Hott Lixx: I got scammmed (sic)

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Veljay2So there I was, a typical Friday night, few months back, sitting on the good corner of my futon in my birthday suit, surfin' the wonder that is the Internet, virtually cruisin' for trim. I go to my favorite website,, and see a banner ad that says, "Guess who played Carl Winslow on 'Family Matters' and get a free box of deodorant!" Well, for the love of Pete, I was quite the avid 'Family Matters' watcher, and as any devotee of TGIF knows, Carl Winslow was played by none other than the perpetually underrated and classically-trained actor Reginald VelJohnson.

So that got me thinking.

Was this a scam? Who would ask such a seemingly inane question, baiting hardcore VelJohnson fans with promises of such a fine guerdon? The pure utility of a box of deodorant stunned me. I got to wondering, would Reginald VelJohnson autograph said box of deodorant? And if so, would I even have the heart to open the box, thus destroying the signature of one of my favorite dramatic actors in the process?

Quite the dilemma. I went to the kitchen to clear my head and think a bit. I went to the mini-refrigerator and took out a Skor bar and a can of Sparks. This quandary wasn't gonna solve itself. I needed a little liquid courage and empty calories.

I sat on the stool I found on the curb outside a frat house once, took a big bite of Skor, and thought to myself, would Reginald VelJohnson lend his illustrious name to a bait-and-switch? The man had been in dozens of movies, from Die Hard to Like Mike, had appeared in literally hundreds of TV programs, from The Equalizer to That's So Raven. The man is an institution. Certainly, a man of his stature would never think of consorting with a gang of online brigands. I took a long sip of Sparks and concluded, if it's legit enough for Reginald VelJohnson, it's legit enough for me.

I threw my Skor wrapper and empty Sparks can on the ground and marched back to my futon. I sat too hard on the bad corner of the futon, sending my laptop crashing to the floor, causing the screen to go blank. I screamed out in anguish, and picked up the laptop, fearing the worst. I said a little prayer, both to God and Reginald VelJohnson, and lo and behold, my computer started up again. I just knew it, I was destined to win this box of deodorant. I went back to denvermuff, and the banner ad had changed! I audibly said, "Shit," then refreshed the page. There it was, the Carl Winslow banner ad. I clicked the "Reginald VelJohnson" radio button, then clicked the "Submit" button. I felt a little tingle in my Cowper's gland as the site loaded.

VelJayI was taken to a site entitled "WINNER'S CIRCLE!" and was instructed on how to claim my box of deodorant. The tingles in my Cowper's gland intensified. I filled out my information: address, phone number ("temporarily disconnected"), credit info (which, I guess, they needed to verify my identity), and social security number (for further verification). I clicked "OK" and waited patiently for the booty to arrive, in 7-14 days, according to the site.

Two weeks later, no Reginald VelJohnson, no deodorant, no nothing. Then, my credit card statement arrived in the mail. I opened it, and with plight saw my card had been maxed out by none other than denvermuff dot com. Those sons of bitches had swindled me! I called my credit card company and complained, but they said there was nothing they could do because I had voluntarily given my information to denvermuff. I hung up and wept. How could they do this to me? How could Reginald VelJohnson, an actor I love and respect, take me for such a ride? How could they spend $1,000 of MY money, maxing out my credit card in the process?

Later that evening, after three cans of Sparks and a 100 Grand bar, I took out my stationery and wrote Reginald VelJohnson a strongly worded letter. "Motherfucker," I wrote, "you're not going to get away with this. Come hell or high water, I will get my box of deodorant. Just you wait." Then I drew an emoticon with a winking eye, sealed up the letter, wrote, "Reginald VelJohnson, Hollywood," stamped it, and put it in my mailbox. I drained my Sparks, sat down on my futon, and logged onto my favorite website,


Marcus “Jojo” Timmins is the lead guitarist of the Denver Metro Area metal band Hidden Valley Man Ranch 2, formerly known as Hidden Valley Man Ranch. “The Ranch” is available for birthday parties, cocktail parties, bat mitzvah’s, and high school dances. 


  • 1

    I got your letter, Jojo. Sorry to hear about this scam. Neither I nor my estate officially sanctioned this contest. Rest assured, Denver Muff will be hearing from one of my 10 lawyers I keep on retainer. Please, come to my mansion in Hollywood or my other mansion in Gary, IN and I'll write you a check for $1000. By the way, I love the column, Jojo. Keep 'em coming.

  • 2

    This is Floyd Vasquez, I'm the proprietor of I want to categorically state that my website had nothing to do with the actions described by Mr. Timmons. I'd also like to point out that your monthly membership fee is past due, Mr. Timmons. Please pay it ASAP.

    Have a Muffantastic day.

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