Ask Mr. Manners, with Buenos the Cat

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buenosheadshot01.jpgHi there Buenos, how you doing?  Listen, I'm working my ass off haulin' who-knows-what all over the country.  I do pretty good too, good enough to send a little something back to my baby's mom every month or so.  I even got me one of them IRAs or something and of course with the economy and everything now I've lost somewhere around 30-35% of the total value of the damn thing in just a few months.  Pissed me off right proper, since that means I gotta stay out here drivin ' for years longer than I wanted to.  Well, the other day I ran into a friend of mine at a truck stop a few miles outside of Amarillo.  I told him about my woes and he told me all this shit about how he's been managing his own portfolio and he made 24% last year and he's already up to something like 6% profit this year even with the economy the way it is.  I couldn't believe it!  He tried to tell me all about how he always looks at dividends or some shit, but I didn't follow him.  Finally he said to me that he could maybe manage my IRA for a small fee.  It sounds like a good idea but I don't know.  I've only ever met this guy at truck-stops for Crissake!  How do I know he wouldn't turn around and steal my savings?  At the same time I'd love to quit this gig a few years earlier so I could go back and rekindle my relationship with the woman who birthed my daughter.  Do you think I should trust this guy?  How do you manage your money, Buenos?  Do you have any tips for the lay person?  Thank you kindly! - Broke-Ass On The Road

Wow, BAOTR, I can safely say for the first time that you have asked the wrong cat for advice here!  Not only do I have no understanding of such an abstract concept as money or monetary systems, but I am also at heart an animal who uses up as many resources as my greedy cat stomach can take.  You may have read a few columns ago I told about how if the other cat who lives with me, Trixie, leaves a mess of the wet cat food, I will finish it off for her.  I also go through cat litter at an alarming rate.  Even when I sleep I try to lay in as much of the sunbeam from the window as possible.  So I don't really have much of an idea about saving stuff.  If I'm out of food I just start rubbing on my owner's ankles until they break down and feed me more.  There have been a few times when I saved a couple pizza crusts that I'd stolen while my owner's weren't looking.  I put them under the couch, but I really didn't even want to eat them.  I just felt mischievous.  So when you talk about IRA and percents I honestly do not understand you.  However, the Buenos helps anyone, so I will tell you that if you want to get back to see the women of your life sooner, you must take action yourself!  Talk to your friend again and ask him how he learned about investing.  Go to the library and get an audio book.  Then turn around and take charge for yourself, BAOTR!  If you want more food, rub against your owner's leg until he gives you the food! Hmmm.  I'm getting hungry just writing this!

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