Ask Mr. Manners, with Buenos the Cat

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buenosheadshot01.jpgEditor's Note:  Please give a warm Steve's Word welcome to Buenos the Cat and his new column devoted to answering all those tricky questions about life and living it up here in the real world.  After his strong showing in the Resolutions column, we realized that Buenos had a lot to offer all of us.  Thus, Buenos will be answering questions from you, the loyal Steve's Word reader, so feel free to send any and all etiquette questions to buenos@stevesword.com.  And now, without further ado, let's see what advice Señor Buenos is doling out this week...

My "company's" new intern is so fucking hot I practically cream my jeans every time she asks if I want anything from Starbucks.  Obviously, I love having her around, but I live in fear of her walking in while I'm "relieving the tension," as I do every afternoon around 3.  How do I get her out of my mind? - Barack O

Boy, BO, it sure sounds like you have a boring job!  I mean I thought I had it bad being stuck in this apartment here without anything to do but part my jet black belly fur and lick my snow white cat nipples clean all day.  Is that really all you have to think about at your work?  What kind of job do you have?  Insurance claims?  Writing manuals for Ford Escorts?  Listen, take it from the Buenos, you need to either liven things up there or get a new job!  Being a cat I don't get the option of chosing a new career, but I'll tell you what I do instead.  If things are really boring at the house,  I'll grab the nearest cat toy around and sit on it.  I'll pretend that I don't realize that I sat on it until I shift my weight.  At that point I'll peer under my flabby black haunches and surprise!!  Then I usually bat it around the house in a manner that I can almost believe it IS really alive until I lose it under the stove.  Other times I'll just follow the other cat in the apartment, Trixie, around to annoy her or (even better) I'll just walk up to her and bat her in the face with my front paw.  The ensuing chase always leaves me feeling a lot better about life here!  You should be glad that you are a human, BO, and realize that even if your current job won't allow for the antics I propose, you can always do something else.  Getting active with your community is a great way to find more purpose in your life than masturbating over thoughts of an intern, though you can always mail me the leftovers of your tension relief sessions!  Run for a political office like the city council or maybe even a state level position.  One day you could even become ¡el Presidente!

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