Disclaimer: I love my mom and appreciate all that she has done for me. That being said, here is this week's top five.
I am 28 years old and I recently moved in with my mom. I traded in my studio apartment for an attic space with a futon, my thirty minute commute for a two hour one, and my rent check for a list of chores. I wanted to collect my thoughts and more importantly my dollars so I will be able to leap confidently to the next phase of my life. I took a step back to go forward. I followed Jack Donaghy's advice and went into the crevasse in order to get out of it. And let me tell you folks, it's dark in there. Don't get me wrong, there are some things I like about living with Momma and it is super maternal of her to even let me live there, rent free. And she packs me a lunch when I go to work. But every brown bag of goodies has its consequences. I am constantly dodging advisory bullets, aimed directly for my ego. I am aware that it is usually the role of the 'rents to tell their children what to do and when. Sometimes it is appreciated and sometimes it is even elicited from the children themselves. However, sometimes it is completely unnecessary. And these are five pieces of advice that I could go without hearing everyday. Yes, everyday.
#5 Don't Wear Jeans to Work
I work in a small office in a University and my primary role is to coordinate activities for our students. This means I am always running around, leaving the office, rapping with the students, and being the energetic cheese ball anyone who had ever had a campus tour is familiar with. Jeans are the perfect attire for this occupation. How else will I connect with the youngsters if I don't look cool and casual? Plus our receptionist wears sweatpants. I tell my mom this but apparently it doesn't matter what other people wear, I should still try to look my best. My response? "But MoOOOOm, I need to high five my students. I can't do that in heels and a skirt. Duh."
#4 Go to Your High School Reunion
Moving in with mi madre 2 months before my 10 year High School reunion? I could not have timed this better. Naturally, I am feeling slightly self-conscious about my current roommate situation. I am wondering how I can tell my ex-classmates that my recent real-estate endeavors are sure to be extremely beneficial for me in the future without mentioning the fact that my mom is part of this deal. When my mom heard I was considering skipping this sure-to-be nerve racking and anxiety-inducing event, she told me that I will go and I will have fun and I will enjoy catching up with people. Will I? I know she will now relentlessly mention the reunion until I end up going and return with stories about how she was right and the night was glorious! All the gang back together again! And I fear I have a new vision of how the night will go.. Cheery student council member: "Welcome, how are you? Thanks for coming!" Me: "Whatever, my mom made me."
#3 Call your Father on his Birthday
Obviously I do not hear this everyday but I do hear it everyday in the month September. I think that warrants a place on the advice I don't need list. My dad's birthday is two weeks before mine. We usually have a dinner together to celebrate. He is 61 so this has happened many times. Nevertheless, I still get the reminder. What will I have to do to make it stop? Maybe I should call him with birthday wishes months before so when I hear "don't forget to call your father" I can say I already did. That will confuse her. My dad may also be slightly confused when he gets a birthday call in July, but he is getting old, so maybe he won't know the difference.
#2 Grow your Hair
"You're hair would look so much better long."
"Yes, but this is how it is now."
"But don't cut it anymore, it looks so beautiful long."
"Well, its healthier this length. Fewer split ends."
"You just need to take vitamins. Take vitamins and then grow it long. It will look so much better."
Did I mention this conversation once took place in the company of my significant other's family? That was fun. And not awkward at all.
When I am told to exercise, which usually comes right after a short but meaningful look at something I am wearing, I just wonder if I am bulging out of my clothes somewhere and what I could do next time to avoid this comment. Baggier shirts perhaps? I understand the occasional "exercise is good for you" comment. It's the truth. I know this. But my Mom had told me that exercising is her religion. "If that is the case," I said, "then you are like an evangelical exerciser, trying to spread the word of the YMCA to those who have taken a different path." Given her aversion to fanatical religious views, I thought this may squelch the attempts to save my soul before it spends eternity rotting in body fat. No such luck.
Come on, Eldrick.