Spellman Spouts: Club Cards

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club cardMembership, club, or discount cards for your grocery store or drug store are nothing new. They've been around for awhile. What is new, at least to me, is how you are regarded as some sort of jerk or societal outcast if you don't have one. This happened to me yesterday again and I've just about had it.

To bring you up to speed, I'm living in Erdenheim, PA this Summer. I've been here about a month and I'm still trying to get my bearings. One thing I'm still trying to get a handle on is driving to the grocery store and getting more groceries than you can carry home. This is a foreign activity for me. After six years in New York I finally got used to idea that, when shopping at the grocery store (or anywhere for that matter) you can only purchase what you're willing to carry home. Now that I'm back in the suburbs I have to come to the terms with the fact that now I have the ability to fit an adult human corpse in my shopping cart if I so chose. Well, the way I was treated at the check out counter for not producing a Genuardi's Club Card at my local supermarket, Genuardi's, I might as well have had a corpse in my shopping cart.

I knew my lack of a club card was going to be a problem as I was doing my shopping. Absolutely every single item in the store had two prices; the original cost and the "club cost".  The exchange at check out went a little something like this:

"Hello," said Tim.

"Hello," said Slavic forty something woman with a mom haircut and large glasses.

Svetlana finished scanning Tim's items then queried, "do you have a club card?"

"No, I don't," Tim replied.

"Does anybody in your family?"

"Why is this woman asking about my family," Tim thinks to himself as his face starts to flush with blood. Fight or flight comes on quickly.

"I suppose it is possible," Tim finally answers.

"OK, give me their telephone numbers."

"What?!?! First of all, who remembers telephone numbers any more these days? Second of all, this KGB interrogation has gone on far too long, Svetlana. I will pay for my goods at full price and bid you good day," is what Tim should've said.

"That's quite alright. Don't worry about it," is what the coward, er, Tim actually said.

Svetlana gave Tim a quizzical and disapproving look and rung him up. The housewife behind Tim buying 10 pounds of spare ribs was mightily chagrined. Tim was embarrassed and ran out of the store forgetting to stop and get himself a Little Homie.

Was I out of line here? I'm I making too much of a fuss about this? Should I just get the card? I already have a CVS and Duane Reade card. Christ I get so much shit for carrying around an actual wallet already (fodder for another Spouts column I'm sure), I don't need to fill it with more stuff. Why can't things simply cost what they cost? Why is there this different price for those "in da club"? I know why. It's so you join the club and they can keep better tabs on your purchasing habits. Why are we so willing to sacrifice information about our lives in order to save a little dough? Is there some sort of formula where at a certain point saving money becomes more important than privacy? Yes, there is and it's saving 15 cents on a $4.79 packet ofstrawberries. Sign me up.

Tim Spellman is the Editor-in-Chief of Steve's Word and he has issues. Let Tim know how much of a jerk you think he is by commenting on this piece or by sending him a vitriolic email directly at tim@stevesword.com


  • 1

    Holy mackerel! At first glance, I thought this column was called "Spellman Sprouts" and was going to consist of lewd photos of your pelvic region. Thank G-D I was wrong!

    And, even though you're only there for the summer, shame on you for shopping sans Genuardi’s Club Card. Money waster. You should know better. That woman with her spare ribs knew it, Svetlana knew it, YOU knew it. So just testicle up and get a Genuardi's Club Card already, Spouty Spellz!


  • 2

    the tricky part is getting the adult human corpse from the car into your house. those things are just so darn heavy.

  • 3

    svetlana sound sexxxi

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