Monday Hangover Questionnaire

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Tori ScottOur hope is that one day this questionnaire will be as famous as the bullshit questionnaire that James Lipton asks at the end of 'Inside the Actors' Studio'.

What about the previous work week were you most looking forward to getting away from?

Tucking in my shirt.

What were you most looking forward to this weekend?

It's winterish and all, so my weekend demands are pretty simple nowadays. A couple extra hours of sleep, the joy of not-shaving, and maybe a movie or something.

What was the biggest disappointment of the weekend?

The fact that I had a slight hangover on Saturday after a couple of drinks on Friday. Either my liver's giving out already or I've become one hell of a lightweight.

When was your first orgasm this weekend? Self-Inflicted or otherwise induced?  How is your sex life anyway?

I think an answer to this question would require answering the entire questionnaire with a nom de plume, because I'm gonna have to say 'no comment.' Lame, but eh.

Review a TV Episode, Movie, Book, Article, Restaurant (or Meal), or Sporting event in one sentence?

I am not ashamed to say, despite the fact that I'm in New York, that I find Domino's makes a mean thin crust. There, I said it.

Did you leave your town?

Did I ever!

What project didn't you get to this weekend that you've been meaning to do forever?

Getting out of Manhattan, and by extension, New York. My friends will vouch for the fact that I've been saying, "I wanna get out of town this weekend" for a few months now.

What's the funniest thing you heard or saw this week?

Well, for the last few weeks running, the funniest thing I've seen is Old Jews Telling Jokes. It's a real gem.

What's the unfunniest thing you witnesed this week?

TBS ran the infamous Tori episodes on Saved By The Bell three mornings in a row. Not a good way to start a workday.

Did you do anything this weekend you've never done before? If, "yes", summarize in one sentence.

I went to a "club" on the Lower East Side. Now, I've gone to "bars" down there, and even a "lounge" or two, but I've never dared part the velvet curtains of an LES club. I had a relatively good time, all things considered, but by the time they played the second or third Justin Timberlake song and a bro wearing baseball gloves and a cut-off white t-shirt whooped and started DANCING for real, it was time to go.

That was two sentences. Oh well.

What was your biggest time waster this weekend?

Sleep is always a time waster, technically, but other than that I guess it has been running errands. Doing laundry, buying lightbulbs and such. The ruthless monotony of adult chores.

  "Just throwing that out there." Go ahead, just throw something out there. Anything. Anything at all.

These two cowboys are sitting around the campfire, one late night out on the range. One looks at the other and says, "Damn, I gotta take a whiz." The other one nods and says, "Yeah, me too." They both stand up and walk to the edge of the camp, zip down, and start peeing. All of a sudden, a rattlesnake jumps up and bites one of the men right on the pecker. Immediately, he falls to the ground, writhing in agony. "You gotta go find a doctor, Slim!" he screams to the other man.

Slim jumps on his horse and gallops back to the main town, bursting through the doors of the doctor's office. "Doc," he says, "my buddy done got bit on the pecker by a rattler. What can I do 'bout it?" The doctor calmly explains, "Well, you gotta put your mouth on the bite marks and suck out the poison. Simple as that."

Slim gets back to camp, where his buddy is still convulsing on the ground. "What'd he say?" the man pleads.

"He says you're gonna die."




  • 1

    I've got one more question for you, Avery. How'd you get that yellow stripe to appear under your joke? Is that a yellow stripe of laughter? You just showed Command+D what's up with the Old Jews Telling Jokes site. Damn!

  • 2

    I have no clue how that yellow stripe showed up. maybe it's tim's wizardry. either way, I LIKE IT!

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