Chatcast: Ahmadinejad and Chavez

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gchatEditor's note: In a stellar coup (no pun intended) of investigative journalism, Steve's Word has secured a copy of an instant message conversation between Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, recently reelected President of Iran, and Hugo Chavez, President of Venezuela, just after the former was reelected in an election being disputed in some circles.  You very rarely get this sort of unfiltered look into the dialogue between two world leaders, both of whom had no idea that this conversation would ever be seen by the public, and we are in eternal debt to our contact who braved life and limb to bring this to light.  In it, Ahmadinejad, "MadMoud69," and Chavez, "Speidi4Eva," are seen as they truly are; two public figures caught without their handlers, advisers or aides.  Be warned, some might consider this potentially explosive stuff.

2:09 PM Speidi4Eva: Hooooombre! I didn't think I would see you online today.  Are you totally psyched about the election results?2:10 PM MadMoud69: AA, my friend.2:11 PMMeh. I wasn't worried.2:13 PM Speidi4Eva: Srsly?  I was reading all sorts of things.  MadMoud69: Cool as a bowl of tzatziki, my friend.  Speidi4Eva: You must have been a little nervous.  No?2:14 PM MadMoud69: No way. Speidi4Eva: Not even after that story about you being surrounded by light at the UN?  That was creepy, bro.And why did you then deny it? Never deny, do like me.MadMoud69: I'm telling you, I wasn't worried at all. I hadn't been so sure of an election since I was elected Mayor of Tehran. Appointed, I mean. Speidi4Eva: OMFJC*, you guys rigged the thing?Did u really?2:16 PM
Tell me, amigo.  I can keep a secret.MadMoud69: I'm really not supposed to yap about it, the SL will totally stone me if he finds out.2:17 PM I already have to wash all his fifty cars for a month. Speidi4Eva: LOL2:18 PM MadMoud69: I wish I was joking.  And he said I can't make one of my underlings do it either.2:19 PM But, in confidence, Mohammad Ali Ramin begged me to let him wash the Benzes, and I might let him.  They remind him of his days in Germany.  He still won't say what he did when he was there, but I'm sure it was something wholesome.  Speidi4Eva: Ramin in the casa!  That guy is nutz!  How is he?2:20 PM I miss chillaxing with him around a big plate of spaetzle.  MadMoud69: I think it's spelled spätzle.2:21 PM Speidi4Eva: Whatevs, yo.2:22 PM MadMoud69: You should totally come to next year's Holocaust investigation conference.  You know how Ramin gets up for that event.  It is his favorite time of the year. Speidi4Eva: I know! I was totally bummed to miss "Holocaust? A Sacred Lie by the West" this year.  Those pics you posted were off the chorizo. Have you decided on a name and theme for next year's conference? MadMoud69: I haven't decided yet.  What do you think of "Holocaust: Something the Jews Made Up to Make Us All Feel Guilty"?2:23 PM Speidi4Eva: A little long, no?  MadMoud69: "Holocaust: I'm Not Denying It, I'm Just Sayin' It Didn't Happen" Speidi4Eva: Holocaust: I'm so happy they didn't come here  MadMoud69: Don't get ahead of yourself there!2:24 PM One of these days we'll transfer our jewish problem to you. Speidi: No way, Jose.  What kind of country do you think I'm running over here - Brazil?2:25 PM MadMoud69: LMFBO**  What about "Holocaust: Liar, Liar, Hijab on Fire" Speidi4Eva: Perfecto. MadMoud69: You know what, we're totally gonna get James Von Brunn to speak at next year's conference.  Speidi4Eva: If he pulls through, you mean.2:26 PM MadMoud69: OMA***, totally.  We were also thinking of inviting Paul Fromm but he's really just a talking turban.  Von Brunn really makes things happen. That guy's an inspiration, a little ineffectual but really solid philosophically.2:27 PM MadMoud69's new status reads: 62 percent, infidellz!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Speidi4Eva: I can't believe you guys really pulled it off.  That's awesome.  MadMoud69: Yeah, thanks friend.  Some advisors thought that claiming I won in Tabriz with 57% of the vote was too much, but I insisted that high marks in Mousavi's home territory was a strong statement.  Also it was important to me that Karoubi and Rezaie were humiliated so we gave them a staggeringly low percentage. Hahaha suckers. Plus the 50% in Tehran.  I told them "I don't care what the count is, just say I won 50%"  Speidi4Eva: You really know how to run your democracy.2:28 PM MadMoud69: Hey my friend, I'm attending to the people's needs.  They might want me or know they need me, but they do. The SL has been doing this awhile you know. Why do you think he shut down the post of Prime Minister when Mousavi had it?  That man is dangerous, how can anyone trust an architect?  Speidi4Eva: Hahahaha  Do you worry about being able to maintain your trademark moral superiority over the Americans? MadMoud69: Nah.  Nothing will make me feel less superior to those dogs.  So what if I'm just as corrupt and shady as they are?  So what if my re-election results in rioting and fires and throwing internation journalism outfits from the country?  The same thing happens after a great football match, it's of no concern to me.2:29 PM Let me tell you something, my moral superiority is basically all I've got here.  You know I've got only a nominal amount of power.  If I can't wage a public relations war against an enemy of convenience, I'm basically just shitting on my hand over here.2:30 PM That's why all this controversy is a good thing.  This whole ruckus just leads to more instability and the more instability there is, the closer we get to a situation where someone makes a mistake and then we can really get down to the business. I just hope my reactors are ready by then.2:31 PM Speidi4Eva: It's totally a good thing you did what you had to do to remain in your position. MadMoud69: It's just too bad we couldn't pull off the same thing in Lebanon last week.  I'm kicking myself now, but who would have thought the people wouldn't want Hizbollah running their government.  Sure we didn't lose any ground, but we didn't gain any either.  I'm sick to my stomach like I ate some bad lamb kebabs. Speidi4Eva: That sux, bro.2:32 PM MadMoud69: Yeah, but at least now I have four more years to make sure "democracy" flourishes in the Middle East. Hahahahaha Speidi4Eva: So true. MadMoud69: Yes, yes, I am the bomb.2:33 PM Speidi4Eva: And you're going to have one!  MadMoud69: Hi-oh! I'll be here for the next four years!  Speidi4Eva: One big party, bro.  But instead of many chicas, you've got old men with long white beards. MadMoud69: I've gotta get going going, gotta tell the world that these were the soundest of elections and this was a victory for all of Iran.2:34 PM Speidi4Eva: Except for all the people who voted against you. MadMoud69: Yeah but that's prolly only 60% of the population. j/k 65% Speidi4Eva: LOL2:35 PM MadMoud69: Just to rub it in, I'm going to wear green and everything. Speidi4Eva: Watch out for flying shoes!  MadMoud69: ROSL**** Ok, brosephus.  Hit you up when I get back from the demonstrations.2:36 PM Speidi4Eva: Peace. MadMoud69: Hopefully not!2:37 PM Speidi4Eva: You crack me up, Mahmoud 

*OMFJC = oh my fucking Jesus Christo
**LMFBO = laughing my fucking beard off
***OMA = oh my Allah
****ROSL = rolling on my sajada laughing

1 Comment

  • 1

    ¡Mierda! ¡Qué primicia! Sabes, he conocido a ver el episodio ocasional de "Aló Presidente", pero WOW WEE WOW, esto realmente da una idea de la mente del Sr. Chávez. Saludos, muchachos, le viene!

    Con dinosaurio ruge y dulces besos aplenty,

    su amigo Jorge

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