Jobs We’re Gay For

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Jobs We’re Gay For

Welcome to another installment in our "gay for" series.  We've covered the men we love (twice) and the response from the other side, as well as giving some love to select politicos who made us swoon during the height of last summer's election insanity.  In this edition, we bring you some professions, real or imagined, that fill our dreams with the wondrous flights of fancy of what our lives might be like had they taken a completely different path.  Please to enjoy the jobs we're gay for.

Tim - Soccer Historian/Sociologist

How rad would my life be if I it consisted of hanging out on the campus of some elite university, studying the developing history of soccer in the United States, teaching undergrads, and having Summers off to go watch football all over the globe? We are in the midst of an accelerated cultural revolution when it comes to the World's game and I've got my finger on the pulse. I'm so horny for this job that I've even read the only book written on the topic, Offside: Soccer and American Exceptionalism, I subscribe to several soccer-related twitter feeds, and I actually enjoy playing the game. This makes me probably the biggest soccer nerd you've ever met. The other weekend, I went to go see Chelsea vs AC Milan in Baltimore. Other than the game, my favorite part of the trip was seeing tons of little boys in Chelsea and AC Milan jerseys. This got me quite fired up and not for the reason you're thinking. With the slow but steady legitimization of MLS, an expanded and more thorough US Soccer development strategy, and European leagues regularly on television, today's youth is into soccer. That's what excites me. The more young people who are genuine fans of the game ensures the growth of the game and quality of play here in the United States. Those cute little buggers in those darling little jerseys were merely signifiers of this.

Caren - Canine Swimming Instructor

I'm a huge animal lover, specifically I love dogs.  They never disappoint, our four-legged friends.  They never drink beer with their idiot friends all night and they never constantly cancel dinner arrangements because of work commitments which we all know are bullshit.  Whatever.  But the truth is: there's no money in owning a dog, and it's pretty stupid to be gay for a job that doesn't pay anything.  At first I thought it might be cool to work in one of those high end spa-type places but they're way too lame for someone like me.  Plus who wants to spend the summer trapped in the city?  I would much rather spend my summer hanging at my friends' place in the Hamptons who have a pool.  Ok.  Now we're onto something. Freelance Canine Swimming Instructor goes something like this: I get hired by someone who has just bought a puppy.  Some puppies aren't don't naturally take to water and that's where I come in.  I show up at my clients' Hamptons pool and teach that little guy to swim.  Dogs have never been able to resist me and now I can make a some cash and expand the world of a wonderful little pup, all the while kicking it poolside.

Jeff - Economic Hit Man

Why wasn't this job listed in my high school career fair?  Maybe it's because you're supposed to go to an Ivy League school and be in Skull and Bones or something.  Basically you get a job as a consultant for a major American engineering firm and your main duty is to convince foreign governments that they should ask the World Bank and the IMF for gigantic loans that those foreign governments will never ever be able to pay back.  Then when they can't pay it back, the World Bank extracts favors in the form of UN votes or crushing worker's unions or accepting unfair trade agreements.  Piece of cake, right?  Basically you just tell some despots in some far-away lands the lies they want to hear so that they will sell out their country to the corporatocracy!  In other words you travel all over the world -- staying in only first class accommodations, mind you -- making stuff up and getting paid amazingly for it.  A few other major perks are knowing and being able to manipulate markets to your own advantage, being above the law all over the world, and of course the bevy of beautiful women perpetually trying to sleep with you in the hopes of gaining access to the valuable information you pretend to have.  Why would I be good for this job?  Well, I did test as a rational field marshal in a recent online personality test.  Otherwise, I'm good enough at math to make stuff up and sound convincing and I've worked in sales before so I'm pretty much almost there.  Now all I need to do is learn two or three more languages and get connected with the powerful corporate elite.

Nate - Accessories Boutique Owner

Beneath my scrawny chest and my cluster of inexplicably long chest hairs beats the heart of a true entrepreneur.  And even in this brand new age of internetness, where things exist only in a like not physical, completely ethereal void, there's still something special about owning something tangible.  That's why I, even though I never wanted to before, want to own a store.  A place that's mine, where I can be king of what happens and no one makes fun of me on a constant basis just for existing and being from Canada.  But what will I put in my store?  Isn't that the question. Let me tell you something: women love stuff and I love women.  Having a store with lots of stuff is the best way to meet women and make money, which in turn leads to meeting more women.  It's a perfect cycle that's only semi-likely to lead to unbearable pain and anguish. Ok, so accessories.  Lots of little things that women use to dress up outfits and make themselves feel better about everything.  Earrings, necklaces, scarves, bracelets.  It's a goldmine, I tell you.  I'm not gonna get into handbags, I think that's mostly a racket, but I might try clutches - they're small and pretty useful.  Gonna have to see how it plays out.

