Inherently Flawed

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inherently_flawedIt’s been over two years since my last serious relationship and I feel that it would be beneficial to get all of my flaws out on paper so that I can pinpoint the main reason why I am inept in the dating/courting arena. I will accomplish this task by examining various facets of my everyday life and duly noting any discovered blemishes.

Hygiene
I hate combing my hair. It’s a waste of time and energy. I refuse to pay more than $0.99 for any shampoo or conditioner product and I’m physically unable to sit bare ass on a toilet seat.

Work
I’ve never had a job that I’ve actually cared about or tried to perform well at. The only time I’ve actually given it the old all American effort is when my father has threatened me with domestic violence. Nearly 90% percent of the time spent at my current job is allocated to staring blankly at a computer screen. My apathetic attitude toward work is further illustrated by my propensity to have a pull while I’m on the clock. This action shows a disregard for work protocols that is unparalleled amongst any of my friends, family, or co-workers.

Sports
I’m only good at main stream sports. I’m proficient at football, basketball, and baseball. I suck at everything else. I’ve never been able to catch a Frisbee, the only golf club that I can hit the ball into the air with is a five iron, and I actually swim worse with flippers on.

Video Games
I’m only good at main stream sports video games. I’m proficient at football, basketball, and baseball. If a game involves hitting more then two buttons I usually refuse to play it. When I play my friends in games that involve running around and shooting each other I always get killed the most.

Money
I haven’t had a savings account in three years and I have no idea what a Roth IRA is.

Closing the Deal
In the past 3 months I’ve started writing 13 different stories and I haven’t finished any of them. In my last three one nights stands I orgasmed a total of 0 times.

Song and Dance
I love to sing but my voice is the same timbre of a squealing, wounded, badger. My friend, who’s going for his M.D., says that when I dance I look like I have a rare variety of Parkinson’s disease.

Cooking
I tried to make a nacho bean dip two weeks ago and I screwed it up because I thought there wasn’t a difference between miracle whip and mayo. I tried to make the same dip on Sunday and I forgot to mix the taco seasoning with the beans. It tasted like shit both times.

In Conclusion: Vol. 1
That’s about all the truth I can stomach for now. I’m starting to get a pretty clear picture of the situation. If anyone else has any ground breaking ideas about the whole thing feel free to email me.

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