Uggs: An Investigation

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uggs_leadShould I be wary of women who wear Ugg boots? or What can I infer about women who wear Ugg boots?

It’s no secret that Ugg boots have recently surpassed Kangaroo burgers as Australia’s number one export. According to a recent study, 1 in 3 urban dwelling women own a pair and the numbers are steadily increasing. With record numbers of girls from nearly all walks of life sliding their skibbies into freshly maimed Koala hide, the populace has turned to Steve’s Word for an answer. Of course an undertaking of this nature “would require analyzing various sects of supply and demand as well as taking into consideration the extensive gamut of consumer purchasing habits,” but we at Steve’s Word take pride in sifting through all of the hearsay to deliver to you the bottom line.

We took to the streets, questioning women on what exactly it is about Ugg boots that drives them so bonkers. Our stakeout operation in front of Sole Sister, quickly nabbed us our first subject. When questioned on her choice of footwear, Autumn Summers responded, “Have you seen the Chronicles of Narnia? Not the new one, the old one? Ugg boots make me feel like the Ice Queen. Even though she’s wretchedly ugly, her confidence screams sexy.” It is true that the Ice Queen’s face resembles a foot. It is also true that her dominatrix stylings have made me reconsider that being on the passive side of a game of water sports* might not be so bad after all.

As for Autumn Summers, she was a few quality grades below the Ice queen, her looks hovering somewhere around a bowl of minced chicken wattles. However, the sluttiness afforded by her Ugg boots did upgrade her sex appeal rating from “I’d have sex with Carl Winslow before I touch that” to “I’d probably nut on her face if I was drunk enough.” After crunching a few numbers and running three consecutive simulations, our team discovered that Ugg boots do indeed make women feel sexier. Conversely, we established that men tend to view Ugg boots as a representation of the wearers frequent sexual practices that may be considered deviant. Chalk one up for Ugg boots.

Our search for answers took us to Café Pride, Chicago’s #1 gay coffee house. Legs crossed and swanking a pair of Uggs like an overdeveloped 6th grade girl with a tight shirt, Trevor Fabulous took some time to answer our questions. We asked Trevor, what it is about Ugg boots that tickles his scrotum. “Honey, it’s all about the comfort. Well, comfort and style. It’s like wearing…assless chaps made out of silk! They’re comfy enough to wear to the Laundromat, but on the way home, if you want to swing by oh say, The Poopdeck to grab a martini, you’ll be the cock of the walk. Mmm hmm. Yeah girl.” Trevor’s penetrating words dug deep into the rear end of our subconscious, and we soon withdrew any inhibitions, cozying up to all of this gay talk. Conclusion number 2: Because gay men are the most fastidious creatures on the planet, it can be assumed that Trevor’s assessment on what is comfortable should be taken as ultimate truth. Women like Ugg boots because they are comfortable.

Like Argonauts on a quest for a golden fleece, we foraged onward. Our crew of one set up shop on the Magnificent Mile, shopping Mecca of downtown Chicago. The assortment of women sporting Ugg boots was overwhelming. Eventually we caught up with fashion expert and TV personality Melissa Rivers. We asked for her opinion on this Ugg matter not only because we serendipitously ran into her, but because the causes for the popularity of Uggs is about as confusing to us as how someone like her could achieve slight fame and success by merely being the daughter of another slightly famous leathery waif who spends the twilight of her years selling junk on QVC. Due to her daily wasp venom lip injection it wasn’t 100% clear what she said but here’s what we think she said, “Ladies need a sense of security and Ugg boots offer exactly that.” This made zero sense to us so we continued to badger her until she could explain herself. She said, “my lips hurt like the dickens, but I’ll do my best. Women constantly need to be told that everything is ok and that they and their loved ones are safe. Be it sacrificing true love for a man with money or putting her arm in front of you when she’s driving and you’re in the passenger seat and she has to make a sudden stop. Security is a woman’s number one priority. Ugg boots are simply like air-bags for your feet. Most days we have to wear uncomfortable shoes that put our lives in danger, but the Lord has blessed us with footwear that keeps us from tripping, having our feet stomped on, and stubbing our toes. Plus, they’re super absorbent and you can totally sop up your menstruation if you’re in a pinch.”

There you have it folks. Steve’s Word has solved yet another of modern life’s greatest mysteries. Chicks dig Uggs because it makes them look sexy, they’re comfortable, and on those heavy flow days they’re a real lifesaver.


  • 1

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