Guys We’re Gay For II

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cristiano-ronaldo.jpgApparently one of these columns wasn't enough to express all the man-love that goes on around here at our HQ.  But that doesn't mean anything.  We swear.  You believe us, right?  Please?

• Tim - Cristiano Ronaldo

Two time FA Footballer of the year. Lavished with even more awards. 41 goals in all competitions last year. He plays with grace and power and pinache. Moreover, have you seen his rippling mocha-toned thighs? Just think what he could do in the bedroom or the VIP room at some swanky Manchester club. Check it out his skills here: Compilation. Cristiano Ronaldo is the best footballer on the planet. Love him or hate him, watching him play is to watch art in motion and that's why I'm way gay for him.


• Matt - the Sports Guy

It's columns.  It's podcasts.  It's TV segments.  It's love.  That's right, I can't live without the ESPN's the Sports Guy, Bill Simmons, or as I like to call him, Bill.  Look, my baby's not perfect - he's an unabashed Boston homer and now he lives in LA.  He's got some crazy theories about sports and some nutty feelings about life.  He loves to gamble which I really don't know about.  One thing I do know, however, is that I can't go a day without some contact from him.  When he only writes two columns in a week and only releases one or two podcasts, I almost go insane.  How do you live when you only spend time with your great love four times a week?  It's too difficult, even for someone far better than myself. 

ben_gibbard.jpg• Nate - Ben Gibbard

My girlfriend refers to Death Cab's music as "whiny girl stuff" but I don't care.  The thing about Ben that makes him so great is that he's trustworthy.  You see, you need a perpetually lovestruck songster to be kinda not that good looking and that's what makes Ben so great.  When he talks about lost love, you believe that he's hurt.  You know there's no way he's just picking up random skanks at a bar like Dashboard's Chris Carrabba probably does.  He's a fake, but Ben is truthful and honest.  And honesty is really important for a relationship to succeed, even if that relationship happens to be imaginary.

midnight_cowboy_01.jpg• Jeff -  Jon Voight circa 1969. Midnight Cowboy. Nuff said.

• Dorito - MGMT (Ben Goldwasser and Andrew Van Wyngarden)

Yo. Word. As a rule, I usually despise people from Connecticut. I'm not sure what it is exactly, but I think it has something to do with Tag sales. They're called "yard sales" or "garage sales" you sweaty little monsters! Anyways, MGMT formed at Wesleyan College (one of my fallback schools, but that's neither here nor there) in Connectictut back in 2002. I've got madd gay love for these homies cuz they make the kind of music similar to that which I make in my bedroom in my Great-Aunt's apartment here in Manhattan. Not only do they have tight beats, interesting sounds, and sensual grooves, but their lyrics touch Dorito's heart and soul. Nah mean? "Time to Pretend" is their masterpiece. Not only can a brotha' dance to it, but if you stop and listen to the lyrics the shit will break your heart. Give it a listen sometime and you to will turn your gay dial to 11 for MGMT.


geithner.JPG• Mike Lebovitz - Tim Geithner

I’m a little gay for Treasury Secretary, Timothy Geithner.  Remember, he’s kind of a bad boy – he “forgot” to pay his taxes BEFORE it was cool.   And isn’t he just the perfect mix of brash and bumbling?  An exquisite amalgam of prowess and pussy?  I think so; he has that air of entitlement, that SWAGGER of a man who controls the market, and yet, and yet, and yet . . . every time he opens his mouth, the markets -- they CRASH.  And that must make him so SAD.  I hope he knows that it’s not his fault, that it’s just HARD to convince the Emperor that, no, no, you DO wear clothes after all! And then every couple of weeks, he’s got to sit down in the Senate Chamber, in a rumpled suit with a pout on his puss and have a bunch of cranky old men yell at him.  NO FUN.  I want to take him away, maybe to a tropical island somewhere where we can run on the beach, loosen our ties, and splash in the surf.  Then, when we get back to the cabana, I just want to cuddle him close, run my fingers through his rapidly-graying hair and whisper softly to him, “shhh, it’ okay, everything’s gonna be alright.”   And then maybe fuck his butthole a little.  Is that weird?



1 Comment

  • 1

    Great stuff, team!

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