6 Things I Learned as the Steve’s Word Intern

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nate_green.jpgHello everyone, I'm so glad to be here. Actually, I've been here for a while but not in the full capacity that I am now. You see, I used to be the intern over here at Steve's Word but I was recently promoted. It was a tough road, but I made it through. Congrats to me.

As my mentors around here tell me constantly (when they reject my columns): "write what you know." So, as my first official assignment as a full-fledged member of the staff (my Week in Review didn't count since it prompted my promotion), I'm gonna do just that, and present to you the six very most important things I learned in my time as the Steve's Word intern. Hopefully this will also serve as a classified for finding a new intern, 'cause I'm supposed to be doing that too.

1) Logging clips is annoying.

index_screenshot.jpgThe absolute first thing that I was taught to do was log clips in Final Cut Pro. This task is meted out to someone who had never laid hands on editing software before for really good reason: it sucks to do. It's really annoying, the drive never responds fast enough, and if you screw up you get the wrath of the director or the editor or both. Usually both. It's a tough but important job and you have to make sure that you don't leave anything out. Because, no matter what the project is, if there's a couple minutes of horsing around and you decide not to capture it, at some point someone will say, "weren't we rolling on all the hilarious stuff?" and you will feel smaller than the piece of lint I pull out of my belly-button every night.

2) Play to the room.

Knowing one's audience is essential if you want your jokes to go over well. This is Rule 1 for any stand up comedian, but it is also extremely important for every person with their eye on the corner office, even if that's the corner of your living room. If you make the higher-ups feel bad then they wont like you and then they wont want to hire you; this is something I learned after I was talked to about my "attitude problem" and then righted the ship. And now look at me. Ok, so, here's the deal: Tim is always right, except when he's not. Matt gets very upset, a lot. Jeff is pretty much crazy but the best drinking buddy in town. Ryan's a genius when he actually gets some work done. New guy Mike shaves like every two hours. You're gonna need to know these things later on. Trust me.

3) Hot dogs are essential.

hotdog.jpgYou might think that I would have already known this, having been born with franks and beans, but I never truly understood how great hot dogs were until I started at Steve's Word. The truth is, it didn't even bother me at all to make batch after batch. These guys have hot dogs for lunch everyday! I've never seen people so crazed for hot dogs. One time, when someone was really needing a fix, I even went on a street meat run. The moment I ran back into the office with those hot dogs in hand was thrilling for me, I'd never felt so important in my life.

4) Don't ask about Dave.

One of Steve's Word's co-founders is a guy named Dave, but I only learned this from the bios page on the website. I asked Tim about him, but he just shook his head and then slammed it into his giant mahogany desk, which I bet hurt a lot. Matt only knew him as "the Polish Ambassador," but I had no idea what that meant and before I could ask, Johan Santana gave up a game-tying home run and Matt started to cry. Ryan and Jeff were on location, so I decided to just take the plunge and send him an email. What I got back was a string of induction letters for his organic food pyramid scheme, apparently I qualified for the silver level, and some information on tantric yoga and guided meditation. So, yeah, don't ask about Dave. Lesson learned.

5) Work days start at 9.

pill_bottle.jpgWhen I started here, I figured that we were in a creative field so some of the normal mores of the workaday world might be suspended. I was ready to work late if I could sleep late. But, we run a tight a ship over here, believe you me. We start work at nine sharp because, well, discipline is important. Before I worked here, I was a lowly underling at another quote-unquote creative boutique and people waltzed in at all hours of the day and night and it sucked. But we don't play that way. Creativity and humor can be realized within banker's hours, given enough alcohol and easy access to various black market pharmacologicals.

6) You've got to laugh at yourself.

This is obviously a very important life lesson that I've been lucky enough to have learned in my time as intern. Look, there are times in your life when you are going to be shit on, there are moments when you are the least important person around, there are months when you are the butt of every joke. And here's the real secret: if you want it to end, you have to take it. You have to learn that being the butt of every joke is better than being invisible, that not being allowed to play on the company's Wii is good enough if they let you watch. Because the struggle to succeed is not really between you and your competitors, not even between you and your bosses. It's between you and your want to do it. And if you want it that much, then you'll take it and join in the fun. And if you don't want it enough, then you need to get out. Because that's who the world is looking for, someone who will want it enough to let your bosses call you Halley's Vomit for that time you got too drunk. They want someone to ironically call Schlong Valdez every time you deliver the coffee because of that time...well, never mind. I've got to save some material for my next column.

And really, if you know anyone interested in a thrilling internship, we're hiring.


  • 1

    Stevesword has an intern,that is so funny.

  • 2

    I started to cry? Thin ice, Nate. Very thin ice.

  • 3

    [...] a gander at the Steve’s Word Biographies page, or if you read Nate’s account of me crying, then you know that I’m a Mets fan. And maybe you’ve heard that last week, last Tuesday [...]

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