Molly - Veterinarian

Alright here's the story.  I've recently changed career paths (okay well maybe it was a forced change, but a change nonetheless) and am now heading back to school to be an animal doctor.  Why have I chosen to do such a ridiculous thing?  Why would I ever want to endure classes full of note-taking, much less laboratories for biology and chemistry for the next SIX YEARS?  Why would I want to surgically investigate a canine cadaver? Well, I'm gay!!....for veterinary medicine. Now I know what you're thinking.  It can't be great sitting there taking temperatures of elephants by inserting thermometers the size of a melon into their anuses, not to mention getting scratched to the point of looking like a cutter.  Sure, animals and kitties and puppies are soooo cute but who really wants to examine them when they're yowling their lives out?  Well I do, dammit. And I will steer your skeptical and likely disgusted minds to the positive...How? I have no idea. But I'm determined to find something.  And lest you weak stomached peers of mine start yammering on about the quite plausible repulsions that I will have to endure, remember to be nice so you can get it all pro bono.

Matt  - Sports Blog Proofreader

Let's be real, I spend a shitload of time reading about sports on the internet because it's interesting, my job is boring and I can only spend so much time fretting over the future of Steve's Word.  And no matter how inane, how stupid, how angry, I'm probably gonna read it.  And if I'm gonna read it anyway, I might as well have the chance to tell the writer directly how shitty their grammar is and give them a chance to change it before they embarrass themselves and ruin their credibility.  Because, let's face it, is there any thing more credibility-destroying than a typo in a key sentence?  It doesn't have to just be sports blogs either; the big guys like ESPN and Fox Sports are now producing so much web content it's nearly impossible to give every piece a thorough read and as a result, high profile writers look like idiots.  Where is the guy who will read every word carefully, making sure that "they're" isn't confused with "their," "it's" isn't confused with "its," and words aren't just flat out missing?  He's sitting right here.


  • 1

    I bet your commenters have great dream jobs:

    Ed Weems: To become the next Andy Rooney

    Paul Elicker Fan Club: To be Paul Elicker

    Naked Cowboy: Mayor of New York City

    Jorge Villanueva III: Mexico's biggest drug kingpin

    Kate: Red State Destroya'

    Perceptive Gent: Perceptive Gent (on the payroll)

  • 2

    No, man! I'm LIVIN' the dream job right now! I will work to become the Mayor because I have a huge ego but it won't be nearly as bitchin' as what I currently do. Okay, maybe Nov-Mar it will be better because I'll be indoors.

  • 3

    Yep, Concerned Party, you're right about me. More specifically, I'm totally gay for the wandering hobo laureate position. I'd love to have the skillz to get a few digs in at the American Corporatocracy as demonstrated in the link above- while riding around on trains.

  • 4

    On second thought I just want to be a professional ranter.
    (this link is NSFW but since I'm unemployed and, therefore, gay for just about ANY job, I'm hoping that lots of people ignore my warning and watch it at work anyway. This link is my secret employment weapon. Anyone who watches it at work will surely be fired thereby opening up the job market a tiny crack for me to slip through)

  • 5

    The job I'm gay for is whatever the old guy in Concerned Party's link does for a living.

  • 6

    I know a job you'd HAVE to be gay for:

    Glory Hole Attendant!

  • 7

    When're you yankee dipsticks kummin' back?

  • 8

    Steve's World Author/Contributor/Publisher

    I'd like to work for Steve's World. I'd like to join the biggest windbags east of the gulf coast. Joanne K Rowling and Stephen King have got nothing on Steve's World's longwinded blowhards. Steve's World is the Ever Ready bunny of circumlocution. It takes so long to read Steve's World, I keep forgetting why I don't read Steve's World while I'm reading Steve's World. I'd rather write for Steve's World than read Steve's World because i just don't have the time to read WAR AND PEACE length "comedic" commentaries on big city life online ! Ever think of publishing a print version Steve's World? I hear print magazines are doing really well nowadays.
    - Ed Weems , Publisher, Steve's World

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