal trainers. But watch out, robot personal trainers may be cheaper but they often lack the proper credentials and training necessary to get you in shape quickly and safely.

If you do still want to get a personal training robot, make sure you get a brand name one because if you go for a knockoff model, you might wind up paying for your cheapness. Because its cheaper to simply install the memories of recently deceased athletes to robots hard drives than program a solid personal training AI, many cheap personal training robots get overly zealous in their attempts to put you in peak physical condition. After you’ve broken your arm the third time trying to wrestle your way out of your robot personal trainer’s “Steel Abs Grip”, you’ll probably be ready to quit. But the robot won’t let you.

Regardless, when you do go into that interview looking like a Lego man you’re so hard-edged and sexy, and you get that wink from the interviewer, the blood, sweat and tears will be worth it.

Keep your shoes laced up, and catch more unemployment tips on their way soon!

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