Thank You for Not Shaving

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not_shavingPorn stars have been doing it forever. So have strippers. It's a requirement for the faux-amateur sluts on the internet. But, now that pop starlets and movie ingénues have taken to giving their nether regions the old Yul Brenner treatment, I can stay silent no more. Someone must stand up and speak in the name of pubic hair and it seems that person must be me. I take my mantle with pride as I charge, ahem, into the breach. Okay, okay, I know just how aggravating it is to get one of those little guys caught in your throat. That whole routine is complicated enough without having to deal with hair running into your mouth as she squirts, I get it. But, do you really like being face to face with a host of shave bumps or several inches of razor burn? Waxing irritates the skin just as much, if not more, than shaving does, so there’s no alternative there. Plus, it can’t stay smooth forever and there will always be that prickly phase which can be a disaster on your tongue and John Thomas. Let’s look at the facts. Pubic hair serves a basic necessity in the act of intercourse, it acts as a dry lubricant. With it, you can more easily glide up in that thing and keep the motion of your ocean as regular as the trade routes. The last thing anyone needs is chafing in that particular location, it ruins your time tested rhythm and makes the next morning even more awkward. Now, I’m not advocating the full-fledged forest that you can see across the room or the bikini bottom made of hair, but there’s got to be something there. The problem is simple: Most men, myself included, watch too much porn. Our idea of sex as something shorn, tan, well lit, and full of wild excitement is a corruption. Real sex is hairy, smelly, embarrassing, full of pimples and rug burns, and self doubt and fear and I love it. Moreover, sure, anyone would nail a porn star if given the opportunity, but do you really want to hook up with a girl who’s totally shaven? All that says is one thing: she knows she’s gonna be getting banged an awful lot. I have nothing against the psycho-slut, but in this day and age, it’s a bit of a risky proposition to sleep with someone who has more sex than the average slut. It’s just for protection. What kind of guy wants his chick’s lady parts resembling the top of Gandhi’s head? Well, it’s the kind of guy I particularly detest because he refuses to follow the basic rules of time. The truth is that you can’t undo the fact that you didn’t get laid enough in high school or that the good old days are gone. The thing is, that fact will never change, no matter how many girls you sleep with who have bald eagles. I hate the kind of guy who can delude himself back to his parents’ basement while actually in a shitty one bedroom in Murray Hill just by looking down at a barren wasteland. Get over it. Some might say that this trend shows that all men deep down are pedophiles. But, that’s a little sinister and my general rule of thumb is to lean to the side of stupidity more than anything else. Grown-up vaginas have hair. Fucking deal with it. Women should also not be asked to live up to the standards of the porn community. So to the women out there with no self-esteem and unsightly razor burn, I say, “no thanks.” I’d rather not be reminded of my little niece in the bathtub when I’m about to get all up in it. And to all the ladies who do keep it real, real hairy that is, I say, “thank you.” Thank you for not shaving. Thank you for letting me be a man. [tags]shaving, pubic-hair, she squirts, bikini[/tags]

11 Comments

  • 1

    Preach on, brother! It's about grooming not slashing-and-burning, ladies.

  • 2

    Spot on, Toder. Your words will serve women well. Take note, all you stubblies out there.

  • 3

    WOW...I must say that I COMPLETELY AND TOTALLY disagree with you. Although your article raises some valid questions and issues (razor burn, stubbly, etc) I cannot get past the mere "safety" issue. You briefly made reference to the "hair in the throat" inconvenience. I'm here to tell you that the hair in the throat deserves it's own chapter in the New England Journal of medicine. After all, what could possibly be worse than puking your guts out in front of your partner as you desperately try to gasp for your final breath of life? For me, I'll take the reminder of the niece in the bathtub if it prevents my tombstone from reading: "Here lies Chris, beloved brother, son and friend...Died from pubic-esphixiation." Enough Said. On a side note, this was by far the funniest thing I've ever read in my life...I only wish I could have talked to Scooby prior to reading. :)

  • 4

    FINALLY! I'm soooo sick of these so-called-men who can't handle a real woman.
    From the female perspective, sex w/o pubic hair hurts like a MoFo. Having one's stuble pushed into the skin, against the grain, is about as sexy as humping sandpaper.
    Women that shave their pubic hair w/ glee must not like the actual act of intercourse that much [either that, or not have one drop of self-respect].

    Also, who are these people that run around waxing their pubes off? It's completely insane. Why in the world would anyone want to do that to themselves?

    @ Chris... are you retarded? use your fingers to push aside the hair or something. *somehow* we chicks manage to not gag on y'alls pubes when we are giving a BJ. If it's too difficult to handle eating out a woman w/ pubes, you really don't deserve to be mating.

  • 5

    Fucking hilarious and on the ball Toder. There's also a lot of documented evidence to the fact that female pubic hair is an aphrodisiac... Nature makes nothing by mistake.

    Oh! And I must speak to the wonders of ripe banana for getting that pesky curl out of the back of your throat... Works like a charm and helps to avoid muscle cramps! Yeah, I realize this means you're gonna eat a pube, but if you don't mind licking where others pee from, you probably won't give this a 2nd thought...

  • 6

    I have had my share of hairless kitties. As I grow older (late 20's) I must admit... he's right ladies. STOP SHAVING! Be proud of your woman hood! It's very sexy to see it natural. I'm very serious. And if the man your with doesn't respect that then dump him! There's something wrong with him and there's plenty other men out there who will respect the natural looking kitty. Besides, it also acts as a flavor savour for true perverts like myself.

    And another thing...stop it with the hair dying. If your not gray then leave it alone. Thank you.

  • 7

    Shit's nasty. Any woman who doesn't shave her privvies is doomed to get kicked out of 95% of beds. Same goes for men. This is the year 2008, folks. It's time to take control of your bodies and be clean. If you feel any differently, well... you're just plain nasty.

  • 8

    Thank you for letting us girls know that just trimming is perfectly acceptable. It's nice to know there's still plenty of guys out there that don't want the porn-star/prepubescent look. This really boosted my self-esteem, since the last guy I was with(not for very long though) insisted that I shave it all off. You know how I responded? I'll shave if you shave. Seems simple, right? But no, he went double-standard on me and refused to compromise. So I kicked him to the curb. Thank goodness there are men out there who respect women in their natural form. I was beginning to lose hope.

  • 9

    I've been using PrivaShave post shave treatment (http://www.privashave.com/) for those areas and it does wonders for me. I think its a matter of personal taste (pun intended)

  • 10

    That's funny that someone would think that girls who shave have no self-esteem and don't like sex. I don't like how hair looks down there and it doesn't hurt when I have sex. Also, this assumption that women who shave are sluts is ridiculous. I've only been with one guy. Ever. And I'm 25. Been shaving since I was 10. because i HATE how it looks! ew.

  • 11

    Bravo.. natural women are far more sexy. And, unless a woman shaves every day or nearly every day, the stubble during normal usage can rub a real man raw.. absolutely ridiculous. If I wanted to rub myself against some stubble, I would be with men. How did this foolishness ever happen?!@?

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