Monday Hangover Questionnaire

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crank- What about the previous work week were you most looking forward to getting away from?

Just in case some of you don't know, I was recently promoted to the position of day time manager at the Mega Gristedes on E. 86th St. b/w 1st and 2nd Aves. They only have me at 25 hours/week, but whatever. It gives me more time to work on my beats. Y'all, Thursday night was wild. I usually work from 8am-4pm, but Jose, the manager who was supposed to relieve me asked if I could cover for him until 8pm. I was pissed! I had plans to hit up happy hour at Aces and Eights with my homeboy Julius. He and I get nasty on the Beer Pong table on Thursday nights. Bitches swoon when I sink that last cup and Julius and I perform our patented victory dance. It's a cross between the Ickey Shuffle and the Superman . Anyways, I also knew that we had 4 fucking deliveries coming in that evening and a new Stoneyfield Farms Yogurt display to set up at the front of the store. I hate that shit. I usually have to construct these elaborate cardboard displays and they never have any instructions. Like I know how to piece together a three-dimensional cardboard dairy cow. Plz. To make a hella long story madd short. I missed happy hour beer pong (Julius was mad as fuck) and Jose never showed. Apparently his live-in sister-in-law was in some sort of INS raid and he had to help her out. I had to work until Midnight. Even though I made that Stoneyfield Farm display look gangsta and people were buying delicious smoothies and organic yogurt left and right that night, I was still eager for the weekend.

- What were you most looking forward to this weekend?

I was going to watch all three of the Transporter Movies and "Crank "  back-to-back-to-back-to-back in preparation of "Crank: High Voltage " which I had opening night tickets for Friday night.

- What was the biggest disappointment of the weekend?

Falling asleep mid-way through Transporter 3 and missing the god damn movie. I don't have the heart to try and go see "Crank: High Voltage". It must have been a sign and I take that shit srsly.

- When was your first orgasm this weekend? Self-Inflicted or otherwise induced?  How is your sex life anyway?

I guess technically, it was self-inflicted on Friday night, but only because I like to clean the pipes before I head out to the bars. Nah mean? My sex life is stellar, btw. I get mine on a regular basis, you feel me? Like, I get at least one hand job every two months and some over-the-clothes humping action once a month. Don't hate the playa'! Hate the game!

- Review a TV Episode, Movie, Book, Article, Restaurant (or Meal), or Sporting event in one sentence?

I peeped Episode 4 of the soon-to-be cancelled NBC drama "Kings" on my favorite url: . I got my laptop hooked up to my Great Aunt Selbie's TV in the living room via S-Video so we can watch it together. We canceled our cable two months ago and are strictly an internet only household. Great Aunt Selbie, who I live with rent-free, and I watch "Kings" on OUR fucking time, you know what I'm saying? Anyways, the main blonde dude looked like he was on the verge of tears the whole time, the princess remains certifiably boneable, and Ian McShane is still a badass. I will miss you, "Kings". RIP.

- Did you leave your town?

Sometimes I like to hop on the A/C/E and head up to the Cloisters to clear my head. Does that count? That's not really leaving town, but it's a long ass subway ride. I can be real introspective and shit sometimes.

- What project didn't you get to this weekend that you've been meaning to do forever?

Fine, I'll admit it. I wear glasses. Spectacles. Go ahead and laugh. Dorito is a Four-Eyes. Fuck you. Most of the world's most famous and influential people have worn glasses. P-Diddy, Madeleine Albright, Jason Statham. So, F-U. Anyways, my specs broke about a year and a half ago and they're being held together by some Scotch tape. I was going to go to Lens Crafters this weekend to get them fixed, but I just said, "forget it". I think the tape looks pretty gangsta. My Great Aunt, Selbie says they give me character. She's madd cool and I trust her judgment fully.

- What's the funniest thing you heard or saw this week?

Darrell, one of the stock boys at Gristedes said he hooked up with this chick who is a "squirter". Man, I was crying when he told us that story.

- What's the unfunniest thing you witnessed this week?

When I went on the internet and found out what "squirting" actually was. Two words: Granny squirting. That shit ain't right.

- Did you do anything this weekend you've never done before? If, "yes", summarize in one sentence.

Ef you and your one sentence rule. Dorito has the gift of gab and he's going to give it the world. So, Hugh, our deli man at Gristedes, was about to throw away some delish crabmeat that was a few days old. I was like, "H-Dogg, don't throw that shit out. I got a recipe I've been meaning to try that calls for crabmeat." Can you guess the recipe? Probably not. Talkin' bout deviled eggs! Oh snap! Deviled eggs with crabmeat. Delish! Great Aunt Selbie ate like 6 of 'em.

- What was your biggest time waster this weekend?

Probably when I went over to my friend Julius' apartment on Sunday and he was playing Street Fighter 4 on PS3. He wouldn't let me play because he says I can't "control my emotions" when it comes to video games. I had to sit there and watch him try to beat the game as Chun Li for 3 hours. I actually kind of enjoyed it. Watching Julius plays Street Fighter 4 is like watching Baryshnikov dance or LeBron play hoops or witnessing Nadia Comaneci on the uneven bars in 1984. That shit is poetry in motion.

- "Just throwing that out there." Go ahead, just throw something out there. Anything. Anything at all.

What's with people hating on the bus system in New York City or for any metro bus system in general? I meet people (customers at Gristedes) all the time who say, "buses scare me", "I don't even know how to get on one", "can you use your metrocard?" What these snobs don't know is that the bus system is so much more comprehensive than the subway system. Me and Aunt Selbie use the M31 all the time. That dope-ass hydraulic pimp-mobile takes you Uptown, Downtown, and Crosstown. I got madd respect for the M31's versatility...just as long as the old people and wheelchairs are kept to a minimum.

Peace out!

1 Comment

  • 1

    Hey Dorito! Iss Craig from work. You famous! You crazy! Holla atcha boy - I'll be in the deli section all week

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