Monday Hangover Questionnaire

Article Tools

one_footOur hope is that one day this questionnaire will be as famous as the bullshit questionnaire that James Lipton asks at the end of 'Inside the Actors' Studio'.

- What about the previous work week were you most looking forward to getting away from?

The soul-shattering isolation and loneliness.

- What were you most looking forward to this weekend?

Not editing a movie trailer.

- What was the biggest disappointment of the weekend?

Still no word back from either of Colorado's new Senators, who I wrote a few weeks ago regarding the bailout package.  Ken Salazar might have been a conciliatory goofus, but at least he would write back.

- When was your first orgasm? Self-Inflicted or otherwise induced?  How is your sex life anyway?

January 2, 1993 approximately 12:30am.  It was totally self-inflicted as I didn't have much "game" as a 12 year old.  Currently I've been back to the self-infliction route since my girl is in San Diego for the past week. :(

- Review a TV Episode, Movie, Book, Article, Restaurant (or Meal), or Sporting event in one sentence?

Since Movie, Book, and TV Episode are all acceptable, I'll assume that albums are also okay.  Sometimes I wish Beck's career had followed the footsteps of One Foot In the Grave a little more than Mellow Gold because Grave is an amazing album and I think the next albums would have been even better than what they were.  Can I get a, "hell yes!?"

- Did you leave your town?

Be more precise!!  Which town is "your town?"  My home town?  The town that I purchased with my parent's credit card number off of eBay?  The town they named after me out of gratitude?  If I assume that you mean my home town, then the answer is, "yes."  That's all you get though.  You ought to know better than asking a closed yes or no question.

- What project didn't you get to this weekend that you've been meaning to do forever?

I confess that I'm writing the answers to this survey prior to the actual weekend (the scandal!) and as such I refuse to answer this question because if I do, than I think the chances of not doing it will go up significantly.  It doesn't matter if I even answer something insane like "I didn't get a chance to add another story onto the rental apartment I live in," or, "I didn't get a around to starting that organic dairy that I've been thinking about starting," I could get anything done until I don't actually do it.  There!  I said it.

- What's the funniest thing you heard or saw this week?

I agree with Sinan on this question.

I'd say that our society is in constant demand of the superlative to our own detriment.  When you force the numerical order of first, second, third onto everything it automatically implies that we can, we should, we MUST discard everything but number one.  Such a system makes sense if you're talking about deciding on certain future actions (Q:What's the second or third fastest way to get to your friend's house? A:Who cares, you'll never use the second or third fastest way.), but doesn't make sense when applied to choosing who you're "best" friend is (Q:Who's your second or third-best friend? A:Fuck those guys, cause I'll only hang out with my number one "best" friend.) or your favorite food, movie, book or the funniest thing you heard or saw this week.  And yet we do these things anyway.

For example, the last time you flew anywhere you probably went online and chose the cheapest ticket you could find regardless of which carrier you bought from and then when you got on the plane you wondered why you don't get an in-flight meal anymore or why you're sitting on the runway so long after you land.  These are the drawbacks of looking at the world in such a linear way.  Instead of realizing that XYZ carrier's price of $15 more than the ABC carrier you ended up buying was in fact justified by the free meal and more open gates at your destination, and that the two carriers were in fact offering different services that shouldn't be organized together into best, second-best, etc. you simply hit "sort by price" and chose the one at the top of the list (or more likely the website assumed this from the beginning).

The real travesty here is that XYZ carrier could advertise that their service is superior to ABC, but they'll never be able to fill seats because people are only buying based on who's at the top of that price list.  So what can XYZ do, but cut their costs by getting rid of the free in-flight meal and closing a few gates at each airport.  Next thing you know DEF airline beats them both by removing all the seats from their airplanes and selling twice the number of "standing room" tickets for half the price of XYZ or ABC.  This also explains why electronics and appliances have optional warranties now too.  I think you get the picture.

- What's the un-funniest thing you witnessed this week?

I would have to say that little tirade I just went on in the last question is the un-funniest thing I've witnessed.

- Did you do anything this weekend you've never done before? If, "yes", summarize in one sentence.

This was too tempting a question to answer fictionally before hand, so I waited until after the weekend was over to answer it and the result.... Well check it out here.  My first animation project.

- What was your biggest time waster this weekend?

The internet.  Always the internet.

- "Just throwing that out there." Go ahead, just throw something out there. Anything. Anything at all.

I'll leave you with one of my favorite verses from One Foot in the Grave just because I really hope you all check it out on Rhapsody or iTunes or whatever.  In fact, I'm pretty sure Buenos has a copy he'd be willing to burn for you since he can't get prosecuted for it (being as he is a cat and not a human).  Email him at and he'll get a copy ready for you.  However, you gotta come to him because he isn't allowed to use the post office any more.

There's a dead hobo on the patio
And an old barbed-wire on the funeral fire.
Well you roll out the carpet and it better be red
And it better be long as the troubles in my head.
Gonna be livin' one foot in the grave.

"One Foot in the Grave"
One Foot in the Grave

1 Comment

  • 1

    Quel excellent questionnaire. I too am a fan of "One Foot in the Grave." 'Tis a masterstroke. Or a masterpiece, if you prefer that masterword.

Web Design by okbreathe • © Copyright 2009 - Steves Word, All Rights Reserved