Jojo Timmins is back! If you missed out on his past installments about life as an aging rocker living the dream in the Denver Metro Area be sure to check out his chronicles
. In Today's special guest appearance he brings you the best fashion tips for the thrifty gentleman.
Hey Ranch Hands! I'm glad to report that my electricity bill has been paid for the month (thanks, Jeff!) and I got my laptop back in working order after "The Great Jerk Site Virus Catastrophe of '09," so Jojo the writer is back in business. At any rate, as we all know, Fall has fallen, and with them droppin' leaves comes an attendant drop in the ol' mercury. And here in the Denver metro area, the mile high city with all the mile high titties, we're already at a brisk average of about 50 degrees tops. That's a bit on the chilly side, as my achin' joints would attest, so away go the Buster Brown loafers and cut-off Rustler jeans, Blublockers and novelty t-shirts and out come the Fall fashions. As a sartorial gadfly renowned among Denver's rock'n'roll elite for his natty yet affordable style, I figure I'm well placed to offer all you Steve's Worders, all you Ranch Hands in the land a peek at "Jojo's List," my frugal fashion picks for Autumn '09, designed for damn near any social situation you're gonna find yourselves in.
Oh, and sorry ladies, this list is for boys only. So here goes nothin':
Outfit #1: For the stud with money burning a hole in his pocket and VD burning a hole in his pecker:
You get around. You know the gig. One night you're dropping Hamiltons at the Mining Pan Bar & Grill down on Maple Drive West and the next you're busting a move down at the Funky Gully out in Broomfield. You're a sex warrior; a man of mystique with a knack for the finer things in life: Microbeer, leather gloves, nylon blend briefs, David Lee Roth-era Van Halen, fast women and even faster Camaros.
Navy blue Union army hat: $14.99, Wet Willy's Costume Shoppe in Longmont
"B for Badass" necklace: $5.59, Marshall's
Native American overcoat: $35.99, Tod's Coaterie
Big Dawg "Unleashed" tee-shirt: $10.99, Target
Levi's Action Slacks: $45.00 (new, Sear's), $2 (gently used, Salvation Army, East Colfax)
Real leather moccasins: $18.49, Shepler's
Outfit 2: For the Badass with no time for all that bullshit but who still wants to score trim down at the Gapin' Crevasse
You're ruff stuff and you don't like to fuck around with baubles and beads. You're a man's man on a budget. Elastic is your friend. You're sensible but you're not averse to kickin' some ass down at the 15th Street Tavern if someone touches the new paint job on your Mazda Miata. You're looking for a flattering, slimming ensemble that'll catch the feminine gaze and get you sleepin' double in a single bed.
Imitation Oakley sunglasses: $6.99, Loaf 'n Jug
Mexican poncho: $8.99, Hector's on 3rd
Slim fit polo: $14.99, Marnie's Cupboard (Colorado Springs location)
Classic fit Zubaz pants: $12.00, Colorado Butt Kickerz' Martial Arts Supply (Harvest Drive location)
Stompy boots (steel toe!): $17.49, Bass Pro Shop
Outfit #3: A Romantic Night Out
Congratulations. You've worn one of my two ensembles down to the bar, you've met a nice girl with teased cigarette-blonde hair and a reckless streak as deep and wide as her crow's feet. You're well on your way to Hump Town. But now you've got to take this lady out to an expensive meal, maybe Panera on 16th street or even the Wolfgang Puck Express next to the Comfort Inn off Pearl Street. Worry not, you handsome but cash-strapped bachelor. Jojo's on your side.
Biker cap: $6.99, Denver Hat Town
Simulated gold necklace: $2.49, Claire's
Decadent but tasteful nylon chevron jacket: $9.95, Dancin' Duds (next door to Marnie's Cupboard)
Faux tattoo tee (always a hit!): $11.89, TUFF MAN SHOPS (in Broomfield)
Pleated, mid-waist jeans with imitation goat skin belt: $18.00, Percy's Flea (downtown location)
BeeBop sneakers: $12.75, Payless
So there you go, boys! Three outfits that are certain to get the panties droppin' and the heads turnin'. And now that you've saved some dinero shopping the Jojo way, you can buy a few more USA Pale Lagers for the sexy, saccharine, stylish, succulent, sanguine, slutty, slobber-inducing women of the Denver metro area. Go out 'n get 'em!
Marcus "Jojo" Timmins is the lead guitarist of the Denver Metro Area metal band Hidden Valley Man Ranch 2, formerly known as Hidden Valley Man Ranch. "The Ranch" is available for birthday parties, cocktail parties, bat mitzvah's, and high school dances.