Porn stars have been doing it forever. So have strippers. It's a requirement for the faux-amateur sluts on the internet. But, now that pop starlets and movie ingénues have taken to giving their nether regions the old Yul Brenner treatment, I can stay silent no more. Someone must stand up and speak in the name of pubic hair and it seems that person must be me. I take my mantle with pride as I charge, ahem, into the breach. Okay, okay, I know just how aggravating it is to get one of those little guys caught in your throat. That whole routine is complicated enough without having to deal with hair running into your mouth as she squirts, I get it. But, do you really like being face to face with a host of shave bumps or several inches of razor burn? Waxing irritates the skin just as much, if not more, than shaving does, so there’s no alternative there. Plus, it can’t stay smooth forever and there will always be that prickly phase which can be a disaster on your tongue and John Thomas. Let’s look at the facts. Pubic hair serves a basic necessity in the act of intercourse, it acts as a dry lubricant. With it, you can more easily glide up in that thing and keep the motion of your ocean as regular as the trade routes. The last thing anyone needs is chafing in that particular location, it ruins your time tested rhythm and makes the next morning even more awkward. Now, I’m not advocating the full-fledged forest that you can see across the room or the bikini bottom made of hair, but there’s got to be something there. The problem is simple: Most men, myself included, watch too much porn. Our idea of sex as something shorn, tan, well lit, and full of wild excitement is a corruption. Real sex is hairy, smelly, embarrassing, full of pimples and rug burns, and self doubt and fear and I love it. Moreover, sure, anyone would nail a porn star if given the opportunity, but do you really want to hook up with a girl who’s totally shaven? All that says is one thing: she knows she’s gonna be getting banged an awful lot. I have nothing against the psycho-slut, but in this day and age, it’s a bit of a risky proposition to sleep with someone who has more sex than the average slut. It’s just for protection. What kind of guy wants his chick’s lady parts resembling the top of Gandhi’s head? Well, it’s the kind of guy I particularly detest because he refuses to follow the basic rules of time. The truth is that you can’t undo the fact that you didn’t get laid enough in high school or that the good old days are gone. The thing is, that fact will never change, no matter how many girls you sleep with who have bald eagles. I hate the kind of guy who can delude himself back to his parents’ basement while actually in a shitty one bedroom in Murray Hill just by looking down at a barren wasteland. Get over it. Some might say that this trend shows that all men deep down are pedophiles. But, that’s a little sinister and my general rule of thumb is to lean to the side of stupidity more than anything else. Grown-up vaginas have hair. Fucking deal with it. Women should also not be asked to live up to the standards of the porn community. So to the women out there with no self-esteem and unsightly razor burn, I say, “no thanks.” I’d rather not be reminded of my little niece in the bathtub when I’m about to get all up in it. And to all the ladies who do keep it real, real hairy that is, I say, “thank you.” Thank you for not shaving. Thank you for letting me be a man. [tags]shaving, pubic-hair, she squirts, bikini[/tags]
Come on, Eldrick.