The Adventures of Schlong Valdez

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schlong_valdez.jpgFor some reason, since I can't see your face right now, I don't mind telling you about one of the most embarrassing moments of my life.  It took place just a couple of months ago right here at the Steve's Word Home Office the night after some drunken ribaldry.  It was, and I don't mean to gush, the first time that the guys here had invited me out to go drinking with them and, well, I got fucking hammered.  I was so drunk I actually woke up at my desk at five in the morning having no memory of how I got here, when, or why our cleaning lady Esperanza now calls me "El Matador."  But that's neither here nor there.  The important part of the story took place while we were still at the bar, when for some reason I felt compelled to take off my pants.

I can't provide an explanation for such an action because I have no memory of the myriad reasons I surely had.  All I know is that when I brought in some coffee during the morning brainstorming session, Tim called me "Schlong Valdez" and everyone else thought it was the funniest thing they ever heard.  I didn't really understand the joke since I had no memory of airing it out the night before, but Jeff spelled it out for me later that day.  Apparently, after one too many American Spirit Wolf shots (half tequila, half Jagermeister), I felt the urge to expose myself.  I got up on the bar, dropped trow and yelled out "I am Spartacus," then I gathered up my draws, leapt off the bar and bid adieu to the bar by screaming "Seacrest out!" as I ran out into the street, clearly on my way back to the office.  None of which I remembered.  Then Jeff told me that the rest of the guys had an hour long discussion on whether or not mine was the smallest dick they had ever seen publicly exposed and decided the answer was yes.

What's weird about it was that I never considered myself to be overly small, or at least freakishly so.  Look, obviously I'm no John Holmes, if I were I wouldn't be slaving away with these hacks, I'd be balls deep in some fake-titted blond bimbo on the set of "There Will Be Cum."  I thought that I was being honest with myself when I looked down and gave the assessment "average," but apparently I was mistaken. 

I guess I can still take comfort from the fact that no woman has ever laughed her ass off at the sight of my unbridled passion, but having my coworkers go into stitches at the slightest hint of me doesn't really feel too good.  What's worse is that I now can't stop thinking about it.  Should I be ashamed?  Should I consider some male enhancement herbs?  What about a surgical option?  Most importantly, how does a guy come back from this?

ruler1.jpgAs I sit here in our darkened offices, long after everyone else has left, I'm racking my brain to figure out an answer.  Because this isn't just about my apparently less-than-average penis.  It's about how we look at ourselves after we learn that not only are we not perfect, but that we are wholly deficient in some way.  There will be a time when you, yes even you, will have to look in the mirror and understand that someone is better than you at something, that you aren't as good as you thought you were.  Maybe it's happened already, but I'm sure you've shrugged it off because you don't care that you're the worst in the office at Wii Tennis (Jeff).  It's also happened to me about inconsequential things.  But if there's anything important in this world it surely must be my penis so there's no way I can think this isn't important.

I guess the truth is that I'll never get over this one.  There will never be a potential hook up that wont make me think about that moment when I can't hide anymore.  I might never get nice again.  Unless I can just put it out of my mind.  Or maybe I should just own it.  Look, I guess the truest truth here is that I am who I am and there's nothing that's gonna change that.  And maybe guys like me need to take back our size, like it was the night or the N word.  So, take that all you people out there who hold others to ridiculous expectations that no one can live up to.  Small is the new black.


3 Comments

  • 1

    Hey Nate, lighten up! Penises are over-rated in our society today and you can still land some killer tail with your warm smile and confident yet self-depricating humor. And that's what counts; rating yourself on how many women will have a drunken one night stand with you, not the size of your ding-a-ling.

    Oh, and I will whip anyone's ass at Wii Tennis like I was Wesley Willis. Say, "Rock!"

  • 2

    I usually don't laugh out loud when reading alone, but I couldn't help it with this post. The humor density (laughs/word) was pretty freaking high.

  • 3

    Nate, it's good to see you owning your culturally-biased inadequacy so fiercely. Remember, plenty of under-endowed gentlemen have enjoyed a great deal of success...take, for example, Green Day's Billie Joe Armstrong, Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke, and Swiss Confederation mediator Napoleon Bonaparte. Hell, look how far Kirstie Alley has come, and I'm not convinced he even has a dick.

    As always, everything is relative. For all you know, Nate, if you were depantsed in a karaoke bar in Seoul, you might now be Prime Minister of the Land of the Morning Calm.

    So don't fret. Rest assured that while a weensy pecker doesn't necessarily make you a less of a man, it could very well make you a woman with a freakishly giant clit.

    Cheers,
    LB

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