Spellman Spouts: Steroids

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needlesA friend of mine who nearly never ever writes for this website went to Major League Baseball's Home Run Derby and he had only this to say about the competition: Bring Back Steroids. If you watched the Derby on television I think you'll agree. It was about 7 to 8 hours long and there was only a soupcon of homeruns hit. Regardless, this got me thinking about two things. 1.) Baseball All-Star Weekend needs a skills competition. Might I suggest a game of Run the Bases? Or how about some sort of throwing accuracy game? Better yet, they should put 50 guys in the outfield at once and see who can shags the most fly balls. 2.) I turn 29 on Saturday and before I reach 30 I'd like to achieve my ultimate physical potential. What I'm getting at is, I want to do steroids for 6 months to a year.

C'mon, people, don't tell me you've never thought about it. Movie stars do it all the time and they get to see what it's like to live life as the most buff, fit version of themselves. Did you see Adam Sandler in "Don't Mess with the Zohan"? If you suffered through that shit film like I did, then you saw a ripped Adam Sandler. There's no way he got to that state without the use of Performance Enhancing Drugs. Have you seen him in any other movie, episode of SNL, or a god damn TV interview looking anywhere near that ripped? I think not. So, what I'm saying is, what's the problem with me wanting to get cut for a year? There's no side effects if you just do it for a short period of time, right? What? Do you think I'm going to flip out on my girlfriend and hit her like Ben Affleck in that After School Special? First of all, my girlfriend can kick my ass and I find that highly erotic. Second of all, now I can finally hit her back. What are the other side effects? Zits? I've already got that taken care of. Shrinking testicles? Check. Loss of hair? Check. I might as well already be on steroids. I guess the real question then is, why is it so important for me to get buff since I'm not training for any sport, starring in a movie, or posing in a JC Penny underwear ad in the Sunday circular? I know everyone is thinking I'm motivated by social conditioning. That I've been brainwashed by mass media's artificial and impossibly high standards of beauty. And it's true; I've seen too many movies, watched too much porn, viewed too much professional sports, read too many comic books, and most recently have definitely been watching too much "So You Think You Can Dance?". All of these images that I've absorbed over the years reinforce the notion that I'm not a real man, never will be a real man, unless I have a cut frame. So what. I'm not talking about getting gigantic. I just want to put on 10 to 15 pounds of muscle and make girls swoon and the fellas at Rehoboth Beach hit on me more than they already do. Maybe it's because I'm quasi-unemployed and living in my brother's attic that I've got all this time to think about unimportant shit like how my body looks, yet it's more than looks. I want to be able to run faster, move furniture with ease, get in a car accident and come away uninjured, and put myself in formerly uncomfortable sexual positions. Moreover, I hate going to the gym. I despise the repetitive nature of the whole endeavor, the anaseptic smells, and the gym rat culture. All of this social conditioning for vanity's sake may be true, but I also think every person should have the opportunity to see themselves at their best. I suppose I could actually work my ass off for the hot beach bod I'm looking for, but who wants to spend years in the gym? Not me. Just let me get ripped, buy a banana hammock bathing suit and take some pictures and video of myself so one day I'll be able to show my grand kids my hot bod. Wait, is it weird to show young children, especially those related to me, my hot bod? Oh well. Who's gonna argue with me when I am all cut? Tim Spellman is the Editor-in-Chief of Steve's Word and he has issues. Let Tim know how much of a jerk you think he is by commenting on this piece or by sending him a vitriolic email directly at tim@stevesword.com

8 Comments

  • 1

    Tim,

    As a friend, I tentatively support your endeavors.

    But I worry after a few days of juicing you'll find that Pennsylvania isn't "extreme" enough for you anymore, and you'll buy a second-hand Miata and head for Guido Beach, where the next thing you know you're getting in fights with your ex-girlfriend's new boyfriend's ex-girlfriend's cousin, Joey Cippucokko, over which energy drink gives you the ability to "slap sweaties all night long with bitches," and whether Bon Jovi or The Boss better typifies the New Jersey spirit and zeitgeist.

  • 2

    it doesnt matter how many steroids you use, you will never be kupono.

  • 3

    [...] kick my ass and I find that highly erotic. Second of all, now I can finally hit her back. … http://stevesword.com/spellman-spouts-steroids/ Daily [...]

  • 4

    [...] Spellman Spouts: Steroids » [...]

  • 5

    What the hell are these pingbacks?! Ben Affleck, highly erotic, alpha male challenge?

  • 6

    I think they're created by robots. There is no other rational reason for these bizarro pinbacks.

  • 7

    Perceptive Gent, you're next on our highly erotic, Ben Affleck, alpha male challenge list. After that it's Tim, Matt, and Buenos. You're all about to get ripped as hell and there's nothing you can do to stop it from happening! See you online!

    Signed,
    A "robot"

  • 8

    Mission Accomplished!

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