Welcome to Week 3 of The 1st Annual Steve's Word Beer Bracket. What? You haven't been following the intense action for the past two weeks. How dare you? Fine, if you're just joining us now you can find Week 1's results penned by Avery Booker here. Week 2's results scribed by Mitchell Frye are here. If you're a lazy ass and just want to see how the bracket has been filled in thus far look here...I'm waiting...Caught up? Good. Let's dive right into Week 3 written by first time Steve's Word contributor and long time beer drinker, Elle Scoots. Traditionally, the third leg in a relay race is run by the weakest member of the team. That is definitely not the case here. We've never won a relay race and strategic planning isn't one of our strongsuits. Moreover, this week's results kick ass. So, enjoy.
1 Bell's Amber Ale vs 16 Coors Light
Bell's Amber Ale, packed with sweet malts and a slightly fruity smell, may sound like a pussy drink but its well-balanced, rich flavor could stop any silver bullet in its tracks. So don’t even try it, Coors Light. I don’t care if you can tap the Rockies or how cold you claim to be, you still suck. If I peed in a glass, put it in a cooler, waited until the specimen was sufficiently cold, then stuck it in a vented, wide-mouthed can, it woud still taste like piss. That is why the flagship beer from Bell’s Brewery will drift contently into the next round, never looking back and leaving the official beer of NASCAR in its dust.
8 PBR vs 9 Yuengling
PBR and the related hipster scene used to push me to the brink of madness so one year ago this round would have taken me all of two seconds to decide. However, I think I was just suppressing some inner desire I had to actually be a hipster myself. Recently, I have found myself buying unisex shoes and wearing shorts that make me look like a bike messenger. Furthermore, my new favorite hot spot is a hipster bar that has PBR pounders for one dollar every Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. What more could a broke and thirsty girl ask for? In this economy, beer for a dollar wins this round for shizzle. Also, sorry my fellow bracketeers, but Yuengling just tastes skunked.
5 Rogue Dead Guy vs 12 Amstel Light
Amstel, claiming to have led the American light beer revolution, may have been able to bring some competition to the table had it been paired with something a little less bad ass. When it's paired with one of the best beers ever, it encounters some problems. Anyone who tastes Dead Guy for the first time always has the same response. “What is this? It sooo goooood.” I kid you not. Just ask this guy over here -->. Not only does it have flavor but the drinkablility is what I think makes this German-style maibock a clear winner over the supposed beer drinker's light beer. Plus, you can get in those really big bottles which trumps any claim to a light beervolution.
4 Six Point Sweet Action vs Stella 13
I had some difficulty finding Six Point Sweet Action in Philadelphia but once I did, I quickly knew my decision. Sweet Action is an American blonde ale that has a full yet smooth flavor with a small kick of hoppiness that could rival any of the better microbrews in this bracket. Even though Stella is not a bad choice as a go-to when options are limited, it can't hold a candle to the tastiness that is Sweet Action. The fact it is from Brooklyn also gives Six Point an upper hand in this round being that it pays less rent and likes to cruise for thirty-somethings in Prospect Park. Let's just hope that it doesn't start popping out babies and hypocritically protesting gentrification.
6 Weihenstephaner Hefe vs 11 Corona
The lazy days of summer call for chillin' out, maxin', relaxin' and coolin'. Possibly shootin' some Bball outside of school. This is optimal time for a cool, refreshing beverage and Corona can always scratch that itch. I will admit that the Weihenstephaner Hefe is a delicious beer that can also refresh one's palate when needed. In fact, one beer drinker even became so excited upon first contact that she decided to take an impromptu, fully clothed shower in this classic, rich and robust Hefeweizen. However, the dog days of summer are rapidly approaching and that calls for light and easy as opposed to rich and robust. That is why Corona (and its ever popular side-kick, lime) take this round.
3 Kingfisher vs 14 Tecate
A few weeks ago, I went to a B.Y.O. Indian restaurant with my mom and she had thoughtfully packed us a few beers to drink during our feast of palak paneer and garlic naan. My mom, who periodically surprises me with her coolness, had brought Kingfisher, a lager originally from south India. The owner pulled it out of the bag and said “Kingfisher? How did she score that?” I never thought of Kingfisher as a difficult beer to come by but he was impressed nonetheless. One point Kingfisher. Here's where I am conflicted. A six pack of Tecate cans and a lime on a hot day seriously rules. And it's cheap. So how do I decide? Hot day and cheap beer vs my mom scoring points with the owner of the Indian restaurant on South Street? Both may give you the shits, but I suppose this one's for you mom. Kingfisher moves on.
7 BlueMoon vs 10 Heineken
BOOOORING. Blue Moon.
