Tips for the (Fellow) Unemployed #4

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Editor’s Note: Welcome to Steve’s Word newest weekly series “Tips for the (Fellow) Unemployed”. Please embrace our newbie contributor Paul Elicker to the site. He has his own site with hilarious writings and even funnier drawings. We asked him if we could rip off some of his material and he graciously accepted our overture. You can find this piece and much more on Paul Elicker’s blog

LET ME OFF LET ME OFF LET ME OFF!! These are my tips for getting through the faulty roller coaster ride of unemployment!

So you were all set in mind and body – positive, attractive – and then you got shot down because you couldn’t find any jobs to apply to. And maybe you got a rejection email without even getting an interview. And also maybe you’re broke. But that’s OK – you’ve only wasted two-thirds of a day you’ll never get back, no big deal.

Unemployment isn’t all just about getting in the “find-a-job” groove – it is also a way of living. And because it’s a lifestyle, you’ve got to learn to eat, breathe and drink unemployment.

Tip #4 Eat Well

Since you spend all your day sitting on your behind while being rejected from society, your posterior will probably get fat before you know it. Furthermore, with all the emotional weight you’ll be gaining, you’ll want to talk to anyone or anyTHING that will listen. And because you’re all alone at 3:45 in the afternoon, all you have to turn to is food…

Don’t eat just for comfort or boredom

Odds are you can’t afford anything healthy to eat, so you’ll need to try your hardest not to eat so much of the packaged goods that barely fill your pantry.

The voices coming from the Triscuits or Pop Tarts will try their hardest to weaken your spirit. They’ll beckon you near with promises of comfort and pleasure. But heed not the words of the sweet treats! For as soon as you’ve opened their vessel you will let forth a torrent of evil unto your home and you will be powerless to repel the vile victuals’ fats and carbohydrates.

You’re often going to be alone and depressed – but if you just remember to buy carrot sticks to gouge yourself on instead of something fatty, you’ll not gain that unemployment weight!

Keep your mits handy, there’s more oven-fresh unemployment tips on the way!

1 Comment

  • 1

    1.) Wake up, put on pants : Check
    2.) Go to work: Check
    3.) Lunch and stuff : Check
    4.) Go to : Check
    5.) LAUGH MY ASS OFF : Supercheck!

    You've done it again, PE, you've tickled my ribs like a xylophone player.

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