Ask Mr. Manners, with Buenos the Cat

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buenosheadshot01.jpgI lost my job last week and I'm preparing for being unemployed.  It's a tricky thing because as a hedge fund manager I developed a taste for the finer things in life like caviar and champagne.  I used to love to take dates to fancy restaurants and travel to distant foreign lands four times a year with my friends from my boarding school days.  My question for you Mr. Buenos, is how do I entertain myself (and my bevy of young ladies) on the modest severance bonus I received?  - William from Wall Street

Hard times for all of us, eh, WWS?  ¡Aye yi yi!  Well, don't worry mi amigo, the Buenos will coach you through it and with a little creativity you might not have to cut ties with your human female friends or your school chums.  My owners took me to the veterinarian's office a month or so ago (a terrifying story that I will regale you with later) and the vet said that I have to lose some weight!  I was crestfallen, as you can imagine.  Soon enough I noticed that I get a little less wet cat food every morning and I don't even get table scraps any more!  My owners even went so far as to hide the trash cans under the sink.  Well, desperate times called for the Buenos to rethink his ways.  I thought about what I liked about the wet cat-food.  Part of it was certainly the luscious mush of salmon-byproduct and turkey-byproduct and shrimp-byproduct and soybean fillers, but there was also the ceremony of waking my owners by pawing at the door, the clatter of saucers, the salty scent of the food and the delicious crunch of the can opening.  Just talking about it makes my little mouth water!  My point, WWS, is that you should examine why you like these things and then try less-expensive substitutions that keep the essence of what you loved about the original decadence.  For example, when it comes to caviar maybe you could try the cat food I mentioned.  It is, I think, the best food available and it is not expensive (at least my owners can afford to feed it to me, a cat, every day).  You just pop open a can of Whitefish Dinner and get out your mother-of-pearl caviar spoon and buenos appetit!  As for champaigne, I was always a fan of eating human semen out of condoms and tissues I found in the trash, but when my owners hid that away from me I developed my own cat spunk and now I have twice the fun!  Maybe you can invite your young ladies over for a "home-brew" or a real home brewed beer!  Lastly the traveling I cannot vouch for, but perhaps your school buddies could also come over and enjoy your home-brew or go camping on your roof.  Good luck, WWS.  Better and cheaper days are just around the corner.

Got a question for Buenos, our etiquette guru?  Ask him at buenos@stevesword.com.

Tags: mr., manners, cat, buenos, ask

2 Comments

  • 1

    Great advice, Buenos. I too love the taste of my own spunk. You might also want to try "switching teams". There's plenty of Essence of Life to go around in these hard times.

  • 2

    Damn, cat, you drink THAT outta dicksweater?

    You crazy, cat, you NASTEE

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