2 Victory Hop Devil vs 15 Bud
I was at a Phillies/Mets game earlier in the season and as we all know, baseball games consist of over priced, crappy beer, Budweiser being at the top of that list. There is even a section at Citizens Bank Park named the Bud Lite Zone which I can only assume is full of drunk Phillies fans drinking the King of Beers between innings. Knowing this, I prepared myself for a day of shitty beer drinking. That is why I was pleasantly surprised when I spotted a glimmer of hope through the huge soft pretzels and Chickie and Pete's crab fries. Hop Devil! Total score for an IPA fan. I drank Hop Devil throughout the game, not cringing as much when I forked over 8 dollars per hoppy and medium-bodied, 6.7% ABV beer. By the end of the game, I was drunk and happy. And the Phillies won in an extra inning. Good game, great beer. Clear choice for me. Suck it, Mets. BOOYAH!
1 Bell's Amber Ale vs 8 PBR
Clearly, Bell's Amber Ale is a better crafted and higher quality beer than its competitor, PBR. However, being the better contestant doesn't always manifest a win. Just ask Adam Lambert. Sometimes you need a crowd pleaser. Something to appease the masses. Not to mention PBR can be consumed without having to sacrifice a few days worth of food. Given these circumstances, I am sending PBR into round three. It's nervous, I can feel it. "What am I doing here?" PBR will ask the beer standing next to it. To which that beer will reply "You lucked out, you cheap ass bitch." PBR is unfazed, deciding it has much to be proud of and is a great accessory to any hipster outfit. Good luck, underdog. We need a Cinderella story.
5 Rogue Dead Guy vs 4 Six Point Sweet Action
For lovers of those other types of brackets... We come into round two with Dead Guy and Sweet Action both bringing their A-game. In such a closely seeded match up, this Big Dance is going to be a nail biter! A game of inches. Both beers are set to give 110% and stave off elimination. Besides, it's all about the fans. They couldn't have done it without you. It's really just an honor to be here. In the end, Rogue knows what it takes to win. You can't stop it, you can only hope to contain it. Six Point made a rookie mistake and zigged when it should have zagged. This choice may be taking the crowd outta the game but in reality, on any given day, any team is capable of beating another team. Sweet Action tried to fight back, even when its back was against the wall. But this victory was hard-fought and Dead Guy asserted its will and came out on top, leaving it all on the field. (right?!)
11 Corona vs 3 Kingfisher
Both being from lands rich with ancient, beautiful cultures and really spicy sauces, these two beers are a close match. In the end, Corona takes down Kingfisher in a calm and relaxing showdown. Straight off a Slumdog Millionaire high, Kingfisher tried to out chillax Corona with some downward dog and warrior one but Corona dominated, coming armed with its hand woven hammock and white sand beaches.
7 Blue Moon vs 2 Victory Hop Devil
Blue Moon is smooth and refreshing and, on draft, tastes like a freshly brewed Belgium-style wheat ale. The things is, Hop Devil doesn't just taste like a freshly brewed ale; it is freshly brewed. Made in Downingtown, PA, this strong, hoppy ale originates just a stone's throw away from my old stomping grounds and an easy SEPTA ride from my current place of residence. Perhaps I am being a localist, but I am proud of Hop Devil, as it has expanded more than expected yet has not become cocky enough to pop its collar and refer to everyone as, "bro." Stay humble Hop Devil, as I move you into the Regional Semi-Finals.
8 PBR vs 5 Rogue Dead Guy
Our Cinderella story must come to an end this round. It was short-lived yet glorious. PBR has many redeeming qualities, including its fan base, the discount price, and the ease at which one can chug a pounder, but it is no match for the pure deliciousness that is Rogue Dead Guy. I also recently found out that Rogue has added whiskey to the Dead Guy posse. More ways to get drunk off of tasty goodness?? Nicely done, Rogue.
11 Corona vs 2 Victory Hop Devil
Corona and Hop Devil both have their time and place. Unfortunately for Corona, Hop Devil's time and place is whenever you are thirsty and wherever you are standing. Sorry Corona, but the facts speak for themselves. You were a tough competitor and occasionally the dark horse, but Hop Devil charges into the finale, ready to quench everyone's thirst.
5 Rogue Dead Guy vs 2 Victory Hop Devil
The final round brings us the devil and a dead guy; two menacingly labeled beers, fighting an underworld battle of epic proportions. Ultimately, the balanced, sweet maltiness of Dead Guy is lost in the fire created by the fierce and spicy Hop Devil. This Victory beer can now remain on this side of the River Styx and party with us living mortals for a little while longer. See you in Hades, Dead Guy! Hop Devil, I will see you at the Final Four blow out; I know you'll bring the heat.
Come on, Eldrick.