what were you most looking forward to this weekend?
I was most looking forward to getting drunk and dancing my ass off with all the cute hipstertito and hapa boys at our neighborhood's new retro queer dance night on Friday. But before I got properly drunk and lecherous, I got all chivalrous and decided to walk a really pretty girl home so she wouldn't get raped in a community vegetable garden. Upon returning to the club after my gentlemanly gesture, I was not allowed in, as it was 12:45 a.m. and the dance party was due to end in fifteen minutes (nearby residents had already phoned in noise complaints, and a paddy wagon sat ominously in the parking lot -- no joke). Neither drunk nor danced-out, I glumly noted that what was supposed to be the first great dance night of the summer turned out to be a harsh reminder of how unbelievably fucking lame Boston is. Am I really going to waste another year of my quickly-fading twenties in a city where the club nights end at 1:00 with police attempting to round me up and arrest me for using my outside voice? No. I tried to run past the bouncers, but they grabbed me, and into the paddy wagon I went Ironically, the pretty girl’s would-be rapist was in there too. To my delight, he raped me.
did you do anything this weekend you've never done before? if yes, please summarize.
On Saturday, at my friend’s graduation party, I met his mom, and then called her a bitch really loudly in front of everyone. I was drunk, and trying to make a joke about how she and I were deep sea fishing rivals, but I'm pretty sure my friend didn’t get it, because he asked me to leave.
what story from the current news cycle is bugging you?
So David Carradine died from auto erotic asphyxiation, right? I feel like none of the major news sources have said that, but that's what happened right? Or was he really just such a badass kung fu / peaced out zen master that his prodigious penis warranted its own strangulation -- separate from the hanging that would kill the rest of his body? Oh also, did everyone read the update on the Air France Atlantic Ocean crash this morning? They found one of the pilot’s bodies, and he also had a shoelace around his penis and rope around his neck. All of this exposure for sex-positive kinkiness is really lifting my spirits.
what was the biggest disappointment of the weekend?
I was arrested this weekend for stalking a foreign undergrad. I haven’t given up all hope on going on a date with him, but that was a discouraging setback.
review a movie, tv episode, book, article, restaurant (or meal) or sporting event in one sentence (the one sentence part is pretty loose).
Almodovar’s Pepi, Luci, Bom: girls pissing in each other’s faces and then having randy sex with each other… did Steve’s Word produce this movie? Either way, I masturbated in the movie theater. Two spunk loads up! Also I sprayed my buttery jizz all over my popcorn, and then threw the popcorn on everyone else in the theater during the really funny parts. As usual, however, I am not properly suited to review this movie as I was asked to leave before I could see the ending.
did you leave your town?
I went to a party at my rich and famous boss’s house upstate. Since layoffs are looming, and I don’t know where my job security stands, I probably shouldn’t have molested his underage Laotian nephew in the rose garden. Hopefully today’s arrest will be discreet. I think I’ll turn myself in at lunch break as to avoid another scene in the office.
what's the single most annoying thing you had to deal with this weekend?
I spend all that money, traveling all the way to Roland-Garros, and Roger Federer wouldn’t just take the shawl I bought for him to wear around his head. I tried to get him to try it on, but he totally ignored me like I wasn’t even there and waited for a security guard to body slam me on the clay. On the other hand, it’s a good thing that Rafael Nadal wasn’t in the final match, because if it were him, I would have pulled down his capris for men and started sucking on his balls right there in front of everyone, and then my boss would have surely fired me.
Come on, Eldrick.